


Your True Colors

by Betti Gefecht (bettigefecht)



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, F/M, Mystery, Reality, Romance, Sexual Content, Twilight Fandom, ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 21:21:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 84,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/423344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettigefecht/pseuds/Betti%20Gefecht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Annie Portman is a single woman, fetching, lucky, self-confident and in love (or slightly obsessed?) with all things Twilight.<br/>Leading exactly the life she had planned for herself, she doesn't miss a thing.<br/>Until one day she happens to see her own personal Edward.<br/>Her fantasies start running wild about that beautiful boy, a perfect stranger and way too young to even think about it...</p><p>THIS IS NOT YOUR AVERAGE TWI-FIC!<br/>You will find a few of our beloved Twilight characters in this story, but then again not. It's rather a story about people who love Twilight. Or you can say, our Twilight characters are starring in a Twilight story within a Twilight story. Now I'm confused myself...</p><p>Nah.... it's not THAT difficult. It's a love story, full of nods towards, and quotes from our beloved series. It has an Edward to fall in love with, a female lead you'll wish to change places with and the probably weirdest OOC Alice you will ever meet in the entire fandom. I think...?</p><p>Beta'd by my beautiful friend Uhyesplease.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

 

**PROLOGUE**

 

I usually hated the train station after nightfall, but I didn't care tonight.  
Kicking that new trainee's ass was definitely worth getting home late for, even on a Friday...

That little bitch sported the body of a supermodel, but her brain had to be the size of a pea. Unfortunately, the latter escaped the vast (and male) majority of my co-workers' perceptions, due to the undeniable fact that she was blonde, curvy and under twenty-five - a combination which seemed to lower the average male's brain capacity likewise.

I had spent the last two weeks in Barbie hell!

When I ordered her to stay late and finish her damn job after office hours today, I experienced an inner rodeo of relief and triumph, and relished the idea of wrecking her evening plans. I still felt peppy when I saw the 9:15 Regional approached the track.

While the train slowed down, its breaks performing their usual deafening Heavy Metal tune, I carefully scanned the passing wagons. If I was going to take a nap during the boring one-hour ride, and I was pretty sure I was, picking the right compartment was crucial.

First wagon: no passengers at all - not good.  
Second wagon: empty except for a single filthy creep - no way!  
No3 looked quite promising: an elderly couple, three giggling teenage girls with loads of shopping bags and one good-looking, if unshaved, young...

… _Oh! Hi, Kiddo...!_

My feet had already started walking before I fully realized what I was going to do.

No nap for me tonight.  
Not after I'd had that blonde amoeba for supper, with the sweet taste of satisfaction still lingering.  
Not with the incarnate hero of my wet dreams handed to me on a plate in wagon No3...

When the doors slid open, I felt wide awake and ready for anything.


	2. Did you see Edward today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a woman of heart and mind  
> With time on her hands  
> No child to raise  
> You come to me like a little boy  
> And I give you my scorn and my praise  
> You think Im like your mother  
> Or another lover or your sister  
> Or the queen of our dreams  
> Or just another silly girl  
> When love makes a fool of me
> 
> "Woman of Heart & Mind"  
> (Joni Mitchell)

This Friday had started like any other, with my two favorite morning routines. One of them: my first coffee in the office kitchen, where my boss used to join me for our daily "warm-up".

"Hey, Renee," she greeted me cheerfully, "how is my erratic, hair brained, right-hand girl on this sunny morning?"

I handed her the steaming mug - black, one NutraSweet, just as she liked it.

"Couldn't be any better, my dearest Esme – it's Friday, after all!"

She took a little sip and closed her eyes in bliss. "Mmmh... thanks for little blessings."

I really liked my boss; not just because she was as crazy about Twilight as I was. She was just a really nice person, good-humored, easy to be with and we got along really well. Beatrice Cruise was the coolest chief editor I ever had.

Yes, her name was not Esme, of course. As mine was not Renee, but Annie Portman.

We both shared a mild form of Twilight obsession; we loved the books and even more, the movie. It was just our little insider joke, naming ourselves and others after characters from Stephenie Meyer's novels - in private, that is.

Like Humphrey, the doorman - he was our Charlie, because he wore a blue uniform and even sported that terrible moustache. Or Fergus, our ace reporter. Ok - admittedly he didn't look like a Cullen at all with his thinning hair and glasses like bottle bottoms. But his mantra was "Relax!" so we secretly called him Jasper. And of course, brainless, blondie Barbara, the trainee from hell. Everybody called her Barbie for obvious reasons, but to us she was Rosalie. And to my greatest disdain, SHE looked exactly like a Cullen.

"So?" Beatrice grinned at me over the rim of her coffee cup. "Did you see Edward again?"

"Yep, in all his glory, like every Friday – and no..." I raised my hand, knowing her next question all too well, "...I didn't take his picture this time neither. Sorry, honey, he's mine and I do not intend to share, not even on my mobile display!"

She playfully punched my upper arm, pouting. "Too bad... maybe I'll find my own Edward this weekend?" With a girlish giggle, she turned to leave. "See you in the meeting room in a few..."

_Kiddo... my other Friday morning goody._

I didn't like it when Beatrice referred to him as Edward. I mean, he was more Edward than a living young male could probably ever be. It felt wrong, however, to lump him in with doorman Charlie or office-bimbo Rosalie.

He was just too... special.

I didn't know his name, but in my mind I had called him Kiddo ever since the very first time I saw him on the Friday morning train, three months ago...

x-x-x-x-x

…It hadn't been one of my best mornings back then. After a quick and unsatisfactory fuck with Tom, my neighbor and occasional "friend with benefits",  _(Twilight name: James)_  I hadn't been able to sleep until 2 a.m. So I didn't get  _Eclipse_  out to read it, for the fifth time, as usual, but instead put on my sunglasses and leaned back in my seat, ready to take a little nap, as soon as the train engine rumbled to life.

Before I could close my eyes, I saw him...

_Oh. My. God._

I'm not sure, but I think I gaped.  
He was the most stunning living man...  _boy_... I had ever seen.  
Right there, opposite row, just two seats away.  
He was reading, totally absorbed, so I could ogle him unhamperedly. I took off my shades.

He was all in black. Long legs in black drainpipe jeans, the black tee barely concealing the lean muscles and square shoulders underneath. He was just beautifully made. On the seat next to him lay a mess of black clothing which, with some effort, I identified as a hoodie, next to the most ridiculous backpack ever carried by a man: it was black too, but with pink and yellow polka dots. The only thing missing was a Hello Kitty patch.

But what attracted my attention the most was his face... his face was just unbelievable.

I could only see his semi-profile, but I admired the way the small muscles in his delicious masculine jawline were moving, emphasized by the velvety shade of a faint stubble - his gently curved lips slightly parted, as he raptly mouthed along with what he was reading.

I almost sighed aloud with frustration because I couldn't see his eyes, as he hadn't taken them off the book yet. They were hidden under long lashes most women would kill for.

I felt the urge to grab a piece of charcoal and draw his portrait right then. Or better, several portraits from different angles. His adorable face such a rare sight, I'd never seen a similar display of natural beauty before.

_This must be how Bella felt at the first sight of Edward..._

Ever since I'd seen the movie with Robert Pattinson, I couldn't imagine Edward in any other way. I had a huge crush on Rob - oh yes, this mama liked him a lot, and not only his hot looks. I liked to imagine him as a very special young man, with an awesome personality. Plus, he had a singing voice that made me weak in the knees. And did I mention he looked hot? I even had a Pattinson wallpaper on my office computer, to Beatrice's utmost pleasure.

To me, Rob Pattinson was the perfect dazzling vampire. But this boy was really something. An Edward, definitely. But then again not. He was blond, to start with, and much too tanned.

He raised a slender hand to his mouth and his tongue slid out to moisten a finger before he reached down to turn a page.

_Ok.  
That was hot!  
Jeeesus..._

Had he even moved at all before this? Suddenly overcome by the realization that he was actually real, my heartbeat accelerated. I exhaled slowly through pursed lips and involuntarily shifted my weight a little in my seat.

Unable to take my eyes of him, I was wondering how he could not notice my stare. Weren't people supposed to somehow feel if you were staring at them? Like a tingling sensation or goosebumps or anything?

As if he had read my mind...  _(_ S _ure!)_ … he raised his head for the first time, eyes darting around to scan the compartment and finally stopped, piercing into mine. For just one second, I caught a quick glance of a pair of spectacular green eyes. He hastily lowered his head, eyes back on the book, and blushed.

I gasped.

I almost couldn't believe what I had seen in that brief moment when he had fully faced me. He fucking looked like Robert Pattinson... the official surfer version, that is!

_Holy shit! It's RPattz 2.0.!_

He was noticeably feeling uncomfortable now, his whole body was tense. I could see, he pretended to read, but his mouth was pressed into a thin line now, unmoving.

_Great, Portman – 30 seconds, and you already creeped him out..._

I forced my eyelids down with some effort, but cast one last glance at him through my lashes.

No, he wasn't Edward. His skin showed a beautiful bronze tan as if he'd spent all his life, which meant twenty or twenty-two years - max, at some sunny beach. And his hair was tousled, but with a little indication of natural curls. The early morning sunshine, fractured by the trees tearing past the window, was flickering on his hair and it was literally sparkling in every possible shade of blond.

_Wait – is he... sparkling?_

Christ, Kiddo, you're breaking my heart...


	3. Did you follow me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see your true colors  
> shining through  
> I see your true colors  
> and that's why I love you  
> so don't be afraid to let them show  
> your true colors  
> true colors are beautiful  
> like a rainbow
> 
> "True Colors"  
> Cyndi Lauper

This Friday had been a weird day anyway, and it seemed it wasn't over yet. Whether it was my late partial victory in the Blondie combat zone, or the wine I had while supervising her extra hours, or just a temporary personality disorder – when I got on the train, I felt bold and adventurous...

_...like the world's most dangerous predator..._

...and my unsuspecting prey was waiting for me in wagon No3. Tonight, Kiddo's number was up!

But first things first...a quick inspection of weapons in my arsenal wouldn't hurt.

I stepped into the toilet, locked the door from inside and dropped my bag next to the sink. The woman in the mirror was glowing with excitement – to be honest, I didn't know her at all. However, this wasn't the time to wonder, instead I focused on the task at hand.

The white blouse I wore, because of the afternoon meeting with our publishing director, was a little too 'schoolmistress' for my mission, but the grey pencil skirt worked miracles on my waist.

_Not bad, Portman. All you need to do is..._

I opened the top button of my blouse and, after a moment of deliberation, the next one too. Better!  
With crossed arms I reached into my bra, lifted my boobs a little and then tucked them back into their cups, carefully making sure both nipples were neatly pointing upwards.

"Nice cleavage," I assured my reflection, giggling. "If I were a guy, I would so want to touch these!"

My face reflected something else though. It was a fucking long day and there was no denying it: the dark circles under my eyes and my pale skin gave me away.

"Fuck!" I muttered. "I look like 42!"

Which, in fact, I was. Usually I could get away with a nice 35 though, and on my best days maybe even younger. But tonight I was quite a mess. Today of all days... unfair! Bad timing!

I sighed. There wasn't much to do about it. I could only focus on the dim light inside the compartment... the lamp above the mirror was just brutal. Or I could...

_Stop whining, Portman – go big or go home!_

I quickly reached under my skirt and stripped off my panties. "You are not worthy!" I told the white cotton hipsters and shoved them deep into my bag. The woman in the mirror was grinning, she was clearly out of her mind – I liked her.

"Showtime!" she said.

x-x-x-x-x

When I walked toward his seat, I still had no idea how to start or what to say, but I didn't have a chance to be witty anyway. I was just two or three steps away when Kiddo took me by surprise; he looked up from his reading and gave me a faint nod of recognition.

_Fuck!_

He knew me? I hadn't taken that into account. But of course, he either recognized me as one of the usual morning passengers, or worse, he remembered the woman who had creeped him out with her stare three months ago. How embarrassing! So much for the 'mysterious sexy stranger seduces unsuspecting handsome fellow' scenario I had envisioned...

Totally knocked out of my stride, I nodded back, in spite of myself, as I passed him, and then kept on walking to the very end of wagon No3, which suddenly had lost a lot of its earlier promise. I dropped myself down onto the last bench – puzzled, but still too much in high spirits to give up.

_Just a little setback. No problem. Now we're going to plan B!_

I would not just go home tonight. The only thing waiting for me there was my budgie Carlisle, and he wasn't even really waiting. At least, this was my chance to find out where Kiddo lives. It would be nice to know, just for fun, right? A little stalking, nothing else. No harm done...

I didn't have to wait very long, he got off just one station after mine: Park Road. I waited a few moments to establish a comfortable distance before I followed him. There were very few people outside; I would have to be really careful.

I could almost hear the adrenaline humming through my body, when he vanished behind the first street curve. As soon as I reached the spot, I pressed my back flat against the wall and peeked around the corner. This reconnaissance mission was already paying off; I was learning a lot about him, like his gait and his height. I mean, I had never seen him walk, or even stand. He was pretty tall and - damn, he was moving fast! When he turned to the left and out of sight, I hurried to keep up.

Around the next corner I saw why this was called Park Road. Another setback: If there's anything I hated more than the main station at night, then it was night without the main station. Kiddo was walking towards a small path which led into a poorly-lit, deserted green space, which was surrounded by high stonewalls.

_Great!_

I briefly wondered how the hell I would survive finding my way back. I didn't like parks in the dark and not a soul to be seen scared the shit out of me! But I'd come too far now, and since my prey was again taking a sharp turn to the right, there was no time to hesitate. I quickened my step, rounded the next corner and released a high-pitched squeal...

x-x-x-x-x

There he stood, motionless like a statue, his backpack thrown over one shoulder, with both hands in the pockets. His head was slightly inclined and he looked _…_

… _breathtakingly sexy…_

 _..._ reproachful!

_Portman, you're busted!_

"Hi!" I blurted out. I felt the blood rise to my cheeks. Unfortunately it stopped right there, which didn't help to improve the obvious lack of circulation in my brain – I had no idea what to do next.

So I did nothing. Nor did he. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity.

"Did you follow me?" he suddenly asked.

"What?"

_Did he really just say that?_

I choked back a giggle. Ok, that was my cue, right? Now I ought to say: _I was trying to keep a distance unless you needed my help and blah blah blah..._  I was dangerously close to having hysterics.

"I said: Did you follow me?" he repeated.

This time there was an angry undertone in his voice, and I answered without thinking:

"No! I... Yes. Shit!"

His reaction was shocking. He exhaled sharply, the polka dot backpack landed on the ground with a thud and he moved towards me in two long strides.

Instinctively, I backed off until I felt the cold bricks of the park's wall meet my shoulder blades.

All of my blood, which had been burning, blockaded in my cheeks, dropped into my feet now in a split-second. He stopped, and his face was no more than five inches from mine. He had never looked more beautiful, or more... dangerous!

_Are you afraid? Shit... yes!_

I swallowed hard. What if he WAS dangerous? He could be a violent criminal, after all – who knows? How often would you read in crime reports that shocked neighbors said, "Oh, he was such a nice guy, always friendly and helpful – I never thought he was capable to do such terrible things…"

And weren't those psychos usually good-looking and attractive?

The definition of the muscles of his chest and shoulders showed under the thin cotton of his shirt. He was tall. And strong. And the park was completely deserted at this late hour. It was pointless to cry for help. If he was going to attack me, it would be over with me.

_Dear God,  
If it is your will that he shall kill me, could you please let him rape me first?  
Thanks in advance!_

Interrupting my religious moment, Kiddo moved yet another inch closer, green eyes glowering.

"Why?" he almost growled.

I was really scared now. I had lost any sense of where my blood was settling in this moment – probably preparing itself to be shed any second. My heart was pounding like mad. Interestingly enough, there was no urge to run. Instead, the fear made me feel rather light-headed. There was no other explanation for what happened next...

I reached out for his right hand, grabbed it by the wrist and slowly pulled it towards me. He looked down, but offered no resistance. His eyes followed every movement as I shoved his hand under my skirt, inch for inch, until his palm rested on my inner thigh.

There I paused, appraising his reaction.

He stood still, gaze fixed on the spot where my skirt had ridden up above both our hands. His jaw was set tight, and he was breathing heavily through his nose. My head was swirling with my own boldness, but even more with the feeling of his skin on mine.

_So close... oh God, so close..._

He didn't move, but just to hear him breathe that way was a huge turn-on. I was sure he could smell the wetness between my legs now. Hesitatingly, I released his wrist from my grip.

His hand stayed where I had placed it.

_Your turn, Kiddo._

I lowered my gaze from his face down to his chest, where I could see his heart beat under his shirt in a rapid rhythm, syncopating the heavy waves of his breathing. But he still didn't move.

_Pleeaaase..._

Suddenly he shifted his weight on one leg. His nostrils flared as he took one single deep breath. And then, very gently, he squeezed my thigh.

I almost sobbed with relief - he wouldn't reject me!

All my fear was gone now. I couldn't even remember what had made me think this boy could be dangerous. He was obviously more scared of me than the other way round. He still hadn't looked up yet, and I could feel, more than see, that he was slightly trembling.

"It's ok," I whispered. "I want you to touch me."

I took his free arm by the wrist and pulled it up next to my shoulder, slowly drawing him closer until the palm of his hand touched the wall behind me. He followed willingly. Bending his arm at the elbow, he rested his entire forearm against the bricks for better support, which brought him so close to me that his forehead almost touched mine.

"Please..." This time I had said it aloud.

And he responded.

Slowly, very slowly, he started stroking my thigh. A little way down, and then a longer way back up.  
Once. Twice. Once again.

_You're almost there, love..._

I shifted my hips in anticipation and his fingers briefly grazed my bum. When his hand finally cupped my folds, he suddenly stiffened and let out a gasp. His head jolted up and for the first time since I had made him touch me, his eyes met mine. His mouth opened and he stared at me in disbelief.

_Shit!_

I had actually forgotten about my little strip in the train toilet myself. And where Kiddo had most likely expected a neat panty to work his way in, he had found, well... just me.

_Don't give him time to think!_

I reached down to put my own hand on his, guiding him. I positioned my middle finger exactly over his, slowly pressing and shoving, until he slid inside my wet cleft. He closed his eyes and we both moaned in unison.

"Don't stop," I whispered, before I withdrew my hand. Obediently he continued the movement, pushing even a little deeper, his long finger slightly curled.

"Yes - just like that..."

His breath came in short puffs now through his parted lips, and he was frowning in concentration.

_God, he is so adorable!_

I leaned my forehead against his shoulder in bliss, when he impressed me by adding another finger without further guidance. In this position I could not only see the muscles of his right forearm tense and relax while he was moving in me, but I could also see the considerable bulge in his jeans. The sight of both almost brought me to the edge. The urge to touch him was unbearable.

I grabbed his hips with both my hands and simultaneously ran my thumbs down where I knew the two lines of his "V" slanting inward, and he drew in a sharp breath. I took it as a yes.

Without further ado I unbuckled his belt. His jeans were buttoned and a bit of a challenge, since Kiddo had just found out all by himself how to make additional use of his thumb, and I could barely focus on anything else but the sensation on my swollen clit.

I shoved my hand into his jeans, running my fingers through the soft curls of his hair and further down. I blissfully marveled at the strength and youth I could feel there - the silky skin of his hard-on, twitching against my wrist as I cupped his balls, round and firm in my palm. We were both panting heavily now. I withdrew my hand back a little and grabbed his cock.

"You're so gorgeous, Kiddo." The words just came out as I felt my climax build, I couldn't help it.

When I started to stroke his length, he made a small, surprised noise and laid his cheek against mine. I tightened my grip and stroked one more time, and suddenly his breathing stopped dead. His whole body went stiff and then he convulsed against my hand, until he finally exhaled a long shattered breath and went entirely limp.  
Unfortunately, this paralysis also included the hand between my legs.

I almost cried out in frustration.

_What the fuck...?_

Damn, I should have known, right? He's just so young!

I slowly pulled my hand out of his pants, carefully wiping the product of my efforts off on the inside of his jeans on the way back out. Our breathing had almost slowed down to normal, but he still hadn't moved again. I couldn't believe what just had happened.

_And he has just been so creative with his thumb..._

I sighed and cleared my throat. "You can have your hand back now if you want."

He swallowed audibly, and after a second he straightened himself and took a step back. Without looking up, he intently started to put his clothes back into their earlier condition. Then he ran one hand through his hair, looking around. Intrigued, I watched him bending down to pick up his kindergarten backpack, brushing off the dust and swinging it over his right shoulder. Finally he shoved both hands into his pockets and raised his head to look at me.

I was still leaning against the wall, painfully aware of the outraged throbbing in my lower regions. And slowly, but surely, I was getting really pissed off. He opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it again, deliberating.

_You better say something good, Kiddo, or you will live to regret this!_

When he opened his mouth again, he surprised the hell out of me.

"Thanks."

And with that, he started to walk away.

My jaw dropped.

_Unbelievable!_

"Hey!" I shouted, scandalized.

He stopped and turned, looking at me with such innocence and earnestness, that my anger instantly came to nothing. Could he really be such a baby?

"Will you be on the train next Friday?" I asked.

He seemed puzzled. "Why yes – should I not?"

"Well... I mean, it's different now, isn't it?"

He lowered his gaze and actually thought about it for a while. Then he surprised me for the third time. "No," he replied.

He turned again, without another word, and walked away.

Thinking of the mess inside his pants, he admittedly did so with considerable dignity. Definitely a man of few words.

When he was out of sight, I slowly slid down the wall until I sat on the ground. There I curled into a ball, buried my face in my hands and wheezed with laughter.

_And he didn't even buy me a drink..._

_  
_


	4. Is this seat taken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here I am again my girl  
> Wondering what on earth I'm doing here  
> Maybe he doesn't love me  
> I just took a trip on my love for him  
> Ooh, he's here again -  
> The man with the child in his eyes
> 
> "The Man with the Child in his Eyes"  
> Kate Bush

I spent the whole weekend in a daze. I didn't bother to leave the house and even pretended to not be at home when Tom knocked at my door. My strange encounter with Kiddo became more and more unreal to me... like something I had seen in a movie.

It was hard to believe I really had done that. But I couldn't stop thinking about it... of him – his hand under my skirt, his hot breath against my neck. I replayed the moment over and over in my head, enjoying the heat waves the sweet memory sent through my body. And more than once I ended up touching myself where his hand had been, searching for the release he had denied me.

When the alarm clock rang on Monday morning, I woke up with my hand between my thighs and soaking wet from a dream, with Kiddo in the leading role –  _very_   _leading._ And I was desperately hoping that the busy days to come would provide some distraction.

_Until next Friday, right?_

Maybe I would take the day off on Friday? I didn't know. I had no idea of how it would be to see him again. Embarrassing probably, if not worse. I found it hard to imagine it wouldn't be different, like he had said. Could pretending nothing happened be that easy?

I found out too soon that it wasn't. Not easy at all.

Obviously, the first thing that was different: It was Monday, for God's sakes!

He shouldn't be on the train at all, yet there he was – black hoodie, book, hilarious polka dot backpack, blond mane and everything – the same picture of heart wrenching youth and beauty I'd sucked in each Friday of the last three months.

Except for the fact that it fucking wasn't Friday!

_What the hell...?_

Next difference: Instead of being fixed on the book as usual, his eyes were definitely fixed on me as I dropped myself down onto my seat a couple of rows away from him. The expression on his face was impossible to read.

Slowly recovering from the shock of seeing him so much earlier than I had planned, I gave him the faintest hint of a nod and then deliberately turned away from him, leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. I hoped he would get the message.

_Nothing's changed, Kiddo. Just read your fucking book and pretend I'm not here._

Although I couldn't ignore the eerie feeling that he was still staring into my direction, it helped a lot to not look back at him. The familiar rhythmic noise of the slackening train calmed me down too, and I felt my heartbeat slow down to normal. Maybe I could actually take a little nap while...

"Good Morning!"

My eyes sprang open and I almost gasped.

He stood right in front of me; the polka dot disaster neatly tucked under one arm, his book under the other, and looked down on me intensely. He wasn't smiling.

_Not good. This was not supposed to be happening._

"Look," I said, "I don't think this is a good idea, and..."

"Is this seat taken?" Ignoring my protest, he gestured toward the seat across from mine.

I sighed. "Obviously not." The acid in my voice didn't seem to bother him.

"So may I sit... please?"

I waved my hand in resignation. "It's a free country..."

"Thank you." he said and avoiding any contact, slowly maneuvered his long legs past my knees and sat himself down in front of me. Highly irritated at this point, I watched him as he took his time to carefully arrange his book and joke of a backpack in a neat heap on the seat to his right.

Then he looked up.

The way his emerald eyes pierced into mine was nerve wracking. He almost never seemed to blink. Besides that, he was scandalizingly beautiful. We'd never been that close – well, not in daylight anyway. My stupid heart considered this to be the perfect time to break into a mild gallop.

_Get a grip, woman!_

"So," I said, trying to keep my composure. "What are we going to do now?"

He barely raised one eyebrow. "Talk?" The question mark was audible.

"Look," I said, trying to sound a little less annoyed. "As I already tried to tell you, I really don't think  _this_ ," I flitted my hand between us a few times, "is necessary or good in any way. You assured me it wouldn't be any different, remember? Let's just keep it that way, ok?"

He took a deep breath. "I was wrong."

_Great!_

"Anyway," I started again. "I just... I don't want to talk to you. We don't even know each other and –"

In one elegant move he raised to his feet. Nodding down at me, he said, "You are right, sorry."

For about three seconds I felt relieved about his sudden insight, until he stretched out his right hand and said, "I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week..."

_Jesus Christ! He did it again!  
Portman – you almost-raped a living Twilight quotation anthology!_

I reached my hand out like I was in trance. His voice sounded far away.

He continued, "I am..."

It was a strange feeling to take his hand. Thinking that this hand had been under my skirt, thinking that we hadn't touched yet except for mutually groping each others genitals - the polite handshake seemed absurdly inappropriate. As if spoken from behind a heavy curtain, I heard him say his name.

"...Edward."

_WHAT?_

My hand snapped back as if he had burned it.

"You're not!" I yelled at him. He winced, his face registering complete bewilderment.

"You... sit the fuck down!" I hissed. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

He immediately did as I said and sat down, frowning.

"No. My name is Edward Grey – why would I joke about my name? I'm sorry?"

What the hell was going on here? Was I on Candid Camera? My eyes darted around, searching for a familiar face. Who... Beatrice? Impossible! She was the only one who knew. But she wouldn't pull such a thing. This wasn't even funny...

_Not at all!_

"Did I say something wrong? I apologize if..."

Kiddo was just trying to be polite, right? Now he was most certainly thinking I'd lost my mind. But, Jesus... his name really was Edward?  
I closed my eyes, and rubbed my temples with complete confusion and wonder.

_Fucking Edward...?_

I finally spoke, "No, it's okay. Sorry – it's just a very unusual name for someone so young."

I opened my eyes to find he hadn't moved at all and was still frowning. He looked... hurt.

"I'm really sorry," I said, reaching out my hand once more with a little smile which I hoped looked reassuring, "Let's give it a second try, shall we? My name is Annie Portman and I'm glad to meet you, E... Edward." I spoke his name with some difficulty, this was all too weird.

Without hesitation, he took my hand. "It's my pleasure, Annie." He was really uncommonly polite, but he didn't answer my smile.

Something was wrong with this boy.


	5. We shouldn't be friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you just can't find the words you want  
> And it's hard to reach a point  
> Where you both can understand  
> Don't just tell the truth  
> But tell the whole truth  
> It'll make a better man out of you
> 
> "Talk to Her"  
> India Arie

 

"Talk, huh?" I wasn't sure whether I wanted this conversation, but here we were.  
"What do you want to talk about anyway?"

His answer came quickly. "Last Friday."

_Of course._

"You really want to talk about that... now? Here?"

"Yes?" It sounded like a question.

With a sigh, I gave in to the obviously inevitable."Ok. I guess you might have a question or two."

"Yes."

"Thought so," I nodded encouragingly. "Shoot."

My quick compliance seemed to surprise him. "Thanks, um…" he said, at a loss.  
Then he fell silent. And frowned. And stared.

_Jesus... what's wrong with you, Kiddo?_

He wanted to talk, and now he was all just "yes" and "no" and "um"? The gaze of his impossibly green eyes still hadn't left mine for a second, so he clearly was neither shy nor intimidated. He seemed rather unnaturally calm and the earnest expression on his face never changed. It was almost a little eerie.

A horrible thought struck me: He couldn't be... he wasn't slow or something, oh God, was he?

_Congrats, Portman - you gave a mentally handicapped kid a handjob!_

On the other hand, being sexually attacked by a perfect stranger in a public park wasn't exactly an easy thing to converse about. He probably just needed a little push.

"You can ask anything you want, I'm a grown-up." I assured him, smiling. "But if it's too embarrassing..."

He shook his head.

"No, it's not. I'm just not good at it," he said, waving one elegant, almost feminine hand between us, which distracted me for a moment.

_I really hope you play the piano, Kiddo. It would be a terrible waste, if not._

The memory of where this hand had been playing around lately washed over me and immediately went down to my center in a warm wave.

_Not helping! Focus!_

I briefly shook my head in order to get my mind back on track.

"Not good at what?" I asked.

"Talking."

"Oh - I noticed that much. Go figure."

I was getting a little impatient now and took a deep breath.

"Look, if you want to talk, you have to open up a little, or else the conversation will run dry before it starts. Even if I ask you a yes or no question, it doesn't really get us anywhere if you just answer yes or no. So why don't you... maybe you should try to add a little extra information each time, for a start. You know, like when I ask whether you feel embarrassed, you could say no, and then add just another sentence, like maybe telling me how you're feeling instead."

I was startled by the immediate effect my little speech had on him. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his angel face substantially closer now. He seemed excited.

"What do you think - wanna give it a try?"

"Yes!" He looked like a child who just found a new toy when he added pointedly,  
"I think I can do this. And I need to practice."

And as if listening to his own words, he inclined his head to one side and nodded.

"Not bad!" I commended, absurdly delighted with this quick success. "Ok - now I can link to what you've said and keep the conversation going. Because now I want to know why you need practice, you see?"

He nodded, eyes suddenly beaming. One corner of his mouth curled up to a half-smile which totally caught me off guard and made my heart throb in unison with the spot between my thighs. I crossed my legs and leaned back in my seat in order to establish a minimum safety distance.

"So why is it you need practice - are you afraid to talk to people?"

"Yes," he answered, "always been." He paused. "I'm especially shy with women, I guess."

He was obviously very pleased with this additional confession and his overall talking improvement, because his mouth widened to a full smile and then - _God help me!_  - he chuckled.

I decided to better be safe than sorry and crossed my arms too, literally engraving my spine into the back-rest now. A bit more of this and I would need a good doctor to unravel me.

_Morning paper headline: "Human knot found on regional train – medics completely baffled!"_

"You're not shy. You came over and introduced yourself without much difficulty. And you have no problem facing me. Shy people usually don't like looking into other people's eyes."

"I know. It's just the talking. But I'm practicing." His smile faded a little. "Besides, I really like to look at you."

My heart skipped a beat.

_God, I like to look at you too, Kiddo. You have no idea!_

I swallowed. "You do?"

"A lot. You look different from the way you looked when... in the dark, you know."

_Yeah. That's why we don't show ourselves in the sunlight.  
People would know we're different._

I suppressed the urge to giggle.

"Different? How?"

"You look…older."

_Ouch!_

"Really? Well... thanks," I replied acidly.

"And friendlier," he added. To not neglect the practicing, I supposed.

I closed my eyes with a brief snorting laugh, thoroughly disenchanted by his innocent reminder of how ridiculous this all was. What was I doing here anyway? Getting wet and wanton while giving rhetoric exercises to a boy of half my age who couldn't speak three sentences in a row.

_Wake up, Portman! Time for the friendly old lady to set things straight._

I looked up again to see that my change of mood hadn't gone unnoticed – the frown was back.

"Listen ...um,  _Edward_ ," It still took me some effort to speak that - _his_  - name. "You are right, I _am_  old. And I really don't have any idea what had possessed me, but I'm sorry for my... for what I did to you last Friday. I do regret this, awfully, and I wish I could undo it, but I can't - so..."

He stared at me in disbelief, brows furrowed ferociously. His lips were slightly parted and his breath had noticeably quickened. I had seen that look before, in the park. Anger? Panic?

"I promise," I hastily continued, "No – I swear! No such thing will ever happen again. I urge you to just forget what has happened if possible. I don't even want to talk about it; I don't want to talk to you at all, to be honest. We should stop this right now and get back to normal."

_We shouldn't be friends._

He licked his lips and swallowed, hard. "No."

All of a sudden I felt terribly exhausted. This was getting far too complicated.

We had finally reached the main station; the train was slowing down and the usual turmoil of passengers getting themselves ready to get off started around us. Kiddo kept his gaze, oblivious to anything but me.

I needed to get out of here. Now. Away from this strange boy. I grabbed my bag and stood.

"No!" he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. "I need to talk to you."

"Edward, I...," The train lurched to a standstill. "Time's up, I'm sorry..."

With one quick move he suddenly stood in front of me, so close that I involuntarily took one step back. His voice came out hoarse and low:

"Listen to me, Annie. I understand you're feeling guilty because you think what you did was wrong. But I don't think so. All I can say is that it was... that I... wouldn't want to undo anything of it."

_Three sentences in a row, almost fluently!_

"But let's say for argument's sake, you  _did_  do something wrong to me and you  _do_  regret it. That would mean you owe me something, right? To make up for it?"

I blinked in disbelief. That practicing had all of a sudden worked a little too well for my liking.

I felt the compartment wall at my back, as he leaned in even further and braced himself, palms against the wall, one arm on either side of me. His warm breath on my face made me feel dizzy.

"Right?" he whispered.

I was unable to think of anything else than the heat radiating from his body. I barely noticed the row of people, shoving their way towards the exit behind him. Some of them frowned at us as they passed us by, wondering whether I was being attacked and needed help.

"It would be your expiation, Annie. Just talk. Nothing else. You can't deny me that. You owe me, right?

Whatever his problem was, he was clearly not mentally disabled. His mind was working dangerously well; I did feel guilty. And he had cornered me, on both counts.

"I have to go now," I croaked.

He made no move to set me free, just looked at me, green eyes intense. And with his next words, my walls came crumbling down.

"Annie...," he breathed, "Please."

_Oh God..._

There was no more defense. I thought my heart would explode any second; my knees were about to give way. How in hell did that happen? Where had my self-confidence gone, my supremacy? When had we swapped places?

I closed my eyes and nodded weakly.

"Is that a yes?" I heard him say. "We'll talk?"

I nodded again. "Yes. Let me go."

He exhaled audibly. "Thank you."

I felt the warmth diminish as he stepped back, an irrational sense of loss coming over me.

The only thing that kept me from begging him to come back was the astounding fact that as soon as there was some distance between us, I felt more like myself again.

"I'll take the 7:15 back tonight," I said, voice steady again. "If you show up, we can talk for one hour, until I get off the train. Take it or leave it."

Not waiting for an answer, I shoved myself past him towards the exit.


	6. I'll walk you home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an everyday boy  
> Doing everyday things  
> You're not the first  
> And you won't be the last  
> But you are the one  
> I'll remember
> 
> "Everyday Boy"  
> Joan Armatrading

I don't remember how I made it through the day. Beatrice kept asking me whether I was ok and if I needed anything. I told her it was just the curse of Eve and no, I'm fine and thanks, but she kept on giving me that look. Well, I couldn't fool her, and at 5 pm she was finally fed up with me.

"Honestly, darling, you're looking awful - you're pale white as a Cullen. Get your little butt out of here, for God's sake, and go home! We'll be fine here. And don't you dare to come tomorrow, take a day off, you hear me? That's an order!"

At that point my will to resist had gone and I just nodded. "Maybe you're right. Thanks, Esme!" I smiled wryly. "Let me just sort this shit here for Rosalie, she might actually learn something, for a change. And then I'm out, ok?"

Beatrice patted my back, "Good girl!"

At 5:40 pm I had assigned tasks to each and every one for the following day and was running out of excuses to stay any longer. Time to go. For a moment, I was tempted to take an earlier train home in order to avoid another encounter with rhetoric whizz kid Edward. But doing something like that wasn't really me – we had an appointment of sorts, and I would stick to my part of it.

I stepped into the elevator, wondering briefly what to do with my unexpected spare hour. Then I pressed the top button.

The architect of our building must have had a single lucid moment when he had designed that roof-top garden. It was all Zen style and a beautiful place to relax, but no one ever came here. Most of our employees didn't even know it existed. Perfect...

Using my bag as a pillow, I stretched myself out on one of those low stone benches; hands folded over my stomach, and closed my eyes. The September evening sun was still warm on my face and flooded my eyelids with a soothing red glow. I took a deep breath...

_Really, Portman, relax – he's just a boy._

...and another breath, slowly in and out.

_That's right, calm down._

It worked. The breathing helped to ease the tension, as well the warmth of...

_...his body, so close to mine in the narrow passage of the train compartment._

...the declining sun. A light breeze went through the leaves of the potted palms. I turned my head to one side and listened to...

_...his velvet voice: "Annie... please."_

_His_ _breath is hot on my closed lids, and he smells like honey and something I cannot name, but it reminds me of my early childhood days. It somehow escaped me what he just was begging for, but I'm willing to give it to him, whatever it might be._

" _Yes... Kiddo." I feel his hands on my cheeks as he lifts my face to his. His lips are brushing mine and he whispers against them. "You owe me, Annie, right?"_

" _Yes, I do. Please let me show you how much…"_

_I slide both my hands under his shirt where they immediately start a mystery tour as if wanting to draw a map of his abs, and with a moan I open my mouth to let him in. He briefly licks my upper lip before his tongue finds mine, sending dizzying sparks of pleasure from my stomach straight down to my pussy in a hot spiral. Our lips hardly touch. I incline my head to deepen the kiss; I desperately want to press my mouth on his. But he suddenly backs off and I whimper as my hands grasp at nothing..._

_No, please...!_

" _This will be your expiation, Annie."_

_Yes, fuck, yes!_

" _Open your eyes."_

_I almost sob at the sight in front of me._

_He is breathtaking. Every inch of his naked body (when... how? ...did he get rid of his clothes?) is absolutely perfect. His green eyes are slightly narrowed and hooded with desire. His tongue darts out and licks his bottom lip. One hand on his hard length, he's slowly stroking himself, his other hand reaches out for me..._

" _Look at me, Annie."_

_But I do, Kiddo, I do!_

_I'm soaking wet by now and so ready for him it almost hurts._

_His voice is suddenly chesty and hoarse with lust, "Annie, open your..."_

"...eyes, I have to lock up here now!"

_Hu?_

Something... someone was shaking my shoulder. My eyelids fluttered open and I looked into the friendly and familiar face of 'Charlie' the doorman. "I'm sorry to wake you up, Annie, but it's time to get up. You're ok?"

"Ch... Humphrey! What... yeah – oh, shit. I must have dozed off, thanks. What time is it?"

"No prob, it's a quarter to seven; you'll make it just in time. Had a nice dream?" He waggled his eyebrows at me, smiling smugly. "You were, um... talking in your sleep."

_Say it ain't so!_

"Apart from the fact that this is absolutely none of your business – I can't remember," I answered, my cheeks exploding with heat. I knew my blush gave me away. When I turned to leave, I saw Humphrey's shoulders shake with suppressed laughter, and I had the strong feeling things were getting more and more out of control with me.

x-x-x-x-x

It took me a while to determine how I felt about the fact that he didn't show up. I had expected him to wait for me on the platform, but he was nowhere to be seen. So I got on the train, thinking he would probably check the compartments until he found me –  _if_  he was there at all. I didn't know whether I felt relieved because I might just get away with it, or upset because I was stood up. But as the minutes passed by, it all came down to one single emotion: disappointment.

I realized that I  _wanted_  to see him; that I had struggled through this fucking day in a weird kind of anticipation for this moment, and that I felt hurt. I just hadn't thought he was the kind of person who would break a date. Maybe I had finally scared him off with my harsh words? But he had seemed desperate in wanting to talk to me –or maybe he  _was_  on the train, waiting for  _me_  to show up?

The idea that he might be sitting in one of the other compartments, waiting, possibly thinking  _I_  was the one standing him up, while our time was running out, was suddenly unbearable. I didn't want him to think of me as that sort of bitch.

There was still half an hour left. I got on my feet and started walking through the wagons, methodically scanning the seats and benches for the familiar mess of blond hair. But he wasn't there. He obviously had changed his mind.

_You are so fucked up, Portman. You should be glad to be rid of him!_

But I wasn't glad. After I had humiliated myself searching the whole fucking train for him like  _I_  was the one who had wanted this...  _meeting_ , I felt scorned. I fought back the tears were threatening to well up and chastised myself for being such a dumbass. I didn't even bother to find me another free seat and spent the rest of the ride standing, clinging to one of the grab handles.

x-x-x-x-x

When I got off the train, I had finally reached a state of emotional fatigue and all I wanted was a hot bath, a cup of tea and my couch. Maybe I would watch Twilight once again. I was thankful now for the day off Beatrice had talked me into; plenty of time to pity myself and enjoy my spectacular shame without interruptions. I was sure I even had some chocolate left in the drawer.

"Annie!"

I froze. I would have recognized this voice anywhere; even in the most impossible places. And as far as I'm concerned, this  _was_  an impossible place.

I turned around and saw him at the opposite end of the platform. He was running straight at me as if he was going to crash into me. For two cents I would have opened my arms to catch him. My heart gave a little jump.

_Stay out of this, you stupid throbbing traitor!_

When he was almost there, he slowed down and took the last three steps at an easy trot.

"Annie...," he said, slightly breathless as he stopped in front of me. "There you are!"

"What are you doing here?" I blurtet, bewildered.

I should have been mad at him but I wasn't.

He stood there, smiling that fucking crooked smile at me which wasn't supposed to exist, except in a certain piece of literature, and my treacherous heart thumped to new life because it was just wonderful to see him.

"I was waiting for you."

"I suppose so, but this was not what we had agreed upon!"

I tried to sound reproachful because I wanted him to know what he had put me through; but I failed. After the emotional rollercoaster of this day... our unexpected encounter in the morning, my miserable attempts to dissemble my inner chaos during office hours, my wet dream on the roof including 'Charlie's' knowing smirk, and the way I had made a fool out of myself on the train... my words came out like a feeble meow.

"Well, we didn't exactly make an agreement about this," he objected. "You made a suggestion, but you didn't wait for my answer, and..."

_A suggestion? That's what he had taken it for?  
Seems I had lost my mojo way earlier this day than I thought._

"...I saw you didn't feel very comfortable talking to me on the train, so I figured we'd better find some other place, a little more quiet, maybe have a coffee somewhere." He paused a second, frowned briefly and then added: "If you'd like."

_Port Angeles. In front of the restaurant. Perfect reenactment._

_Thanks, Kiddo! As if I needed any more of this shit..._

"I don't think so, Edward." Jesus, would I ever get that name off my tongue without wincing innerly? I continued, "It wasn't a suggestion when I said we could talk on the train tonight. I'm sorry if you got me wrong. I had a really fucking rough day, ok? All I want to do is go home. I'm just tired as hell... sorry, but... no."

He tilted his head and looked at me appraisingly, as if he was having trouble...

_...reading my mind?_

...understanding what I had just told him. Strangely, his eyes seemed to not focus on me but on something close behind me or... around me.

"You need to rest," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Exactly." Why wasn't I happy about his quick insight?

"Is it far from here? Your place?

"No. Just a few minutes. And I really need to go now."

_And since I can't take you home and throw myself all over you,  
we shouldn't drag out this conversation here more than necessary, ok?_

Kiddo nodded as if he had heard my thoughts.

"I'll walk you home."

"Ha!" I gaped at him. "Anything else? God..."

He shrugged. "What?" The crooked smile was back. His bluntness was quite amusing and I couldn't help but laugh.

"If I wanted you to know where I live, I'd give you my number, ok?"

"Ok," he chuckled.

_Too cute!_

We stood there, grinning at each other, but neither of us made the next move. Suddenly it was as if a weight was lifted off me. I couldn't care less about right or wrong, young or old or whatever... his fingers had been inside me, he'd come in my hand already – really, I mean, it couldn't get much worse, right?

"Let's go," I said.

"Ok."

He turned around to step beside me, and we walked a while without talking. The silence didn't feel uncomfortable. Kiddo seemed much more light-hearted now than he was in the morning. At one point – we were almost there – I thought I heard him hum silently.

Wonderingly, I realized that I had assumed, that 'walking me home' didn't mean this would end at my front door, and furthermore: that he was assuming the same.

_Was_ _he?_

"I must warn you; I haven't cleaned up," I said, glancing sideways at him.

"Ok."

"Not much in the fridge either. You can choose between Diet Coke and Diet Coke."

"Ok."

"And could you please stop saying 'ok' all the time?"

He finally turned his head to look at me.

"Ok!" he said and snickered silently.

_Jesus, he is such a baby..._


	7. Gotcha!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a bird that whistles  
> I got a bird that's singin'  
> If I don't have you darlin'  
> Birds don't mean nothin'
> 
> "Bird That Whistles"  
> Joni Mitchell

We walked almost all the way in silence, except for Kiddo's occasional melodic humming. Whether he did this because he was just comfortable or rather nervous, I couldn't tell. Most likely, he wasn't even aware I could hear it.

"Here we are," I said when we turned into 'Old Avenue'. "It's the second house on this side, No 4. See the balcony up there? That's it."

The humming stopped. "Looks like an expensive place."

"It is," I confirmed.

I rented the attic flat of that old mansion four years ago when Beatrice moved me up to vice chief editor. It cost me a fortune each month; just two rooms with a kitchenette and a bathroom - and it took me a while to get accustomed to the slanting walls - but I loved it. The rooms flooded with light from the huge roof windows during daytime, and on top of it all, there was a complete walk-through balcony surrounding the house on all four sides.

We stopped at the front door and I opened my bag to get the keys out. Kiddo leaned against the wall with one shoulder and crossed his arms in front of him.

"Do you live alone here?" he asked.

"No, I... oh, fuck! This bloody..." My arm was up to my shoulder in my ridiculous big bag, rummaging for the keys. "Sorry, I can never find my keys in this... er... no, there are two other tenants."

"I rather meant, do you live with someone?" He cleared his throat. "Are you married, or...?"

_A little late to start worrying about that, Kiddo, don't you think?_

I looked up at him. "What if I am?"

He shrugged. "No idea. Are you?"

I got fed up with the rummaging; I could hear the bunch of keys tinkle somewhere, but couldn't get my hands on the little suckers - there was but one remedy. I pulled the thick office folder out first and held it out to Kiddo. "Could you please hold this for a second? Or else we'll be still standing here at midnight, before I can get my fucking keys out."

He stepped forward and reached both his forearms out, palms upturned, forming a shelf-like space of sorts; and bit by bit, I started to deposit the content of my monster bag on it. The folder was followed by a few magazines, a sweater, my makeup purse, _Eclipse_ , my cell phone power cord... I didn't really pay attention to the stuff I moved in Kiddo's direction.

"So, are you?" he asked.

"...What?" Totally absorbed in my key hunt, I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Married?" I heard him say, while I enlarged the heap on his arms with yet more artifacts from Planet Bag - among others, the red hair barrette I'd been missing for weeks. And then, finally...

"Gotcha!" With a triumphant grin I held up the keys and turned to Kiddo.

He was silently staring down at the vendor's tray I had loaded onto him. There on top of it lay last Friday's forgotten white cotton panties. Apparently, their sight had a numbing effect on my guest.

I rattled the keys in front of his face. "Edward?"

_Headline: Young man hypnotized by women's undies – shrinks are clueless!_

He raised his head as if in slow motion; unspoken questions written all over his face. I grabbed my bag by both its straps, opened it wide and held it under his hands. "Just let it all drop back into it, will you?"

He didn't budge. Without moving his head, his eyes wandered down to my hips; he was obviously checking for a hint of a visible panty line underneath my skirt. It seemed I had given the poor boy quite a traumatic event that night in the park...

"Edward," I couldn't help but chuckle, "I assure you, I'm wearing panties right now, and I usually do. These here," I let go of one bag strap and grabbed exhibit A, "are the ones I was wearing Friday. Before I took them off in the train toilet, that is." With that, I dropped said object in the bag. "Ok?"

He blushed and his green eyes widened. "You were  _planning_  to have... to seduce someone that night?" The thought seemed to intrigue him.

_Nicely worded, Kiddo._

I sighed. "Edward – my feet hurt, I'm thirsty and Carlisle is waiting upstairs. I suggest you help me get this shit back into my bag, so we can go inside, and I will answer all your questions. Deal?"

I held the bag open once more.

He didn't answer, but stepped forward and slowly lowered his arms to carefully let the load slide down into the bag. During this procedure, we were standing very close to each other, and as usual, my body reacted in an instant.

_You will not jump him in front of the house! You will not jump him in front..._

Eventually he handed me the folder and took a step back. His hands went into his pockets, and the familiar frown appeared. Meanwhile I knew this meant he was about to say something I was probably not going to like...

"What is it?" I asked.

His gaze went up the house front as if the answer was written somewhere there, and then he said,

"I think I should go now."

_What? No, no, no, no, no...!_

He continued, looking into my eyes again, "When I said I'd walk you home, I really didn't mean to invite myself in. You are tired and I don't want to bug you."

"You're not bugging me. And I invited you!"

 _Sort of_.

It surprised me how much the thought of him leaving hurt me. My stomach clenched. Once again, he looked up to the balcony. Mechanically I did the same, though there was nothing to see, of course.

_Duh!_

"Do you want me to say the words?" I said, trying to hide the mild panic I felt welling up. "No problem," I paused, looking him straight in the eye, "Edward, would you like to come in for a drink? How's that?"

One corner of his mouth twitched, a faint indication of a smile.

G _o one better, Portman, quick!_

"Will you come if I say the words AND answer one question right here?"

_Full smile. With closed lips, but still... Score!_

"Try me," he said.

I made a step towards him and lowered my voice, "I wasn't planning anything last Friday until I saw you on the train. And then I wasn't planning to seduce  _someone_. I was planning to seduce _you_. Would you perhaps like to come in for a drink, Edward?"

The smile remained, but he still looked a little wary. Glancing up to my apartment once again, he asked, "What about Carlisle?"

_Carlisle? THAT'S his problem? God..._

"I promise he will like you." It was hard not to laugh. _"_  Are you coming now or what?"

"Yes," he answered, "I'd love to."

x-x-x-x-x

When Kiddo had crossed the threshold to my apartment and I closed the door behind us, I was so incredibly thrilled, I almost shouted 'Gotcha!' again. I felt the silly urge to bolt the door from the inside, just to make sure he wouldn't run, but I managed to resist. It would probably freak him out.

When I turned around, I saw him standing at the window where Carlisle's cage was placed. The light from the small table lamp on the sill, which I left switched on permanently for the bird, emphasized the lean silhouette of Kiddo's body. His backside was just as delicious as the rest of him. I delighted in his small hips as I walked across the room to join him, trying to edit out the polka dot backpack on his shoulder. I just couldn't get used to that thing.

"I see you met Carlisle already." I giggled. Gesturing between Kiddo and the cage, I added, "Carlisle – Edward, Edward – Carlisle." Obviously, neither of them got the joke.

Kiddo was staring intently at the little bird, the inauspicious frown back on his forehead. Even Carlisle was untypically mute; he had ruffled his feathers and his delicate eyelids were half closed.

_Probably dazzled._

"This bird is sad," Kiddo stated, matter-of-factly.

"No, he isn't." I was slightly irritated. "I really do take good care of him. Usually, Carlisle is quite verbose at this hour. Maybe you're intimidating him?"

Kiddo shook his head. "No. He is lonely, he's longing for a partner. It's... torturing him."

"Oh come on," I snorted. "How would you know?" Carlisle made a single chirp, as if to second my question.

"I can see his..." Kiddo answered, faltering, "it's his... he tells me so. Sort of." His frown had deepened as if he was in pain, and he blinked a few times, vehemently. He was absolutely serious.

_Uh... that bad?_

I bent forward until my nose touched the small bars to take a closer look at my feathered roommate. "Hey, what's up, little daddy, huh?" I clicked my tongue, making little chirping noises, and was instantly rewarded; Carlisle turned from a fluffy ball into a slim bird again and quickly scurried along his perch towards my face where he started to tenderly nibble at my nose – quite happily, as it appeared to me.

"Ok, Dr. Doolittle," I said as I straightened myself. "I think you should reconsider your diagnosis. In the meantime you can add to Carlisle's happiness by serving as his playground." I opened the cage and reached into it, stretching out my index finger. "He will definitely love your hair."

_...but not as much as I do!_

Carlisle wasted no time. He hopped on my finger, and darted all the way up to my shoulder before I had even pulled my hand out of the cage. From there he gave the compelling tousled landscape on Kiddo's head an appraising one-eyed bird-look and released an enthusiastic twitter.

Kiddo looked down at the little fellow on my shoulder and smiled. I was glad to see the frown had disappeared. Performing a half knee bend, he bowed his head invitingly. I clenched my hands into fists to prevent them from reaching into that sexy blond mess.

_Fuck... so inviting! Carlisle, can I be you?_

My lucky budgie hopped over the small distance into the Promised Land and instantly started nibbling at the soft streaks. Kiddo straightened himself to full height and squinted his eyes at the sensation of the busy bird on his scalp, snickering. I just watched, rapturously.

C _ould he be any more adorable?_

I swallowed, as my throat felt incredibly dry. "Alright... while you guys are becoming acquainted, I'll fetch us the promised drinks." I motioned towards the big black leather couch in the middle of the room. "Just make yourself at home."

I hadn't lied about the content of my fridge. "Is a Diet Coke ok? Sorry, there's really nothing else. But I can make coffee or tea if you like." Looking back over my shoulder, I saw Kiddo settling himself on the carpet, cross-legged. The pink and yellow backpack disaster lay in a corner on the couch, ruining its elegant look. "Coke is fine," he answered.

I opened two cans and handed him one, briefly wondering where I should sit down myself. "Is there something wrong with the couch?" I asked him.

Kiddo turned his head to look at the object in question behind him. "No, it's just... I don't like to sit on leather seats. The noises they make drive me nuts."

_Note to self: Don't try to seduce Kiddo on the couch._

"Really? Never heard anything like that before." I took a sip of my coke, still standing.

Kiddo seemed to see my distress; supporting himself on his hands, he did a 180 and pointed to the couch. "You should take you shoes off before you sit down," he said.

"Why?" I laughed, lowering myself onto the leather cushions. I noticed for the first time that, in fact, it  _did_  make weird noises. "What's wrong with my shoes?" I looked at my black suede high heels.

Kiddo bent forward - eliciting an irritated chirp from Carlisle - and took my right ankle, slowly stretching my leg, until my foot rested on his crossed legs. He removed my shoe and laid it on the carpet. I held my breath.

"These shoes hurt you," he said. "I'll make it go away."


	8. If you only mean it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna be alone with you  
> The sound of everything that's true  
> I'll hold you hostage in my room  
> I gotta be alone with you
> 
> "Oh Lil Boy"  
> Lisa Dalbello

 

"Oh God, that feels so good... it's unbelievable." My head fell back on the rest of my big black leather couch, and I sighed blissfully; while Kiddo ran the knuckle of his middle finger down the sole of my left foot, applying exactly the perfect amount of pressure. He was giving me a professional A-1 foot massage.

Not looking up from his occupation, he dryly answered, "I know."

He was sitting in front of me on the carpet, both my feet rested on his crisscrossed legs, and he was taking turns in attending to them. And he did a hell of a job! Carlisle had long since lost interest in his suddenly turbulent playground, and was sitting on top of the cupboard, twittering drowsily.

"Mmmmh..." I moaned, "Where did you learn that?"

"Angela showed me how to do it. She is the P.T. at the... um, where I live. She gives medical massages and such. I help her sometimes, just with the easy stuff, you know. Foot reflexology is quite easy."

I raised my head and looked at him under half closed lids. "Where you live?" It took me some effort not to mumble, I was that relaxed at this point. "What kind of place has its own P.T.?"

"Park Road Village," he said, a little awkwardly. He cupped both my heels with his hands and looked up. "Done. How does it feel? Better?"

I wiggled my toes. "Much better, that was awesome, Edward – thanks!"

_Park Road Village? I've heard that name before..._

"You're welcome." he smiled and let go of my feet. I sat up and crossed my legs, suddenly recalling...

_Park Road Village - wasn't that the...?_

"You live in a retirement home?" I blurted out.

"Yes." He shrugged. "I live with my uncle, he's the groundskeeper there. I'm helping him with the gardening and mending and whatever there is to do. It's a nice place to live, very peaceful. And the old ladies kinda like me..."

_I bet!_

I laughed. "You are full of surprises."

"You too," he said, suddenly serious again. He lowered his gaze to his hands, which were nervously plucking at the carpet fibers. He took a deep breath and swallowed. I knew what was going on.

"The moment of truth?" I asked.

He nodded. "You promised to answer all my questions."

"I did."

Surprisingly, I didn't feel as embarrassed as I had thought I would. Whether it was the aftermath of the massage or just a certain familiarity we had gained at this point, I felt absolutely calm. In fact, I  _wanted_  to answer his questions, as much as I wanted to know his thoughts and how he felt about our recent encounter in the park. I had quite a few questions too.

"Shall we then?" I hoped it sounded encouraging.

When he started talking, Kiddo kept on looking at his hands. They were slightly shaking. He was far from being even half as relaxed as I was...

"You have answered some of my questions already. I may assume you're not married, and I know that you're usually wearing underwear." He smiled wryly. "I know you wished to... have sex with... me." He shook his head, pausing for a moment. Finally he looked up, his green eyes intense on mine. "I just don't understand why."

"Is that your question? Why I wanted you?"

"Yes." He licked his lips nervously. Our old friend, the frown, was looming on his forehead again.

Suddenly I knew I had to be absolutely and painfully honest with this boy. He deserved the truth. Something about this whole story was troubling him, and this odd sense of guilt was nagging at me again ( _...you owe me, Annie...)_  I wouldn't get away with lame excuses anyway. For some reason, I was sure he would know if I lied.

_Come on, Portman, spit it out!_

"Edward." I took a deep breath. "Since I saw you for the first time, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I wanted you because you are the most beautiful young man I've ever seen in my life. And I still do. Want you, that is."

_There. I said it._

Kiddo gave a brief groan, as if he had taken a slight punch in the stomach, and closed his eyes.

"You mean it," he whispered. It wasn't a question.

After a few moments, he opened his eyes again and said, "Thank you."

Somehow I knew it wasn't for the compliment. I wasn't even sure he had noticed that I had called him beautiful. He was thanking me for the honesty, and I felt oddly relieved and happy to see that he appreciated it.

"Anything else?" I asked softly.

Both his arms went up and he ran his hands through his hair until they met behind his head. He kept this posture, elbows pointing forward, and said, "Yes, there is something. I need to... it's probably asked too much. Don't get mad at me, just say no and I -"

"Edward," I interrupted him. "What is it?"

His hands fell back into his lap, where they started messing with the fringe of his jeans.

"I was wondering whether you would allow me to see the place where I... where I touched you? Not  _there_  – I mean, just on your leg."

_Ok – that's a new one!_

"You want me to show you my thigh?" I asked in bewilderment.

"Yes," he continued hastily, "I know it is... you can just say no. But it was dark then, and it's kinda important to me. I can't explain to you why – well, not yet. But I just need to see it. I won't touch you, I promise."

_Not the kind of promise I'm placing much value on, Kiddo, just saying..._

It was certainly a weird request, but in my current state of contented calmness it didn't bother me at all. It felt quite natural to lift my skirt for him; just enough to uncover the area in question, the fabric was still covering my panties. I turned an inch to the right, spread my legs a little and put my hand on the inside of my right thigh.

"Here," I said.

Of course, I couldn't prevent the memory of  _his_  hands on me from rushing through me in a hot wave. To see Kiddo's face didn't help either.

He had tilted his head; his eyes were fixed on the spot where my hand touched my thigh. He seemed absolutely relaxed – for the first time, I believed. His hands lay still now, the shaking and fidgeting had stopped. The frown was gone, his lips were slightly parted, and he looked just... peaceful. I couldn't think of a better word.

I held out my arm to him. "Would you like to come a little closer?"

Without a word, he got up and came to sit down on the floor next to my legs, resting one elbow on the couch. Calm or not, my heart geared up as soon as we fell below the minimum distance necessary to keep my fantasies in check. I took my hand off my thigh to let him see what he needed to, and he sighed.

"You can touch me if you want," I whispered.

He simply answered, "I know." But instead of moving his hands, he just let his head sink down and lay his cheek on my left leg. Without thinking, I slid my hand into his hair and tenderly played with his curls. They were silky and soft, almost like baby hair.

I suddenly felt like crying. A feeling of overwhelming affection and tenderness for this strange boy came over me, as if I was holding something incredibly vulnerable and precious in my hand. And though the lust and the want were still present underneath, I would have been happy just to stay like this if that's what he needed, if that's what was erasing the fears and worries from his beautiful face.

_You know what? I feel very protective of you, Kiddo..._

"Annie?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yes?"

"Can you please talk to me?"

_Whatever you need, love..._

"What do you want to hear?"

"I don't care," he answered. "Just say something... anything. What you want... if only you mean it. Whatever comes to your mind..."

_Okay... stop thinking, Portman. Just speak._

"Your hair is so soft."

I paused, wondering whether he would say something. But he didn't. Apparently he just wanted to listen.

"I'm forty-two."

Still no answer.

"I couldn't stop thinking of you... of  _us_  – the whole weekend."

This time he replied. "I couldn't stop thinking about us either. And I'm twenty-two."

I let my hand wander down to his neck and up again, softly stroking his jaw, and caressing the small dent behind his ear. He moaned silently, it was almost a purr. The sound of it sent pleasant shivers down my spine; the want was making up ground again. And although (or rather because?) our bodies weren't moving, I felt my heartbeat accelerating and my panties getting damp.

"I lied to you, Annie," Kiddo suddenly said.

"About what?" I tried to recall, what he had said to me so far, at all.

"You remember, on the train? When I said, I wouldn't want to undo anything that happened last Friday. That was a lie."

My heart skipped a beat. Or two.

Kiddo raised his head to look at me, my hand slid down onto my thigh, empty. His green eyes were sincere when he continued, "I regret the way I let you down. I was just so... surprised; I didn't know what was happening to me. That's the one thing I would undo, if I could, Annie. I'm so sorry. I should have made you come."

_Oh sweet Lord Jesus..._

"I can make you come, Annie. I know how to do this."

_Fuuuuuuuck..._

I was melting through the couch; pretty sure I would come any moment, if he said one more thing like that.

"I believe you." I didn't know why I said that, it just felt right.

After that, we didn't speak again. We just looked at each other in silence. Carlisle had fallen asleep on the cupboard, and the only noises in the room were the ticking of the kitchen clock and our breathing.

Until someone knocked on my door...

_Come off it!_

We acted like teenagers whose parents had come home too early. Kiddo literally made a jump and looked around, disorientated. I involuntarily pulled my skirt down.

"Annie, it's me," a familiar voice called from behind the door. "Come on, baby, open the door, I have something for you."

"That's my neighbor," I whispered to Kiddo, answering the silent question in his eyes. "You just stay here; I'll go and talk to him. If I don't, he will knock on the door for the next three hours, believe me, I know."

"Baby," the singsong voice started outside my apartment. "Baby, baby, baby, baaaabyyyy..." Three more knocks. "I know you're there, I saw the light. Come to daddy..."

Kiddo raised his eyebrows.

"I'll get rid of him, I promise," I assured him, and stood up to meet 'James', the nomad from one floor below...


	9. Don't touch her, asshole!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Either he's going to have to stand and fight  
> or take off out of here.  
> I tried to run away myself,  
> to run away and wrestle with my ego  
> and with this flame  
> you put here in this eskimo.
> 
> "Coyote"  
> Joni Mitchell

 

When I opened the door, James the nomad a.k.a. Tom the neighbor was leaning casually at the door frame, grinning. He had a bottle of wine and what seemed to be a rented DVD under his arm.

"Aww... baby, it's so good to see you," he purred, "I've been missing your pretty face, you know?"

He raised his free hand and started to run the knuckle of his index finger slowly up and down my arm; I noticed that his other three fingers held a small pack of... peanuts?

_He brought a snack._

I pulled my arm back, out of his reach. "Tom, I'm sorry," I said, "But you didn't pick a very good time. I'm really not in the mood tonight."

Tom leaned forward and did what earned him his secret Twilight name: He closed his eyes, pushed his chin forward, inhaled deeply through his nose –  _so James! –_  and whispered, "Who are you trying to fool, Annie? I can smell your 'mood' up here... so delicious! Have you just been touching yourself, before I came knocking at your door, hmm? You naughty girl..."

This time the peanut package hand busied itself with stroking my collarbone.

"Stop that, Tom, really..." I grabbed his hand and shoved it towards his chest. "Not tonight."

"Ok, Annie, what's the problem?" He sounded irritated now. "You were gone the whole weekend, you didn't answer the phone, and you didn't even let me know you were planning to leave, in the first place. I thought we... ah, fuck!"

He stopped and sighed; the peanut hand flew up in the air and landed with a crackle on his thigh. "Shit, Annie, where were you?"

"Tom, it's really none of your business where and how I spend my weekends, don't you think?" I said softly, smiling at him.

Tom was a friend, after all. I had no intention to piss him off.

_I just want you to go. Now._

He even was my 'friend with benefits', and we had gone along well with that agreement... no obligations, no promises, just occasional sex. Only this wasn't much of an occasion, and I really had no use for his benefits right now.

"It's not?" he asked acidly. "I apologize for being worried about you when you vanished for almost three days without a word. I thought that was what friends do."

He shoved the things he had brought into my direction; I involuntarily snatched them with both hands and held them to my stomach.

"Have a nice evening," he muttered. "It's a DVD with Hugh Jackman; I heard he's showing his naked ass in this, so... enjoy."

"Tom–" I started.

He interrupted me, raising a hand, "Cut that out, Annie, just don't... I have no idea what's going on here, but you're acting strange, and this is just really not cool."

The hand went to his face, rubbing it fiercely. Softer now, he continued, "I was under the impression lately, that we were going somewhere, you and me. I mean – like the last three months or so – when we were together, you were so much more passionate, and you were sending all these signals..."

_Uhm... the last three months? Really?_

"...and then you just disappeared without a word, and now you don't even ask me in any more."

He was in a huff – so much for not pissing him off. I figured it was time to be a little more direct.

"Tom – it has nothing to do with you. I'm not alone, ok? I have someone over."

In the second I said that, I wished I hadn't. Before I could do anything to prevent it, Tom had one foot in my hallway and was peeking over my shoulder. And to make things even worse... when I turned around to follow his gaze, I saw Kiddo standing in the middle of my living room, watching. Do I need to mention he was frowning?

_Great, Portman. You have everything under control..._

"Fuck, Annie, I can't even... are you fucking kidding me?" Tom hissed at me.

"What?" I stared at him in confusion, clinging to the bottle-DVD-peanut entertainment bundle I was still holding. He grabbed my arm, hard.

"Are you telling me  _he_  was your weekend occupation? Where did you find that runt, Junior High? Fuck! I can't believe it. You're fucking kids now? Going to become a fucking cougar, or whatever?"

He was really mad; with every question he spat out, his voice grew louder and his grip tightened more, cutting off the blood circulation in my arm. There would probably be a nasty bruise tomorrow.

"Let go of me, Tom, you're hurting me!" I turned to the right, trying to squirm free of his death grip, but without success. Instead, the bottle of wine slipped through my arms. I watched it fall down like it was in slow motion; I even had enough time to think...

_Shit - it's red wine, the carpet...!_

...before its plunge was stopped by Kiddo's hand. I looked up to see him straighten up right behind me, and time resumed its normal speed. I was still marvelling at his stunning reflexes, when he placed the intact bottle on the small sideboard in my hallway and stepped beside me.

Then he spoke, distinctly, in a very calm voice, "You heard Annie. Let go of her arm."

Obviously, and in spite of Kiddo's polite request, Tom was definitely not inclined to do so. Still holding tight, he tore on my arm and pulled me out of the way, but didn't let go. My arm felt entirely numb by now, but I didn't really pay attention to it. What bothered me much more was the way Tom planted himself threateningly in front of Kiddo.

"You're not seriously talking to me,  _boy toy_ , are you?" he growled.

"I am," Kiddo answered. "You are hurting her. Let go. Now. Or else..."

I looked at him in awe. He was still outwardly calm, but his hands were clenched into tight fists. I noticed that both his feet were oddly turned inward, as if frozen in the middle of a special dance move, and he was scowling at his opponent. Was he actually trying to be my knight in shining armor?

_Oh no... Tom will so kick his ass!_

"Guys, guys – calm down..." I started. But none of them were listening, apparently too occupied with the grand opening of their testosterone fest to even notice my presence anymore.

"Or else  _what,_ sissy? Will you call mom and dad, yeah?" In order to make his position even clearer, Tom roughly flung my arm up in the air. This time the DVD case went to the floor – and I let out a wail.

And suddenly someone pressed Fast Forward...

My arm was free before the DVD even hit the ground – I noticed hazily it was 'Wolverine' – and I heard a voice,  _Kiddo's voice,_ snarl, "Don't touch her, asshole!"

The momentum of whatever had hit me made me stumble two steps backwards into my apartment; while at the same time Kiddo darted forward and literally crashed into Tom like a wrecking ball.

I winced and involuntarily clenched my fists. The small air-filled package I still held in my hand gave in and popped open, showering me with peanuts. I squealed.

Something very fast and very green –  _what the... Carlisle!_ – wooshed past my face and out the door, cackling angrily. I slipped on the nut-cluttered floor, struggling awkwardly to stay on my feet, as I rushed outside again to...

_...do what exactly? Holy shit!_

All I could see was a dizzying blur of arms and elbows and hands, all of them apparently belonging to Kiddo. He forcefully moved forward with these weird inward-turned steps, while Tom backed off, and helplessly tried to protect his face and chest with both arms. My agitated budgie whirled around them like a mad hornet.

Before I had blinked twice, my neighbor-slash-occasional-lover lay on the floor at the opposite wall of the staircase, curled into a ball and wailed: "Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

Kiddo hovered over him like the fucking 'Punisher' himself, breathing heavily.

_And now? Rip him apart and burn the pieces? What the hell...!_

I gaped at the mayhem before me, rendered speechless.

Carlisle eventually landed on Kiddo's head, where he started scurrying to and fro, thin like a needle and panting through his open beak, like he was close to a heart attack.

Kiddo didn't even seem to notice it. I saw him slowly raise his head, and our eyes met for a second, before the timer switch suddenly turned off the lights in the staircase. At the same time, a single flash eerily illuminated the scene through the roof window, followed by a distant thunder.

If this was a movie, I would have fired the damn jerk of a screenwriter for coming up with such a run-of-the-mill idea.

I hit the light switch when I heard Tom whine, "The crazy motherfucker broke my fucking nose!"

He had taken his hands off his face and was looking at them in disbelief. Blood ran over his mouth and down his chin, and dripped on his snow white sweater.

The sight of it dissolved my ossification. Suddenly, I was so angry that I could feel and hear my own heartthrob in my ears. I wanted to punch them both in face, but instead I just made a feeble attempt to throw the empty peanut pack at Kiddo and screamed, "Are you completely nuts? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

The little cellophane bag tumbled to the ground without even getting near him, but he stared at me as if I had stabbed him with a knife. Wide-eyed, he watched me kneel down next to the victim of his attack, and gasped.

I shifted my attention to Tom to examine his nose. "Stay the fuck still, Tom," I snarled at him.

He whimpered, "It's fucking broken, I can feel it..."

"Stop whining – God...! There's nothing broking," I assured him. "We just need to clean you up."

I looked up at Kiddo who still stood there like a rabbit hypnotized by a snake, and hissed, "You can make yourself useful and fetch me a towel... Jesus – what on earth were you thinking?"

Both his hands went up and straight into his hair where they gripped the blond streaks as if to toss them out. Carlisle took this as his cue to leave and fluttered up. Twittering huffily, he dashed back into my apartment, much to my relief.

Kiddo held on to his head like he was trying to prevent it from bursting. He slowly started to back off and croaked, "I'm sorry..." He sounded half strangled. After a few backward steps, he turned and moved down the stairs, almost running. The sound of his descending footsteps mingled with the noise of the onset of rain, pattering against the roof window. The front door slammed shut, and off he went.

_Sure as hell, I'd fire that screenwriter!_

"I will fucking sue that fag!" Tom mumbled, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his already ruined sweater.

In one second I was on my feet, glowering down on my humiliated neighbor. I heard the words fall from my mouth like they were spoken by someone else, "If you do that, Tom – I swear, I will testify that you attacked me on the threshold of my own apartment, and he came to defend me!"

I waggled my maltreated arm before his face; his fingers were visibly imprinted in my flesh, and red and violet bruises had begun to build at the verges.

"Home invasion, sexual harassment and bodily injury – you better think twice. Believe me, I mean it! And your nose is not broken. It's not even swollen. Go home and wash your face."

I didn't wait for an answer. I kicked the DVD across the floor towards him, turned on my heels and, once back in my hallway, slammed the door shut behind me.

_Seems I really feel very protective of you, Kiddo. Even if you screw things up..._

x-x-x-x-x

Thirty minutes later, after I had maneuvered my outraged budgie back into the safety of his cage and cleaned up the peanut eruption, I found myself sitting on the furthest left side of my leather couch, staring at the furthest right side, where the dotted backpack was leaning against the armrest.

Kiddo hadn't returned yet, and probably wouldn't. I remembered the shocked look in his eyes and how he literally had fled like a hunted deer. I shouldn't have screamed at him, but Jesus Christ – what had possessed him? He had seemed so gentle and vulnerable – I'd never thought he had it in him to go postal that way...

And I still couldn't believe he had actually floored bigmouth 'I-know-Karate' Tom! How had he done that anyway? He had moved so fast, almost invisible to the eye.

_Vampire skills, huh?_

Not that Tom didn't deserve it; he could be such an asshole at times. I guessed the era of 'friends with benefits' was finally over...

The thunderstorm had passed, but it was still raining pitchforks. The kitchen clock showed eleven p.m. He had most likely taken the last train – he wouldn't come back tonight.

I tore my eyes away from the pink and yellow dots and rose from the couch. Recalling my earlier needs, I thought it was probably a good idea to end this rollercoaster day with a hot bath. It was a perfect occasion to put my new herbal bubble bath Beatrice had recommended to a test. The blurb promised a relaxing effect – I sure as hell could use some of that.

I went to the bathroom and turned on the hot water faucet. As soon as the bathtub bottom was covered with water, I threw some of the green pearls into it, and went back to the couch – and the backpack. It was too tempting.

_You know you shouldn't do that, Portman?_

I knew. Curiosity killed the cat. But on the other hand, that ugly thing had bothered me from day one. Maybe it was time for it to pay back, reveal its secrets... a _h, to hell with it!_

I leaned forward, grabbed the backpack by its straps and pulled it onto my lap. I got a little excited when I unbuckled the top flap, eager to learn something about Kiddo.

The first thing that surfaced was a wadded up piece of black fabric. His hoodie. The poor boy must have been quite cold on his way to the train station. It was just a few minutes away, but still... Shaking my head, I laid it next to me on the couch.

Then there was something red and flat. I pulled it out to see: it was a notebook. Or a diary? My heart accelerated. Oh, this would really go too far... but I hadn't opened the box of Pandora just to see a hoodie. Certainly not. Just one look?

I persuaded myself that I would put it away as soon as it turned out to really be a diary, and flipped it open in the middle, at the last page written. I looked at Kiddo's elegant, even handwriting, and then I forgot to breathe...

_**Monday, Sept. 21  
** Her name is Annie.  
She was flickering grey this morning, twice.  
But the fishes were translucent.  
Like I could brush them away  
with my hands.  
Or with my mouth.  
She cares for me though she doesn't want to.  
She was so funny when she gave me talking lessons  
all bouncing in pink and yellow.  
I was opened, unshielded,  
like I haven't been in years,  
like a beloved child,  
like a violet lover.  
I will talk to her tonight.  
A few hours to embrace myself.  
There will be truth tonight.  
I hope.  
I fear.  
Annie._

_I stared at the page, unbelieving. What was that? A poem? About me? Obviously. And though I didn't understand a word, it sounded very... romantic. And totally nuts at the same time. Was he falling in love with me? Oh God..._

_Relax, Portman! It probably means nothing..._

He had written it today. Did he also write something on Friday, about...? I slowly turned one page.

_**Sunday, Sept. 20  
** I haven't slept since Friday.  
Today I told Law about The Woman.  
He said, it had always been just a matter of time.  
That there had to be someone, someday.  
I didn't tell him what she did to me.  
Or what I did to her.  
I just told him about the cracks and the wave.  
He advised me to find The Woman and talk to her.  
I said that I'm afraid to talk to her,  
that I'm afraid to find out I was wrong.  
What if it wasn't her?  
What if I just lost it and made things up?  
Do I really want to know?  
 **  
**_

That sounded a lot less like a poem. Who the hell was Law? And he told someone about it? At least he seemed to have concealed the particular circumstances of our encounter. But 'the cracks and the wave'? What was that supposed to mean? Christ, this boy really had issues...

Before I could turn the next page, the backpack on my lap suddenly and very actively called itself to my mind – it vibrated. Startled, I flipped the notebook shut as if caught in the act.

_Fuck!_

I hastily fumbled at one of the smaller flaps at the front, and turning up was a cell phone, blinking and buzzing. Kiddo had received a text message.

I stared at the flashing display, deliberating. Maybe it was him? He had noticed that his backpack was missing and now...

I pressed the menu button, and the display switched to show the sender.

It said: LAW.


	10. Adrenaline Rush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thunder – don't go under the sheets  
> Lightning – under a tree  
> In the rain and snow, I'll be your fireside  
> Come running to me when things get out of hand  
> Running to me when it's more than you can stand  
> I said I'm strong, straight, willing  
> To be a shelter in a storm  
> Your willow, when the sun is out
> 
> "Willow"  
> Joan Armatrading

 

I flung the cell phone down as if it was a living creature, about to bite me.

_Caught by the LAW!_

I giggled a little – this was ridiculous, but still... now I felt bad about having pried into Kiddo's ( _it's a fucking diary, Portman!_ ) notebook. I shouldn't have done that. I put it back into the backpack and stuffed the hoodie on top of it, when I suddenly remembered my bath.

_Fuck!_

I hurried into the bathroom and quickly turned off the water at the last minute. The tub was filled to the edge; hot enough to boil eggs, and the whole room was heated and damp. I stripped off my clothes, which was a relief, and slipped into my heavy terrycloth bathrobe. Since the water would have to cool down a little, I decided to go to part two of my earlier plan: a hot tea.

When I entered the living room, Kiddo's cell came to life again, this time with music. Wonderingly, I recognized Jeff Buckley's 'I Want Someone Badly'. Interesting choice for a ringtone.

A quick check showed it was LAW again. It drove me nuts. Who or what the fuck was LAW? The knowledge that Kiddo had told LAW about us, was unnerving. I wished I hadn't read his ( _Diary!_ ) notebook.

_I wished LAW would hang the fuck up!_

But my curiosity was stronger. I pressed the connect button, held the phone to my ear and said, "Hello?"

There was a long moment of silence.

"Hello... I wanted to talk to Edward Grey?" A male voice.

"Uhm... yes, this is Edward's number. But he isn't here. May I ask who is calling?"

Another pause. Then the voice said, "Lawrence Newton. I am Edward's uncle. And you are...?"

_So it's the grannies' home groundskeeper. Hi, pops!_

"Annie Portman."

"Ok... Mrs. Portman, where is Edward? I would really like to talk to him."

_I would like to talk to him too, now that you've said it._

"I don't know, Mr. Newton, isn't he home yet? It's been almost three hours, since he left – I thought he..."

Pops cut me off, "Wait, wait – he left? Where is 'here', and why do you have his cell? Did something happen to him?" He sounded anxious now.

"Yes, he left," I answered. "He just forgot his backpack at my place, and when you called, I thought it was him, so..."

"Mrs. Portman..."

"Annie, please."

"...Edward Never. Forgets. His backpack."

"Oh? Well, I'm afraid, this time he did."

There was another moment of silence. I could hear Kiddo's uncle breathe; he seemed to be quite agitated.

"Are you 'The Woman' Edward met on Friday night?" he asked without premonition.

I could literally hear the capitals. A page of a small red notebook flipped open before my inner eyes... " _Today I told Law about The Woman..."_ Shit, yes – I was 'The Woman'!

"Yes, I am."

"What happened?" There was a constant reproval in his voice which started to piss me off. The question had sounded rather like he was asking, ' _What did you do him?'_ – and I wasn't going to have that.

"Nothing happened, Mr. Newton. I ran into Edward at the train station, I invited him to my place, we got to talking, he left. That's it."

_...apart from the foot massage, my neighbor's bleeding nose, and the fact that I wished your nephew would have fucked me senseless on the carpet._

"Without his backpack?"

"Without his backpack."

_Christ – what's the fuzz about this bloody backpack all the time?_

"I don't believe you," Pops said bluntly.

I said nothing. After a few moments I heard him sigh and he continued,

"When Edward comes back, would you please tell him to call me?"

_When? Not if?_

"I don't think he will come back, Mr. Newton."

Another sigh. "He will. But if I don't hear from him in the next two hours, I'll call the cops."

_What?_

"Thank you, Mrs. Portman," he said and hung up.

"Fuck you, grandpa!" I hissed at the phone in my hand, pointlessly.

He had acted as if we were talking about a six year old and I was a child molester or something. Call the cops? Jesus...

I tucked the cell phone back into its pink and yellow fold. "If anyone else should mention you to me once more tonight, someone will die!" I promised the damned backpack and tossed it back on the couch, a second before my door bell rang.

_God... will this day ever end?_

If this was Tom, someone would die right now, if he said 'backpack' or not!

But no, Tom would have knocked...

_When. Not if._

Kiddo? My heartbeat accelerated with the mere thought that it might be him. Like I was a silly teenage girl, I hurried to the door and pressed the button of the intercom, "Yes?"

"It's me. I need my backpack."

x-x-x-x-x

It took him so long to come upstairs that I was already wondering if he had changed his mind. When I checked the door for the third time, he was finally there – one hand on the door frame as if he needed leverage, his shoes in a small puddle of water. He was soaking wet from the rain. His shirt was glued to his body, and the sight of his defined chest and abs made me instantly remember my dream on the roof, and I wanted to...

_This is Annie's brain calling +++ Message to hands: 'Don't!' +++ Over and out._

Water was running from his hair and dripping from his nose, and his tongue slid out to lick it away. I could hardly focus on what he was saying. "Annie, I know it's late, and you're mad at me, but..."

_Oh, shut up!_

Without a second thought, I interrupted his apology by flinging my arms around his neck and holding him tight. He staggered a little and moaned briefly in surprise, before he reluctantly put his arm around my waist.

"I'm not mad at you," I whispered in his neck. "I'm glad you came back."

He lowered his head and breathed into my hair, "Annie..."

It was only then that I noticed his entire body was shaking with cold. I reached down for his arm to remove it from me, and took a step back.

"God, you are completely drenched, you must be freezing! Where the hell were you... have you been outside in the rain for the last three hours?"

Not waiting for an answer, I pulled him inside.

When the door clicked shut, I had just enough time to turn around before Kiddo lurched into me, nailing me to the door with his body. His trembling hands delicately cupped my face, and he leaned his forehead against mine. It was not only the cold water, which leaked from his hair and dropped onto my breasts, that made me gasp. Our lips were just an inch apart. I held my breath.

"Annie..." he murmured, "How can you not be mad at me?" He slurred a little, as if he were drunk.

"We'll discuss that later," I answered weakly, "First of all, we must get you dry and warm, ok?"

But in spite of myself I slung my arms around his middle, pulling him closer to me. His hands wandered down from my face to my neck, both his thumbs tenderly stroking my jaw, his lips brushed along my cheek. This was pure bliss. I closed my eyes.

_Are you going to kiss me now? Uh yes, please..._

When he continued, his voice was so low that it was almost inaudible.

"No, Annie. First of all I need... I really need..."

_God, yes – I need that too!_

"... my backpack," he finished.

And then his knees gave way.

Instinctively, my arms tensed under his shoulders, trying to support him. But of course, once gone limp, he was way too heavy for me to hold him up. He sank down as if shot with a dart gun; I still held him in my arms when we both landed on the floor with a loud thud.

Utterly shocked, I repeatedly yelled his name, in different combinations with all kinds of profanities. His weight pinned me down, and I struggled to squirm free. To my great relief, he hadn't passed out completely; I noticed he was trying to help me. Eventually I could get on my knees, and with some effort, manage to make him sit up and lean against the wall.

"Fuck, Edward, what's wrong? Are you sick? You're scaring the shit out of me!"

He was shaking violently now. His eyelids fluttered open, and he whispered one single word, "Backpack."

I hurried to the couch and grabbed the dotted thing – my recent oath to kill completely forgotten. Kneeling down by Kiddo's side, I threw it onto his lap. Anxiously, I watched him trying to unbuckle the flap with his shaking hands – I was dead scared by now, and this took much too long for my liking.

"Let me help you," I pushed his hands aside and tore into the backpack on my knees. "What is it, Kiddo, tell me what you need." In one corner of my mind, I noticed I had called him by the wrong name, but I didn't care.

"Dextrose... tawlets... adde boddom..." he was really slurring now, and I could see how hard he was struggling to stay conscious.

I pulled out the hoodie and turned the backpack upside down to empty it completely. There was a pack of dextro energy. I tore it open, and the square tablets, all individually wrapped, fell to the floor. I picked up one of them and cussed when I tried to remove the cellophane; my fingers couldn't get a grip on the small pull tab.

"What kind of idiot invented this fucking crap?" I yelled hysterically, tears welling up. "How in hell are you supposed to get that shit inside your body without help, shaking like that...? Shit! Fuck!"

Kiddo made a feeble noise which sounded like a giggle. How could he still giggle? I sobbed, when the wrapping finally came off. Useless as his hands were by now, I didn't try to hand it to him.

"Open your mouth," I ordered. He obeyed. I put the tablet on his tongue, and started to unwrap the next one. "How much do you need?" He mumbled something that sounded like six, and closed his eyes, chewing.

"Don't you dare blackout in my hallway, do you hear me? I'll be so mad at you!"

He nodded with closed eyes, "Promise."

One after the other, I fed him five more tablets before he held up one shaky hand to indicate he had enough. I watched him apprehensively. After a while the tremor ceased, and he opened his eyes.

"Sorry," he said, still a little fuzzy. And then he frowned.

_Yes, that's my boy – welcome back!_

He slowly reached out to wipe a single tear off my cheek with his thumb. "Why... cry?" he muttered.

I angrily rubbed my face with both hands, and his arm fell back on the floor next to him.

"Because you scared the living daylight out of me! God...! Are you sure you don't need a doctor?"

He shook his head. "Sure. Better in a minute. Promise."

"You're a diabetic," I stated. He closed his eyes again and nodded yes.

"Fuck! And when were you going to tell me about it? Before or after you planned to bite the dust in my hallway?" I was pretty agitated, only slowly recovering from my... adrenaline rush.

_It's very common – you can google it!_

He giggled again, and looked at me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said, much more clearly now. "And you were doing great, by the way. Thank you, Annie."

"This isn't funny, Edward, not at all," I reproved. "And we still have to get you out of these wet clothes, or else you will catch your death. Do you think you're able to get up and walk a few steps?"

"In a bit. Give me one more minute."

I sighed and reached for the backpack to fetch his cell phone.

"You should call your uncle, by the way. Before he sends in a fucking swat team."

He raised his brows but didn't say anything, just took the phone from my hand and pressed the speed dial button. I went to my bedroom to give him some privacy. And to find something Kiddo could wear while his clothes were in the dryer.

But I left the door ajar, and when I heard his voice, I just sat down on the bed, perfectly still and big-eared.

"Yeah, it's me ... I know, sorry ... no, I'm fine ... yes ... yes, it's her ... you did, really? … because I kinda screwed things up again, ok? ... no, it was black ... no idea, Law, can we talk about that tomorrow? ... no, I was walking, and then I felt a hypo coming when I wasn't halfway there yet, so I turned and walked back ... yes … Law! … I really don't think ... oh, come on! … ok … ok ... I said ok, Law! ... Annie?"

I winced, surprised. "Yes?"

"He wants to talk to you."

_Oh?_

Reluctantly, I walked over and took the phone. Kiddo looked up warily as I held it to my ear.

"Mister Newton?"

"Mrs Portman..."

"Annie," I offered for the second time.

"Annie... I would come and pick Edward up, but he doesn't want me to. He's grown-up, so it's his decision. He seems to think that it is all right with you if he stays?"

It sounded like a question and he paused. So I answered, "Yes. If he wants to stay... sure."

"Ok. There are a few things you need to know then. Important things. Do I have your attention?"

Grandpa Law was already pissing me off again, but I kept my composure. "I'm listening."

"First off, Edward hasn't slept since last Friday, not at all, and I'm not using a metaphor here, ok? That's quite a while to go without sleep, you can do the math. Second – he hasn't eaten much either. And from all I know, I can tell without a doubt, he's on the verge of a breakdown, and that's to be taken literally too. Is that understood?"

I looked down at Kiddo, who had closed his eyes again. His arms slung around his knees, he was slightly rocking back and forth.

"I see," I answered, and it was true. I definitely could see his fatigue now. Why hadn't I noticed the dark shades under Kiddo's eyes before?

_Because you were too much occupied with lusting after his other features, Portman!_

"Good. He needs to eat something. Soon. The dextrose is just an emergency measure, the effect won't last long. He needs something high in carbs. After that, he must stay awake for at least 30 minutes, and then he must check his blood sugar and have an injection. He tends to be sloppy with that, so he needs someone to keep an eye on it. And last, he needs to sleep. Sedate him, if necessary – there are drops in his backpack, he will take them willingly. But he  _must_  sleep! Do you think you can cope with that?"

"I will take care of him, Mr. Newton, don't worry."

At my words, Kiddo looked up and rolled his eyes.

"Thank you, Annie. I'm counting on you." Pops paused and cleared his throat. "And I apologize, if I appeared a little rude earlier. I was just worried. Edward is my only family and he is... special."

_I know._

"It's all fine, Mr. Newton, I understand that."

"My friends call me Law. Oh, and please tell Edward I give him a day off tomorrow."

"I will. Good night, Law."

"Good night."

I handed the cell back to Kiddo. He smiled wryly. "Was it very bad?"

"Yes," I answered, smiling back. "But it was worth it. You have no idea how much I just learned about you."

He buried his face in his hands and moaned in mock exasperation.

Meanwhile, his hair had half dried and started to curl in the cutest of ways. I remembered how it had felt under my hand when Kiddo had laid his head on my thigh, the memory like an echo of the overwhelming tenderness which had overcome me in that moment.

I would care for him.

Food. Meds. Sleep. In that order.

But first...

"Come on, Edward, take your clothes off."

 

\- - - 

You can listen to an unplugged version of the song I quoted at the beginning of this chapter here:

**<http://audiofiction.blogspot.de/2011/02/in-chapter-10-of-your-true-colors.html> **


	11. I like watching you sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> His gaze, going past those bars, has got so misted  
> with tiredness, it can take in nothing more.  
> He feels as though a thousand bars existed,  
> and no more world beyond them than before.
> 
> Those supply powerful paddings, turning there  
> in tiniest of circles, well might be  
> the dance of forces round a centre where  
> some mighty will stands paralyticly.
> 
> Just now and then the pupils' noiseless shutter  
> is lifted. - Then an image will indart,  
> down through the limbs' intensive stillness flutter,  
> and end its being in the heart.
> 
> "The Panther"  
> Rainer Maria Rilke

I took my task very seriously. The fact that I could attend to some of Kiddo's basic needs, instead of dealing with this disturbing ( _relationship?)_ situation we had because of my inappropriate sexual attack, made me feel less guilty. And less naughty.

I wanted to do this right. I wanted to be able to say it was a good thing that he was with me tonight, because I took care of him when he needed help.

_Awesome, Portman! Just ignore that he needs help because of you, in the first place..._

Once I got Kiddo on his feet again, I shoved him into the heated bathroom. He argued with me about making use of the now perfectly tempered bubble bath. Only after I threatened to use physical violence, he gave in and rewarded me with a smile. I was very tempted to help him undress, but with something close to supernatural self-restraint, I just told him to leave his clothes on the floor and get his butt into the hot water.

Then I left the bathroom and closed the door behind me, pretty proud of myself. Getting Kiddo  _(naked!)_ warm? Check! And I hadn't even peeked...

_You didn't even peek? Duh!_

The next point on my task list was a bit of a challenge: Food. I was the most miserable cook on earth. I used to eat in the office cafeteria; sometimes I would call the pizza delivery, if I needed a meal in the evening. Not even I would eat anything I had prepared. My stocks of food were virtually zero.

And 'high in carbs'? What did that mean? I wished I had payed more attention to 'Rosalie's' daily diet reports – admittedly, the little bitch was almost a nutritionist, sort of. I remembered when she had tried the low carb thing a month ago... no white bread, right?

A sandwich then! Checking my availabilities, I found out that I could offer a decent tuna sandwich with salad, onions and mayonnaise. I even had canned mandarin slices in my cupboard. Yummy!

After I had prepared everything, I knocked on the bathroom door, but Kiddo didn't answer. Peeking through the door crack, I saw he had fallen asleep in the hot bubble bath. So I slipped inside, sat down on the bathtub rim and...

_Oh Lord, give me strength!_

… just filled my eyes. His head had fallen back, exposing his long neck and the bulging Adam's apple. He was breathing through his open mouth and his perfectly sculptured chest was heaving evenly. As if hypnotized, my eyes followed a single drop of water running down from his collarbone to his nipple where it got stuck for a moment. I wanted to lick it away.

Kiddo naked. And wet. In my bathtub. I tried to peek through the gaps in the slowly melting foam.

_Knock it off already, Portman!_

It broke my heart to wake him up, but I did. I brought him his hoodie and the biggest towel I had, because there was really nothing in my wardrobe to cover his lower regions properly.

Well, he might have been able to squeeze himself into my yoga pants, but the mere thought of...  _uh_ ,  _really – no!_

He commended me on my sandwich, confirming the nutrient content was absolutely fine, and asked for another one, which made me ridiculously proud again. Feed Kiddo? Check!

Keeping him awake for another half an hour turned out to be the hardest part. Now that he was warm and sated, he could hardly keep his eyes open. I made him explain his diabetes therapy to me, which seemed to help. He showed me his insulin pens and the glucose meter, which kinda looked like a trendy cell phone. I was unable to follow his elaborations on insulin management and target blood sugar and what else, but I was glad it made him focus and kept him from falling asleep.

After 30 minutes, I gave him some privacy to attend to his therapy. I stuffed his damp clothes into the dryer and cleaned up a little in the bathroom. After that, I maneuvered a meanwhile semi-comatose Kiddo to my bedroom. There was definitely no need for any sedatives – he sank on the mattress like a fallen tree. However, he started another, if pretty weak argument about the use of the bed. I assured him, I'd be fine on the couch and that, other than his,  _my_  feet wouldn't jut out – which eventually convinced him. He stripped off his hoodie; I threw the blanket over him, wished him a good night and left the room.

Kiddo medicated? Check! Kiddo off to bed? Check!

_Portman – you're a fucking superheroine!_

x-x-x-x-x

After I had taken a shower and, still in my bathrobe, settled in my makeshift bed on the couch, I lay awake for a long time. First off, that fucking leather couch  _did_  make weird noises. Since Kiddo had made me aware of them, they kinda got on my nerves too. Second – he was in my bedroom. In my bedroom! Shouldn't I check in at least once to see if he was all right?

_And maybe have one more look at his bare chest? Sure, Portman!_

As soon as I had opened the bedroom door, the sight that met my eyes killed me. He was naked. I mean, naked... like in, naked!

The towel lay on the floor beside the bed, and the blanket had half slid down too. Kiddo lay on his back, sound asleep, putting the sheer magnitude of his perfect male beauty on display in the dim, warm light of the small bed lamp.

I wouldn't have been able to turn around and leave the room, if it had been for my life. I climbed on the bed, cautiously to not stir the mattress too much, and sat down. I just  _had_  to look at him.

My vision of him naked, when I had been dreaming on the roof, did him no justice. His body was toned, but still lean. I noticed that his legs and hips weren't as tanned as his upper body, so it was natural tan. He had mentioned gardening, right? I was delighted to see that the hair on his legs was blond too. Even the darker hair that surrounded his now soft and innocent cock, was scattered by some blond curls.

Following a sudden impulse, I slipped out of my bathrobe and threw it behind me. Being naked too, I felt less like a fucking peeper. I pulled my legs up to my chest, slung my arms around them and rested my chin on my knees. Sitting like that, I let my eyes drink in his beauty for quite a while, bravely trying to ignore the knot in my stomach and the wetness building between my legs.

I couldn't believe he didn't have a girlfriend. There should have been loads of doting girls banging his door down. But we hadn't talked about it yet – maybe there was a girlfriend? I sighed.

_Why are you here, Kiddo?_

I turned my gaze to his face, and my breath caught for a second. His eyes were wide open. I hadn't even noticed he had woken. And how long had he been awake already?

"Hey," I said softly. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Why aren't you?" he returned my question. "And why are you here?"

I smiled at him, playfully. "This is  _my_  bed, remember?"

"As if I could forget about that," he muttered under his breath.

The shadows under his beautiful eyes looked even darker now in the dim light, and he hadn't moved a muscle while we were speaking. Knowing how spent he was, I felt bad to keep him from the rest he needed more than anything else.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, Edward, I just..."

_...like watching you sleep._

"...wanted to make sure, you were ok."

He looked at me for a while, silently, motionless. I knew, I should get the fuck out of this room and leave him alone, but I just still couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off of him.

"Annie?"

If I hadn't seen his lips move, I wouldn't have been sure he actually said something.

"Mh-hm?"

"You're naked," he whispered.

"So are you," I whispered back.

Bestirring for the first time, he raised his head a little to look down on himself.

"Oh..." His head fell back onto the pillow. He threw his forearm over his eyes and moaned, "This is a little embarrassing."

I quick look showed me what he was talking about; a certain part of his body had obviously just decided to ignore Kiddo's general state of exhaustion. My groin tightened and I licked my lips.

_Fuck!_

This was definitely my cue to get out of here, before things got out of hand.

_Or rather into my hand. Jesus...!_

Moving to get up, I muttered, "The blanket is right here, I'll get it and then..."

I felt his hand around my wrist, holding me back. "Please... don't. Don't leave."

"Edward," I sighed, not looking at him, "you're dead tired, you need to sleep. I promised Law to take care of everything, and this is really not the way, don't you think?"

"Fuck Law," he said softly.

It was the first time he had uttered a profanity like that, and to hear him say the F-word in his velvety voice immediately flushed my body with heat. I swallowed.

"You  _did_  take care, and it is silly of me to be ashamed," he continued. He was tentatively pulling me down, while he spoke, "I don't want to cover myself when I'm with you, Annie. In any way."

As soon as he noticed that I didn't resist his approach, he let go and his arm fell back onto the mattress. I turned my head to face him. His gaze never left mine as I stretched out next to him on my back.

And there we lay, looking into each others eyes, perfectly still – like in...

_...the meadow scene – rated M!_

For a few minutes, we neither spoke nor touched. Our hands lay between us, so close that I only needed to move my pinky to make contact, but I didn't.

"You're so pretty," he said. "Do you know that? How am I supposed to sleep when you're so pretty?"

I held my breath, my skin started tingling. He thought I was pretty.

"Tell me what you want, Annie."

_What I...? Uh, no way._

I exhaled the breath I'd been holding, "What do you mean?"

"No – Annie, don't..." He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. "Don't do that. You're here by my side – naked – when I think you should be mad at me, because you have every reason to be. But instead you saved me, you fed me, you put me to bed – your own bed – and you care for me like I was your... I don't know... what am I to you, Annie?"

His words and the way he sank his green eyes into mine ripped the breath from my lungs. I more mouthed than spoke, "I don't know."

"Do you want to know what you are to me?" he asked.

I could only nod.

"You are a miracle to me, Annie. You don't know how long I've waited for you..."

_Oh. My. God. – He didn't say that, did he?_

I closed my eyes and moaned silently; I thought I was going to faint. This was insane! A hot ache began in my groin, my head was swirling, and if I had thought I couldn't get any wetter...

_Get a grip, Portman. The poor boy is half delirious; he doesn't know what he's saying._

"I can see your true colors, Annie, and when you speak the truth, they are almost too beautiful to bear, so please..."

_Delirious. Hallucinating._

"...what do you want from me, Annie – if only right now? Can't you just say it?"

_I can't!_

"I want  _you_!" I blurted breathlessly. "I want you so badly it hurts. Right now, I'm soaking wet and aching to have your hard cock inside me, ok? Shit..."

Once more he had dazzled the truth out of me.

I covered my eyes with one hand and moaned, "God, Edward, this is all kinds of wrong... but the only thing I want you to do right now is to take me and fuck me senseless."

There was a moment of silence; I heard Kiddo exhale one long breath. And then I felt the mattress stir as he shifted his body alongside mine until we touched. "I can't promise I can get this right, Annie..." he said; he took my hand by the wrist and removed it from my face, to make me look at him. "...but I would like to try. If you'd let me?"

_Oh God... yes, please... try!_

He shoved one knee between my legs and moved himself half way over me, supporting his weight on one arm. I almost choked with the sensation of his warm skin on mine – every single cell of my body screaming  _'Yes!'_  – and when I felt his erection on my hip, I couldn't help but grab his buttocks and grind my wet sex against his thigh.

In no time, we both were breathing heavily; neither of us wanted much foreplay.

He lifted his hips a little, placing his other leg between my thighs and pushing them further apart.

Hovering high over me on his extended left arm, he reached down between us with his right hand and I felt the back of it brush over my wet folds. I bucked my hips and drew in a sharp breath.

He moaned and his hand stopped. "Please... don't move," he whispered hoarsely.

"God, Edward..." I gasped, bewilderedly. "What do you...?

_Was he trying to tease me?_

"Shhhh..." he said, looking at me under half-closed lids. His mouth was formed into a small 'o' and his brows were slightly furrowed; when he moved his hand again, his breath quickened up another notch. And so did mine, when I felt him positioning his tip at my entrance.

His left arm trembled with the effort to hold himself up, but he paused once more.

"Don't move," he breathed again.

And though I half felt as if I was losing my mind, I surrendered and let him take charge. Surprisingly, the other half of me relished the idea of not being in control.

"Ok... it's ok..." I assured him, panting.

He pulled his right hand up and placed it next to my shoulder, supporting his weight on both arms now. His trapezius muscles bulged as he did, begging for me to sink my teeth into them. The head of his cock skimmed my swollen clit. I bit my lips, craving for him to move.

_Christ... Kiddo, fuck me already!_

I raised my arms above my head and grabbed the headboard, desperately trying to give him what he had asked for. All I could think by now was that I had to have him inside me or die.

_Oh, please... Just. Do. It._

After a few more agonizing moments, he arched his back and his hips thrust forward in one slow, powerful move. He threw his head back and gasped, as he entered me fully. My walls tightened around him immediately, the sensation of him finally filling me was incredibly intense.

He pulled back a little, and a loud, sob-like cry escaped me. In a split-second, he stopped dead once again and let go a suppressed groan. It was sheer torment.

When he eventually thrust into me again, I grabbed the headboard harder, trying to keep myself from moaning, because it finally dawned on me that he was...

_...he isn't teasing, he is..._

...struggling with his self-restraint. My utterly adorable, but inexperienced young lover was trying to prolong this, and my ecstatic noises obviously didn't help his cause.

I could tell from the way his eyes kept holding mine, he was trying for me. He had opened his mouth in ecstasy, as he was slowly  _– much too slowly –_ moving in me, and whenever the slightest whimper escaped me, he would hold still for a second. His eyes wanted to roll back in his head, but he forced his gaze back on me again and again, appraisingly... lovingly.

_He wants this to be about me._

The realization almost brought me to tears... this beautiful boy was the sweetest living thing. He wanted me to come first – and God, I would let him have that!

I reached one hand down between us to rub against myself. It wouldn't take long; I had been close literally from the very first moment he had entered me. I couldn't suppress another moan though, making Kiddo hold on again, and suddenly I felt his hand on mine.

"Please let me... let me do this for you, Annie."

I let him pull my hand away, and he shoved one arm under me and around my waist, his other hand grabbed the headboard for support. Holding me, he cautiously got on his knees, concerned about keeping us joined. Bending over me, he tightened his grip around my middle and pulled my hips up and closer towards him.

The movement brought him even deeper inside me, and he grinded his teeth and groaned, as he slowly lowered my back down until my head and shoulders met the mattress.

"...you 'k?" he asked between pants.

I looked up at him in wonder, beguiled by his thoughtful tenderness. "Yes."

Still holding me under the small of my back, he started moving in me again. I dug my fingers into his thighs and whimpered silently.

This time it didn't make him stop. He let go of the headboard and laid his palm on my cheek. His thumb brushed my lips, and I opened my mouth and sucked it in, eliciting a brief groan from him.

Bit by bit he raised his upper body, while his hand wandered along my neck, down between my breasts and across my stomach, all the way to where I needed it the most. Sitting up straight on his heels at last, he pressed the ball of his hand against my mound.

Then he said huskily, "I'll make you cum now, Annie." And while our bodies where rocking back and forth with his thrusts, he began to circle, and stroke, and push my clit with the thumb I had sucked just now.

Heated-up beyond all measures by the previous stop-and-go, it was all I needed. I came almost immediately, my head fell back and I cried out with the intensity of my orgasm.

In a distant corner of my consciousness I heard Kiddo moan my name...

"Annie... oh God... Annie... yes..."

I felt him pull out of me while I was still riding out my climax. But before I could complain at the loss, his fingers were inside my contracting cleft, prolonging the sensation, and I moaned loudly.

He waited until my breathing had slowed down before he removed his hand from my swollen sex. Then he maneuvered himself over my trembling leg and came to stretch out on his side next to me. I rolled over to face him, and felt his still rock-hard erection twitch against my belly.

_Why did you do that, Kiddo?_

I felt blissfully wonderful, but utterly confused. He looked at me intensely, still breathing heavily. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt him somehow? Or did he worry about contraception?

Before I could ask any questions, he took my hand, pulled it down and made me grab his cock. He closed his hand above mine and, holding it that way, started to stroke. His breath sped up a little more again, and his eyes were half shut, but he kept his gaze.

His hips started to rock with the movement of our hands. I pushed my head a little forward to kiss him tenderly. He responded, giving me soft little kisses on my mouth, my cheeks, and my nose. When I slid my tongue out and licked his lips, I felt the grip of his hand above mine tighten. He pulled his mouth away from mine and tilted his head back, panting heavier. His eyes still wouldn't let go of mine.

I couldn't name it, but there was something in his face that suddenly made me feel sad. I could tell he was still holding back for some reason, still fighting it, as if he was afraid. It almost broke my heart to see it.

"Close your eyes, baby. It's ok..." I whispered.

He blinked a few times, then he squinted his eyes shut and bent his head forward.

I laid my cheek against his forehead. "Now just let go..."

I felt him loosen his grip on my hand, finally giving up control. He sobbed and buried his face in my shoulder. A second later he began to shudder, and with a long, suppressed groan, he spilled himself beside me.

I brought my hand up to his face and softly stroked his hair, now damp with sweat. And I murmured sweet little nothings to him, while his breath slowed down.

I knew he would be unconscious in a minute, and this was not the time to demand to know what his problem was. I didn't even consider taking care of the wet spot on the sheet, since it would mean to make Kiddo get up, and that wasn't an option any more.

I slowly pulled my arm from beneath his head, kissed his forehead and whispered, "Don't go anywhere, ok?"

Getting up on my knees, I bent over him and reached down to pick the towel off the floor. I moved back to his now limp body and gingerly wiped his belly dry. Then I reached behind me, grabbed the blanket und covered us both with it. When I slid my hand back underneath his neck to hold him close to me, he slung his arm around my waist and snuggled into me.

I cried a little, as I held him. I didn't feel bad to cry, so I didn't bother to wonder why.

"Sweet dreams, love," I mumbled into his hair, knowing he was already far away.


	12. Just one more day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you stop before it's too late?  
> You choose and you lose if you hesitate.  
> How do you stop before it's too late?  
> How do you stop? You're lost if you hesitate.  
> How do you stop love from slipping away?
> 
> "How Do You Stop"  
> Joni Mitchell (Hartman/Midnight)

 

Sleep didn't come easy to me that night. Holding Kiddo close to me, I nourished a wonderful feeling that glowed deep inside me and at the same time, enveloped me like a warm blanket. It was possibly the closest thing to love I'd felt in years, and it scared me shitless. I didn't, however, want it to end; so I refused to waste these precious moments on sleep.

Every now and then, the adorable creature lying next to me would quietly moan, or mumble something incoherent; he was sleeping fitfully. Each time he stirred, I caressed his face and placed soft kisses on his forehead, or I took his hand in mine and kissed his knuckles, whispering soothingly to him, until he would sigh and relax in my arms. It worked every single time, and being able to do this for him made me so ridiculously happy that I felt a big, fat lump in my throat.

_Portman, you've got it bad!_

Finally, the exhausting ups and downs of this longest-Monday-ever caught up with me, and I slowly dozed off in the comforting warmth of our embrace. The last thought that crossed my mind was that Kiddo was actually the first man I had ever allowed to stay overnight, and how strange it was that neither of us had acted or reacted in any predictable way ever since we'd met... then I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

x-x-x-x-x

The first thing I noticed when I woke up – I had turned away from Kiddo in my sleep, and he was spooning perfectly against me, head to toe. The second – his arm lay around me and his hand cupped one of my boobs as if it belonged there. And third, by telegram from my butt – he was sporting a pretty impressive morning wood.

Well, I liked all three. I even liked the tingling spot in my nape where my hair had become damp because of Kiddo's warm breath against my skin. I realized that, in my 42 years, I had never woken up like this and I was surprised how much I relished the delicate intimacy of this moment.

Annoyingly underwhelmed by all this, my bladder most vehemently commanded attention. The alarm clock on the nightstand informed me it was 8:42 am.

_Time for a human minute._

As gingerly as possible, I detached Kiddo's hand off my breast and slowly slipped out from underneath his arm. He groaned a little, but I managed to roll over and put his hand back on the mattress without waking him up. As soon as I sat up, the magic was gone. Without his body wrapped around mine, I immediately felt cold. And uncomfortably sobered.

_What the hell are you doing here, Portman?_

I looked down on his sleeping face... his flawless features were peacefully relaxed, the dark shadows under his eyes had almost entirely disappeared. Only the blond curls were unrulier than ever; three single streaks on his forehead had teamed-up to do 'The Wave' each time he exhaled through his pouted lips. And I noticed a small wet spot on the pillow, where he seemed to have drooled a wee bit.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a trace of the man who had made love to me a few hours ago. All I could see was a sleeping child.

_Even though, with a closer look, this child clearly could use a shave._

What had I been thinking, going into rapture about him like that? This was no longer just the little naughty adventure I'd pictured to myself in the beginning. This was different. Because  _he_  was different.

_Wrong, wrong, wrong – this is so wrong, Portman, you oil can!_

Kiddo wasn't the happy-go-lucky cool kind of guy who would just take this as an opportunity to boast about later with his buddies. He was a brooding, sensitive boy. He obviously had some serious problems I hadn't figured out yet. And whatever he thought was going on, he was clearly on the wrong track already... about me, about us. The things he had written in his notebook...

_(diary!)_

...and, oh God, the things he had said, lying next to me, naked, in my bed! What if he confused this with being in love? How should I ever straighten this out then? How should I send him away without breaking his heart? ...or my own?

_Wait –_

_my..._

_what?_

My throat tightened. Suddenly, I felt somewhat nauseated. Something was conglomerating in my chest and my heart did its utmost to explode. I grabbed my bathrobe and blindly rushed out of the bedroom and to the balcony door. I tore it open, threw the bathrobe around my shoulders and clung to the railing, desperately gasping for air.

_I can't..._

Small white puffs broke away from my lips and fell apart in the cold morning air, assuring me I was doubtlessly breathing. But the oxygen wouldn't reach my lungs. The lump in my chest was burning now, choking me. Wafts of black were threateningly narrowing my field of vision and all of a sudden I...

…  _am a child again, curled into a ball in the attic of my parents' home, sobbing and shaking and clinging to the warm bundle on my lap. I found the abandoned mongrel puppy three days ago. I named him Boomer. I kept him hidden in the attic, I fed him, cradled him, caressed him... I let him take my ten-year-old heart away, unconditionally.  
Today Daddy found him and said the words that made my world collapse: 'We can't keep the dog, Annabelle, you must give it away!'  
I'm shattered, suffocating with a fire inside of my chest. Boomer is licking my shaking hands; his fur is drenched with my tears. I love him so much. And I am sobbing, like a broken record:  
'I can't... I can't... I can't...'_

"...I can't..." I wheezed. My knuckles were white with my death grip on the balcony railing.

"Annie... Annie!"

Out of nowhere, Kiddo's face drifted into the pinpoint center of what was left of my view of the world, and I could feel his hands on my cheeks. His lips were moving. Was he talking to me? What did he say?

"Look at me, Annie, ok? No, no, no... look  _here_! Do exactly what I do..."

His index finger tapped his own mouth, and I stared on it, uncomprehending. It looked like he was blowing on a spoonful of hot soup in order to cool it down. Mechanically, I imitated him.

"Yes, like that... keep it that way. And now breathe, in and out... pursed lips breathing!"

_But... I can't..._

"It's all good, Annie, all good... no, no – don't look away, stay with me. Focus! Ok... do not open your mouth, ok?"

_Not open my...? Fuck, but I'm suffocating!_

"...I can't... I can't breathe..."

He was rubbing my back now, soothingly. "No, you're doing great, just keep on breathing like that. It'll be over in a minute – can you feel it?"

I could. It actually worked... finally; I felt some oxygen rush through my system.

"You just had an anxiety attack, Annie. What was it, a bad dream? Better now?"

Still dizzy, I just nodded. Yes. And yes.

"Ok." He stopped rubbing my back, crossed his arms in front of him and started rubbing his own biceps instead. His shoulders went up to his ears, and he smiled wryly. "Do you think we can go back inside then? It's a little... uncomfortable outside here."

Now that the black wafts were disappearing, I noticed Kiddo stood here with me in the morning chill, wearing nothing but a towel and goosebumps. So gorgeous.

_I can't give him away..._

"I should fetch you your clothes," I answered absentmindedly.

_...not yet anyway..._

"Ok. Come here." Caringly, he reached out for the collar of my bathrobe, helped me to slip my arms into the sleeves, and wrapped it tightly around my neck and shoulders. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Since when did I weep so easily?

_...maybe just one more day, and then..._

We went inside and I closed the door behind us. He followed me silently to the bathroom where I took his clothes out of the dryer and handed them to him.

_One more day. I can sort this out tonight._

I was almost myself again. "Shit, I don't know why I just snapped like that. Thanks for... helping me, Edward."

He gave me a little smile. "No big deal, Annie. I used to have anxiety attacks all the time. They just happen. What was your dream about anyway?"

"Um, I don't know. Something from my childhood days," I said, conspicuously rummaging the bathroom cabinet more than necessary for fresh towels.

"Oh good." He exhaled audibly. "I was afraid for a second, it was about me."

_Fuck!_

Carefully avoiding eye contact, I handed him a towel. I busied myself with yet more redundant rummaging and asked, "Would you perhaps like to shave?"

"Yes, if you... wait – why do you have shaving gear?" he asked bluntly, suspiciously eyeing the shaver and foam I was offering him. He was clearly unpleased for some reason. But whatever it was, it thankfully distracted him from the bad-dream issue.

"What do you mean, 'Why do I have shaving gear'?" I didn't get his question.

He cleared his throat. "I mean, whose is it?"

_Get this! Jealous, are we?_

I ripped the cellophane off the disposable shaver and held it out to him. He tilted his head to read the label, and I watched him mouth, 'La-dy-sha-ver'.

"Oh," he muttered, "it's yours."

"It's not Carlisle's, anyway." I chuckled over his puzzled expression. "I was rather positive you had enough chances to notice that I am hairless in places where women naturally are not."

He blushed. "Yes, I... sure. Ok, thanks then. But I'll go without shaving, I think."

We looked at each other for a few moments, a little awkwardly. Then he asked, "I didn't get it right, huh?"

I noticed the launch of: Frown, Level One. What was he talking about?

"Last night," he elaborated, 'when I... was it very bad?"

_Wow! The was-it-as-good-for-you-as-it-was-for-me question? Really?_

"You were wonderful, Edward," I assured him quickly, meaning it.

But it didn't seem to please him. Along with the ignition of: Frown, Level Two, he took a deep breath, narrowed his green eyes at me, and said pointedly, "But I didn't fuck you senseless, did I?"

_Holy shit... what?_

I gasped involuntarily – where did that come from? Had he really taken my wanton jabbering literally? And what the hell did he want to hear? God … men were always so sensitive with this shit, and obviously, he wasn't an exception. One false word and you needed a week, minimum, to give new heart to their sore manlihood.

I was still agonizing over a believable reply that wouldn't damage his delicate juvenile confidence, when I saw one corner of his mouth twitch and curl up. His shoulders were subtly shaking with suppressed laughter.

_No way! That cheeky little fucker!_

Would he ever do or say anything I expected?

"I hate to say this," I giggled, "but no – you didn't fuck me senseless. Not really."

And then we both burst into laughter and cackled helplessly for several minutes, holding our stomachs and wiping our eyes. It was wonderful to see him like that... blithe, hilarious, and childishly proud because he had successfully taken me for a ride. It was a first. And I loved it _._

When we finally calmed down, he said, still grinning, "There's a proverb saying that laughing together makes people fall in love with each other, did you know that?"

"No, I haven't heard that one before," I answered warily.

He looked down on his feet for a moment, and I watched the grin disappear. Without raising his head fully, he shyly looked up at me from under his long lashes, his forehead crumpling in the cutest James Dean fashion.

"Annie, can I... may I kiss you?"

_Fuck, yes!_

"Fuck, no!" I squealed.

The fact that we hadn't really kissed yet was my only emergency exit. In some screwy way I thought that a kiss – a  _real_ kiss – would seal something I wasn't prepared for, like there would be no going back afterwards. Part of me knew this was stupid, but I tried to convince myself that no real damage was done as long as we didn't share the intimacy of a real kiss. And Kiddo...

_Oh... please don't look at me that way!_

"I need to brush my teeth," I hastily explained, "and I need to wash. I want a decent breakfast. And most of all, I'm bursting for a pee!"

Kiddo ruffled his own hair with both hands and smiled at me.

"That was probably the best rebuff I've ever got," he replied. "But to be honest, I need that too. All of it." And then he winked at me.

_He winked? Who are you and what have you done to brooding Edward?_

Apparently, nothing could do any harm to his good mood this morning. Still smirking, he adjusted the towel around his hips (probably not knowing what watching him do that did to me), moved for the door and said, "Ladies first, ok?"

x-x-x-x-x

"I haven't thanked you yet for allowing me to stay," Kiddo said as he dropped himself on a chair for breakfast. "So... thank you, Annie."

"You're welcome." I motioned around the table. "Just help yourself... um, you're not on a special diet, are you?"

"No," he answered, "I can eat everything I want, don't worry. Thanks."

He opted for cereal with milk and sugar. A lot of sugar, I noticed a little worried. Weren't diabetics supposed to avoid sugar? It was fun though, to watch him eat; he held the spoon in his fist like a little boy and literally shovelled the cereal in his mouth as if there was no tomorrow.

I smiled to myself, wondering how he could go from child to man to teenage boy and all the way back again in less than an hour. He had been so mature and confident when I had panicked on the balcony; almost like I was the younger one of us. And now he was round-cheeked munching away like a ten-year-old.

I was so absorbed puzzling over him that I winced when he suddenly spoke. "Just ask!" he said between chewing. He was looking at me expectantly.

"Ask what?" Having underestimated his wits a few times too often already, I was immediately on guard.

"Whatever you want." He swallowed the last bite and shoved the bowl aside. "I can see you have a lot of questions on your mind."

_...why are you here are you falling in love with me how did you knock out James why wouldn't you want to come inside me where did your talking problems go does my age bother you what were you afraid of when we fucked why are you so different today do you think I'm attractive what are the things in your diary about do you have a girlfriend..._

It was only then I became aware of the constant stream of questions running in circles in the back of my mind, and I blushed. "Really? How would you be able to  _see_  that?"

Now it was his turn to blush. "That's not hard to guess."

_Where have I heard that line before?_

There was no use in denying it. "You are right; there are actually a few things I'd like to know. We haven't done much talking yet anyway, and I think we really  _should_  talk."

"I agree. So, just ask." He leaned forward a little, watching me eagerly.

I had no idea where to start; the questions in my head were spinning like the Wheel of Fortune. I forced it to a random halt and blurted one out without editing, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

_Great pick, Portman. Perhaps you should buy a vowel..._

Kiddo leaned back in his chair and exhaled through pursed lips before he answered, "That's a very tough question, because I honestly don't know."

"Why is that? Too many choices?" I laughed nervously.

"No, there's only one actually. But I don't know whether she wants me too. I know she kinda likes me, but I'm not sure, so..." He shrugged.

"Oh."

So he was in love with a girl. That was a good thing, right? It would make everything so much easier. I was relieved, almost excited.

"Does she even know you like her? Maybe you should just go and talk to her?" I encouraged him.

He cast down his eyes and smiled. "Yes, I think she knows," he said. "We even had sex already... it was beautiful.  _She_  was beautiful."

_Uh... too much information!_

I tried to ignore the silly twinge of jealousy and cleared my throat. "So what's the problem? If you want her to be your girlfriend, you should just ask her. Maybe she's waiting for you to ask?"

He looked up at me doubtingly. "Do you think so?"

"Absolutely!" I answered firmly. "The sooner, the better. Do you have her number?"

"Why... you mean I should ask her  _now_?" His green eyes widened.

_Yes, now! Grab the girl, go to her... and spare me the need to send you away!_

"Yes, why not?" I confirmed, forcing a smile on my face. "There's nothing to lose, right?"

"Ok," he said, still reluctantly. "I'll do it."

"Good." I nodded. That had been easy... too easy. My heart began to bleed but I tried to hide the pain. I tore my eyes away from his face and poured myself another cup of coffee.

"Annie?"

_You can do this. Milk. Sugar. Stir. Very busy. Eyes on the table._

"Annie."

_Fuck!_

"Yes?"

Annoyed at myself, I noticed a single tear dwelling in the corner of my eye, about to run down my cheek. I couldn't bring myself to wipe it away. I looked up, and our eyes locked. Then he spoke…

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"


	13. Not this time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is your silence that golden?  
> Are you comfortable in it?  
> Is it the key to your freedom  
> Or is it the bars on your prison?  
> Are you gagged by your ribbons?  
> Are you really exclusive or just miserly?  
> You spend every sentence as if it was marked currency.  
> Come and spend some on me.  
> Shut me up and talk to me.
> 
> "Talk To Me"  
> Joni Mitchell

_I'm dead._

I swear, the world stopped turning. If someone had checked for my vital signs right then, they would have pronounced me dead... no breath, no pulse... nothing.

_All that girlfriend-talking was about ME?_

I gaped at the boy in front of me and watched his expression change from anticipation to confusion, from confusion to disappointment, and then from disappointment to something close to panic – before my body remembered how to breathe.

And then that fucking single telltale tear came loose from my lashes and rolled down my cheek. Eventually I found it in me to open my mouth and say... something, "Edward, you..."

"Stop!" he cut me off, almost shouting.

Both his hand flew up to his mouth, covering it. "Don't answer," he mumbled behind them. He squinted his eyes a few times, as if wanting to blink away what they perceived. Then he pressed his palms flat together in front of his lips and shook his head.

"Oh God, that sucked!" he moaned. "Can we delete that?"

I was still in shock, feeling like I was moving through thick fog, and seemingly unable to react in real-time. Before I managed to utter an answer, I saw Kiddo getting frustrated with waiting. He stood up, walked around the table and kneeled down next to me. One of his hands grabbed the backrest of my chair; the other clutched the edge of the table.

"That was a stupid question, sorry," he whispered. And with a faltering smile he added, "I wasn't paying attention, I just followed some really, really bad advice."

_Kiddo kneeling in front of me. Epic cerebral failure._

Our faces were almost at the same height. I stared into the green abyss of his eyes, and my thoughts started to straggle randomly. I noticed absentmindedly that something was wrong with his hair.

… _it smells like... peaches? Oh... he used my shampoo - that's cute. What is he so anxious about again? He is always so tense... pretty long toes – why is he barefoot anyway?... I think I should clear the table now..._

I briefly patted the hand that gripped the table and got up from the chair. Kiddo rose too, and watched incredously as I started to remove the remains of our breakfast.

"Annie, could you please say something?" He paused, waiting for me to speak. "Are you mad at me?"

I turned my back on him and busied myself with sorting things back into the fridge. My ability to speak recovered first but thinking was still difficult. "Why do you always think I'm mad at you?" I asked him, irritably. "I'm not your mother, Edward."

When I turned around again, I saw him still standing on the same spot, and my brain finally decided to follow. I immediately regretted my harsh words and embarrassment washed over me; he looked so insecure.

"You did nothing wrong," I assured him. "It's all me. If I'd known you were talking about me, I would have never..." I trailed off, noticing I was close to tears again.

_Jesus, what's wrong with me?_

"I thought you knew," he said, slowly approaching me. "I thought you  _wanted_  me to ask. I'm such a moron." When the tips of our feet almost touched, he stopped.

I leaned back against the fridge door. There was definitely something going on with walls and doors at my back when Kiddo was around.

"Women of my age just don't become... someone's... ' _Girlfriend',_ " I said firmly, struggling hard to keep my composure. He was already...

_...too close, much too close..._

...flustering me again and I wanted to keep my head on straight this time. I'd be damned if I'd fuck this up more than I had already. "Edward - you are twenty-two!"

I put one hand flat against his chest, in order to push him a little further away... I think. But then I felt his heart pounding under my palm, it was racing, and I let my hand stay there.

"I know that," he answered. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me... how much you intimidate me, because you are just so out of my league? I mean, look at me..."

He held one hand up between us, fingers spread. It was shaking.

"I'm having the jitters right now!" he snorted, and clenched his hand into a fist to steady it. "But Annie,  _you_  came to me. I didn't have much of a choice in this. And you even took me home with you – I still can't believe how easy it was. And then you said you wanted me."

He was getting pretty worked-up while he spoke; his breath quickened – and so did mine.

Just to see him ruffled like this because of me undid all my resolutions. My hand traveled down from his chest to his stomach against my will. His heartbeat seemed to pulsate through his entire body; I could feel it everywhere. His gaze followed my hand and he shivered under my touch.

"And you meant it. I know you did," he rasped, clenching and unclenching the fist he was still holding up. My own wayward hand had reached the waistband of Kiddos's jeans, and I hooked my fingers into it.

"Yes, I did," I whispered.

He exhaled sharply and leaned forward, pressing both hands flat against the metal surface behind me. He spoke hastily, barely pausing between sentences, "Yes, you did. Hell knows I didn't deserve it, but you wanted me. After I screwed up with your neighbor... lover... whatever, you still wanted me. After I pulled you down with me in your hallway like a drooling zombie, you still wanted me."

His breath became even more labored as I started to slowly swirl my thumb along the trail of hair below his belly button.

He kept looking down on it while he continued, "And don't tell me this is just about sex, because Annie – even after I proved to be the world's lousiest lover –" He shook his head, laughing mirthlessly, "I thought I was in the know just because I've had my hands in the panties of one or two cheerleaders, but in fact... God, I really don't know anything about how to handle a real... a perfect woman like you. But even then you showed me in such a wonderful way that you still wanted me!"

He finally paused, and swallowed audibly. "Annie?"

I closed my eyes, recalling the sensation of his sleeping body against me, his warm embrace and how I had fought my somnolence because I didn't want to miss a single second of it.

"I wanted you even more then," I admitted.

"Then why do I suddenly feel that you keep on thinking about a way to kick my ass out of here?"

I felt his hands on my collarbones, trembling, and light as feathers; his fingertips were ghosting along my neck. I gripped his waistband tighter and pulled a little, eliciting a brief moan from him.

"What happened... Annie?" I heard him ask, his voice breaking as he said my name. "When did it stop?"

_It didn't stop!_

"It didn't stop."

_Did I just... say it? Out loud?_

Kiddo's head fell forward into the hollow of my neck, and he exhaled a long "Fuuuuuck..."

And suddenly his arms were around me, pressing my body against his so tightly that the air left my lungs with a gasp. My feet lost ground for a second and I only stood on my tiptoes.

He started to place soft kisses on my shoulder and my neck, whispering breathlessly, "... it didn't...?  _(kiss)_...you still...? _(kiss)_ …God, you can't...  _(kiss)_ … I just found you...  _(kiss)_  ... Annie..."

I could only make out broken bits of what he was saying, but his lips on my skin made my legs turn to jelly and I felt the familiar heat building between my thighs. My right hand was sandwiched between us, useless for now, but my left slid into his hair, telling him not to stop, and I tilted my head back to grant him better access.

He responded with the sexiest groan I'd ever heard, followed by a few more, this time open-mouthed kisses along my jaw, up to my ear.

"All I want is to love you, Annie," he breathed against my earlobe, and my juices began to flow as if he had pushed a button.

_God, yes...!_

He continued whispering into my ear, "You don't need to love me back now."

While still holding me tightly at the small of my back, his right hand wandered to my hip and down my thigh until he found the hem of my dress and slipped underneath.

"Please..." His lips brushed my temple, "can't you just let me love you?"

_Love me... how? What...? Make love to me?_

It was hard to think coherently.

"Will you, Annie? Can I love you?"

His breath on my skin and his hoarse pleading did it for me. I wanted him so much it hurt. I wanted to feel him, I wanted him to be all over me and inside me, and I wanted to be his fucking girlfriend!

"Fuck, yes!" I whimpered, while his fingers stroked my thigh, moving upwards.

He sighed, "Yes..."

And then suddenly his hand paused at the laced rim of my stay-ups, and he moaned, "God... I need to see that..."

When I felt his fingers slide down to the hollow of my knee, I understood immediately what he was about to do. With a little effort, I quickly squirmed my still-captured hand free from between us and slung my arms around his neck. Like in a well-rehearsed choreography, we moved at once; his hands went under my ass as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He lifted me up, turned us around and gently set me down on top of the kitchen counter.

I let go of him to support myself on the marble countertop with my arms behind me, and he leaned back a little bit; resting his hands lightly on my thighs above the thin fabric of my dress. His eyes found mine, asking for permission. His face looked so beautiful. I bit my lower lip and nodded.

In a distant corner of my mind I realized I had been fooling myself when I had ignored my usual jeans-and-tee leisure kit this morning. Dressing in black silk lingerie and stay-ups underneath my best Furstenberg wrap dress instead, yet meaning to send Kiddo away? Sure!

Kiddo slowly pushed the fabric up my thighs, caressing me with his thumbs on the way, until the tails of my dress opened and fell down on either side of me. He paused for a moment and exhaled through puckered lips, taking in the sight of me, before his fingers started to graze the now exposed skin above my stockings.

"You are drop-dead gorgeous," he muttered under his ragged breaths, probably not even aware of the timid smile that lit up his face. He looked up and his eyes scanned my face: they traveled from my mouth up to my eyes and around my head in quick movements. "So gorgeous..." he repeated.

The knowledge that this adorable young man in front of me liked what he saw, and seeing his unconcealed desire for me only added to my arousal. With something close to a growl, I hooked my fingers into his waistband again and pulled him towards me. "Off!" I hissed, tearing at his shirt.

Without hesitation, he raised his arms, I pulled, and a second later his black tee was on the floor in a pile. While I started to unbutton his jeans, his fingers found my swollen nub and stroked it through the damp silk of my panties; the sensation was so intense that I gasped loudly.

_How the fuck do you do that, Kiddo?_

I was glad that there was neither a belt nor any more buttons this time. I leaned forward and rubbed my nose against his stubbled jaw, inhaling his scent, as I pulled down the zipper. He helped me to shove his jeans and boxers down with one hand. His erection sprang free, and I grabbed it at once, squeezing a little.

"Oh..." he moaned and tilted his head to look down on himself.

"You like to watch, do you?" I panted against his open mouth, administering one first slow stroke.

"Yes, I do," he panted back.

His thumb slid underneath my panties and briefly dipped into my wet entrance; then he started rubbing my clit in slow, juicy circles. I whimpered with pleasure and rocked my hips against his hand. I more felt than saw his mouth curl up to a - probably crooked – smile. Was he by any chance getting a little cocky?

_That's kinda sexy, Kiddo, but..._

Leaning back, I let go of his dick and lifted my hand to my mouth – very slowly, to make sure he was watching every move – and paused for a moment. When I was absolutely positive I had his full attention, I locked eyes with him, slid out my tongue and licked across the inside of my hand, from the palm to the fingertips. With satisfaction I saw his eyes widen. Then I reached down again, determined to switch that nonchalant grin off.

As soon as I started to circle my slick palm around his tip, Kiddo's eyes rolled back in his head; a long groan rumbled through him, and I chuckled darkly.

_Score!_

Kiddo gave me exactly five seconds to relish my triumph. Then he grasped my nape, pulled me towards him and hungrily pressed his mouth on mine. At the same time he slid two fingers inside me and increased the pressure of his thumb on my clit.

_Oh... fuck!_

I cried out at the sensation of it, and next thing I knew was Kiddo's tongue on mine, swirling, licking, playing, exploring my mouth; there was a noticeable touch of aggression to it. It sent an extended family of butterflies right into the center of the hot furnace that used to be my stomach, and I kissed him back for all it was worth.

I grabbed his length harder and stroked from base to head – a little too fiercely maybe, but he didn't complain. He curled his fingers upward and continued to pump in and out of me, and I almost lost it right then.

Neither of us was teasing anymore. Neither of us would break the kiss. And for a while, the only way left to communicate our mutual desires for each other were sustained, muffled moans.

His thumb never ceased to work on the most sensitive spot of my girly bits, driving me closer and closer to the edge, and suddenly it became too much. I brought my hand up from behind me, grasped a fistful of his hair and roughly pulled his head back from mine.

"God... Kiddo!" I cried, and he hissed – whether from the pain on his scalp or because of the name I'd called him, I couldn't tell. But he froze and looked at me in surprise, his chest heaving.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly, stroking my cheek. I melted away yet a little more.

_God... he is so sweet!_

"Not at all," I answered breathlessly, rocking my hips against his hand. "But if you go on like that, I swear, I'm going to come in a few seconds."

His eyes lit up with enthusiasm. "Really?"

He looked down again at his hand with such a cute expression of almost scientific intentness, that I bit back a giggle. I brought my mouth to his ear and purred, "Really."

He gently slid out of me and hooked one finger under the strap of my panties, pulling tentatively. "Then... why don't you?"

I tenderly bit his earlobe before I answered, "Because I want you to take these off and fuck me; because I want to come with you inside me."

I rejoiced at the guttural groan my disclosure elicited from him. Supporting myself on both arms, I lifted my hips. Kiddo held onto the straps of my panties and, backing off, swiftly pulled them down my legs. I heard a shuffling sound when he used his bare feet to get rid of his jeans and boxers. He stepped out of them and grabbed my waist.

I slung my arms around his neck and once again relished the feel of his mouth and his tongue. I couldn't get enough of that... his smell, his taste and the way he was breathing heavily through his nose when our lips were locked. A real kiss... like we were a real couple.

He pulled his mouth from mine. "I want you so badly, Annie," he said, out of breath, and his hands went down to cup my bum. "But this..." he suddenly snickered, "...honestly – this fucking counter is too high!"

_Are you kidding me?_

I buried my face in his shoulder and snorted with laughter. "No, it isn't," I chuckled. "It's rather your legs are too short."

We cackled hysterically, as he lifted me off the counter.. Holding me tight to his chest, he turned around, scanning the room. "Where, Annie?" he giggled.

I raised my head from his shoulder, and saw him frowning at the big, black, weird-noises-producing leather couch. Then our eyes met again. "No way!" we snorted in unison.

"Bed!" I wheezed, "Bedroom!" But Kiddo was already moving. Within seconds we fell onto the mattress, bouncing off a little, and then he was all over me with his hands and his mouth, as if he wanted to eat me up. In next to no time our giggles stopped and were replaced again by pants and moans.

"...dress..." I gasped between his kisses, "...off first... fucking expensive..."

Kiddo got onto his knees und impatiently tugged at the ribbons. I arched my back, and he tore my dress away from under me. With that, our last remains of restraint were used up, neither of us bothered to take care of the fabric left – the bra was allowed to stay. As were the stockings.

Before I could lower myself back down again, Kiddo's arm was around my waist. He heaved me onto his lap so that I straddled him and positioned me on his cock with one unerring move. We cried out in unison as I pushed down and buried him deep inside me.

He held on tight to my hips to steady me. Maybe he needed time to adjust to the feeling, but I sure as hell didn't. He filled me perfectly and I just couldn't consider any of his restraint problems right now. I locked my gaze with his and panted, "No – not this time!"

Then I grabbed his knees behind me for leverage and slowly started to ride him.

I tried to keep a gentle rhythm first, afraid to get him off too soon. But he felt so fucking good, the angle was perfect and his hard cock hit all the right spots inside of me. Soon my movements became more frantic.

Kiddo didn't loosen his grip, but his hips came up to meet me. I felt him supporting me with his hands, lifting me up and pulling me down on him. And each time he did, he thrust into me harder and deeper.

I wondered briefly how he suddenly could hold back so well, because I already felt my walls tighten around him. Kiddo looked at my face from under half-closed lids, his head slightly tilted back and his mouth open and he seemed very focused. But I couldn't contain myself any longer...

"Oh God..." I moaned, "...I'm coming, baby, don't stop... oh, fuck..."

"Yeah?" he sighed, his voice velvety.

Before my eyes rolled back in my head, I saw the most gorgeous smile brighten his face. A brief euphoric laugh mixed with his ecstatic breathing – the sound of it incredibly erotic. And then I exploded around him with the most intense orgasm I'd ever had in my life. My own cries erased any other noises as hot waves of pleasure pulsated through my entire body again and again.

x-x-x-x-x

When I came back to my senses I was lying flat on my back with Kiddo's heated body half over me. He supported his weight on one elbow, breathing hot kisses into my cleavage and muttering something unintelligible. His hand was between my thighs, lazily stroking my wet folds.

I had no idea how and when we had changed positions. But I realized he had done it again; he had withdrawn himself during my climax!

_I'll be damned! What...?_

I took his face in my hands to lift it up to me and whispered, "Kiddo?"

"Mmm?" He looked up, not even wincing at the use of my secret name for him. His eyes were still a little glazed, the green darker than usual, and his gently curved lips slightly swollen from our kissing. The blond streaks of his hair pointed into every possible direction; I raked my fingers through them and smiled.

_Oh my God, this is the most sexy freshly-fucked-face ever!_

A sudden realization hit me, and I decided to give him the good news first.

"Congratulations!" I said.

His hand between my legs stilled and he raised his brows in a silent question.

"You just gave me my first pure vaginal orgasm," I explained. "Thank you."

"What does that mean?" He was confused, but apparently got the hazy notion that my declaration meant something good – a cute lopsided smile was trying to steal its way onto his face.

"That means you are the first man who made me come without additionally stimulating me with his hands."

Kiddo rolled to his side, and I did the same to face him. His hand swept up to my waist and rested there. Judging from his expression, my explanation had only added to his confusion.

"You mean you usually don't have orgasms just the... normal way?" he asked, unbelieving.

I snickered, and shook my head, "The  _normal_  way? Jesus... what is that supposed to mean? No, it's actually not quite that easy... not in my case, anyway."

"Oh, I thought... well, I didn't know that," he said, intrigued.

"Well, now you know. A lot of women need a little more attention than just penetration to be able to finish. As much as I enjoy the  _normal_  way, as you put it – without any, um...  _extras_ , it used to be a little unsatisfactory for me."

"But not this time," he stated, and the smile finally prevailed.

"No – not this time," I confirmed, smiling back at him. "It was amazing, Edward."

He bent forward and kissed me tenderly. "Well, then... congratulations to you, too," he whispered. "Would you mind telling me how exactly I did that? Just because that would be a quite valuable piece of information, you know?"

"Edward," I laughed, "I truly have no idea."

"Too bad..." he sighed, still smiling happily.

"Maybe it doesn't really depend on  _how_  it is done, but rather on  _who_  does it?" I mused.

His eyes softened, and he kissed me once again, "I like that thought. A lot." He was stroking my side. "Can I hold you a little, Annie?"

Instead of an answer, I snuggled against his chest. Kiddo wrapped me in his solid arms, buried his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply. Something hard was twitching against my belly, reminding me of a certain issue.

"Edward, I want you to know that I'm wearing a loop, so you don't need to worry about contraception, ok?"

"Ok," he answered after a few seconds. "I didn't even worry about that, actually... how stupid! But thanks for telling me."

_He didn't worry about that?_

"What I'm trying to say is: it is safe, Edward. I've been tested, too - if that's the problem. I'm negative."

He pulled his head back to look at me. "Why are you telling me all of this?" he asked, sounding alarmed. "Just in case you're wondering, I'm having regular health tests because of my work at the retirement home. I'm clean. I would never-"

"Edward," I interrupted him, reaching down to lay my hand on his now semi-hard dick which instantly came to new life under my touch. " _That's_  why I'm telling you these things. You could have come with me... inside me – but just like last night you withdrew instead, and I don't get it. If it is not about pregnancy or HIVor whatever... "

He exhaled loudly, "It's complicated."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. Instead he pulled my hand from his cock.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I felt surprisingly mortified by his wordless refusal of my touch. But then the same odd expression that had made me so sad the night before, suddenly veiled his eyes. It lasted for no longer than a second before it was gone again. But in that brief moment, I had seen it clearly.

_Fear! What in the name of God can he be afraid of?_

"Are you... scared?" I asked bluntly.

Interlacing our fingers, he kissed the back of my hand and nodded. "Scared to death, to be honest," he whispered with a wry smile. "It's not your fault, Annie; please don't even think about it. It's just me; I'm such a freak..."

"But what are you scared of?" I asked, entirely confused now.

Once again he pressed my hand against his lips and squeezed it tightly. He closed his eyes and mumbled something against my skin. I wasn't sure, but it sounded like 'drowning'.

Before I could push him any more, he opened his eyes again and softly spoke, "Annie - would you believe me if I said that right now I'm having the most wonderful moment of my life? I know that you just want me to feel good and this adds to my bliss even more. I promise I will try to explain everything to you soon, but..." he faltered.

"...not this time?" I offered, smiling at him to let him know that I believed him.

"Yes." He smiled back, thankfully. "Not this time."


	14. Q & A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're my thrill  
> You do something to me  
> You send chills right through me  
> When I look at you  
> 'Cause you're my thrill  
> How my pulse increases  
> I just go to pieces  
> Every time I look at you  
> I can't keep still
> 
> "You're my Thrill"  
> Joni Mitchel (Clare/Gorney)

Oh, those lips...

Every tender kiss he gave me felt like a first. I was channeling my inner teenage girl - heartbeat and butterflies and all - while we lay there, holding hands and kissing like school kids, making out. Except for the fact that I couldn't remember it had ever felt this good when I was a school girl. I could have kissed those lips all day long, to make the little beasts inside my tummy flutter and whirl again and again.

We were celebrating Kiddo's 'moment'. I swallowed all of my questions and concerns to let him have this moment, and at one point I eventually forgot about them... I think it was when his tongue licked my lower lip, asking for entrance. I opened my mouth for him, moaning as our tongues met, and my entire anatomy responded with another hot rush of desire.

_Ready for round two? God help me... yes!_

I felt Kiddo smile against my lips, and then he snickered, "I'd really like to have these on my iPod, just so you know."

"These what?" I asked, a little dazed. My brain was on standby again.

"These little noises you make," he said. "They're better than music. I'd put them on repeat and listen to them all day."

"Really?" I laughed. "You're crazy."

"Yes, I am. Crazy for you," he said, gently squeezing my hand.

I didn't know what to say. Out of nowhere, the girlfriend-question was knocking at the backdoor of my mind again. The beautiful time capsule that had surrounded us for last few minutes suddenly showed a few fine cracks. I sighed.

Kiddo tilted his head back to look at me, "What's wrong?"

_Shit, he's way too perceptive._

"Um, nothing," I quibbled. "I'm just thirsty. Time to get up-"

"No, don't," he interrupted eagerly, "I'll fetch you something to drink, ok? What do you want? Oh wait, there's only Diet Coke anyway, right? I'll be right back – don't move."

He kissed the back of my hand and let go, rising from the mattress. I smirked when I saw him bashfully cup his genitals with his hands, as he walked around the bed… cute! But to my delight, I was able to take a glance at his small, lean butt, before he was out the door.

_Control room - can I have a replay of that? In slow motion, please?_

I sighed again. Like always when he wasn't close to me, sobriety crept in. I tried to fight it back, not willing to let it ruin our –  _Kiddo's -_ moment. But it was hard. God, how long could it possibly take to go to the fridge and back?

_Come back. Please..._

I sat up and looked down at myself. I still wore my bra and the stockings, and wondered what to do. Put on some panties? Or cover myself up with the blanket? Or take off my bra and stockings and then cover myself with the blanket? Or leave everything as it is? I shook my head, feeling silly...

When he returned he was carrying two Cokes and his backpack. He had also put his boxer briefs back on. I quickly pulled the blanket over my lower regions, suddenly feeling a little too exposed.

Kiddo tossed the backpack onto the bed, opened one can of Coke and handed it to me. Then he sat down and tugged at the blanket, "Why did you do that? Are you cold?"

"No, I was just..." I started absently, staring at the pink and yellow polka dots. I had the strong feeling they were somehow contaminating my neat white bedsheets. "Why did you bring…  _this_? Do you need an injection now or something?"

He acted puzzled. "No, I just had an idea, but now that you're asking..."

_Fuck! I promised Law to keep an eye on it!_

"You didn't check your blood sugar after breakfast!" I yelped, "And you had cereal... and sugar!"

"Calm down, Annie, I'll do it right now, ok?" He grabbed the backpack and moved for the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" I demanded, scandalized.

He stopped and turned around. "Um... the bathroom?"

"No fucking way, Edward! You come back here and let me see what's with your numbers and shit. Come on." I beckoned him over and patted the mattress next to me.

Smirking, but with a mocked sigh he returned and muttered, "Yes, Mom."

"Very funny!" I snarled, warily watching him prepare the glucose meter. "You... you're going to stick yourself now, right? You need some blood to..."

His laughter interrupted me. "Hell, I tried to be discrete, Annie, but you wouldn't let me. Now relax! I know you don't get sick when you see blood, you had no problems with your... neighbor, when I..." he trailed off, suddenly serious again. He didn't look at me while he squeezed the finger he had just pierced with a fine lancet. A small drop of blood appeared, he tipped the sensor, and the meter began to count backwards from 15 to zero.

"Is he really just your neighbor?" I heard him ask while I watched the numbers change on the display.

"He is a friend too. Well, he used to be." I answered; then the meter stopped. "Christ, 296? Oh shit, that is high, right? What is the normal value?"

Kiddo giggled. "No need to panic, really. I just ate, so it's high. That's ok."

"Oh, sure as hell it's not ok!" I blustered, noticing irritated, that I sounded like Chief Swan already. "I should have -"

Kiddo leaned over and shut me up with a kiss. "No, you shouldn't," he murmured against my lips. "It's going to be down in a few minutes, and that's it."

I gasped and found myself at a loss for words. Kiddo opened his insulin pen and adjusted the dose.

"And I really don't want to talk about my blood sugar now, ok? It's boring, and it's not the reason I brought my backpack."

"So why did you bring it, if not for sparing me the discomfort of watching you go into a coma? Enlighten me, please!" I bitched.

Kiddo pinched some skin of his belly between his thumb and index finger and positioned his insulin pen; I winced as the fine needle sank into his flesh. He looked up and said, "I'll answer if you tell me why you covered yourself."

"I asked first!"

He pulled the needle out and sighed, "We really suck at this."

"What?"

"That's the answer to your question," he said, showing his best lop-sided smile. "We both really suck at talking, we never really get anywhere. So I figured we could use some help. And everything we need is in my backpack."

I still stared at the spot on his belly; a small bruise was building around the fresh puncture. To see that nasty mark on my beautiful boy's otherwise flawless body annoyed the shit out of me. Indignantly, I pointed at the area in question, "Is that normal?"

He bent his head to see what I was talking about, and shrugged, "Oh, this... it happens from time to time. Blunt needle. I guess I should have used a new one."

"Law was right," I accused, "You  _are_  sloppy with this."

"Yeah, whatever… your turn now - why did you cover yourself? And do you want to know what kind of help I have in mind, to get us to answer each other's questions eventually?"

"Yes, I want to know," I snapped, "and I pulled the blanket over me, because I felt uncomfortable. I mean, why are you wearing your undies now, huh?"

He shrugged awkwardly, "Well, I..."

"Exactly." I said. "So what's with your idea?"

"Ok!" He suddenly beamed with enthusiasm. "Listen – I think, we need some rules. Like a game, you know? It goes like this: We both write our questions on small pieces of paper." He rummaged in his backpack and pulled out a small notepad, and a few pens. "Write as many questions as you like, about whatever you want to know. But only one question per note. Because we'll fold all the paper and put them in two envelopes-"

"You have envelopes in that thing, too?" I interrupted. "Where can I buy such an ugly, yet apparantly useful bag for myself?"

With a chuckle, he pulled his red  _(diary!)_  notebook out, ripped two empty pages out of it and began to fold perfect envelopes, like the fucking national Japanese origami champion. He was really deft with his fingers. I blushed.

_You knew how deft he is with his fingers already, Portman..._

"Can you do swans and frogs, too? Or maybe a dancing flamingo?" I teased. It was hard to be mopey around him for long.

He laughed out loud, "I never tried." He handed me one of the envelopes and continued, "Here we get to the fun part of it; these are the rules: we exchange the envelopes, so that you have my questions and I have yours, ok? Each of us can say 'pick a question' at any time. Then the other one takes one question out of the envelope, reads it aloud and answers it. Each of us can say 'elaborate', either if a question isn't clear enough, or if the given answer isn't satisfying. But you can only say 'elaborate' once per question. You can also 'next' a question – but it doesn't mean you won't have to answer it, it just goes back into the envelope and you pick another one. So at some point later, that question will come up again."

He looked at me intensely, apparently waiting for an answer. I shook my head, "Where does this game come from? Did you make it up by yourself?"

"No," he said, "it's one of the very few useful exercises I remember from my very useless therapy sessions. So... what do you say, are you game?"

"What kind of therapy?" I asked curiously.

He frowned. "Is that one of your questions? Then write it down and put it in the envelope."

"And if you pick it you'll  _have_  to answer it, right? Those are the rules?"

"Yes," he confirmed. "I can say 'next' once, but then I'd have to answer it later. Those are the rules."

_This could be interesting..._

"Ok, let's play," I agreed.

"Great!" He eagerly jumped onto the mattress. Then he sat cross-legged in front of me and handed me a notepad and a pen. On the way back, his hand swept along the blanket and pulled it down a little, as if by accident. My right hip and a bit of my butt got uncovered.

I smiled at him and deliberately shifted my leg, so that the blanket slipped off and the rim of my stockings came into his view. He brushed along the skin above the lace with the knuckle of his index finger, and mouthed, "Thank you."

"You are an eye-person," I stated.

"I told you, I like to look at you." His finger followed the lace ribbon. "And these are beautiful. I've only seen stockings like this in ads before. On you, they look extremely... good. I really like that."

Involuntarily, my gaze shifted to his boxer briefs. It was quite evident he  _really_  liked what he saw. "It's undeniable," I smirked.

Kiddo pulled the backpack onto his lap and blushed. "Can we focus now, please?"

I tugged a little at the backpack, laughing, "But I like to look at you too!"

"Jesus Christ, Annie... just write!"

x-x-x-x-x

I stared down on the blank paper for a long time, not knowing where to start. It was weird how the strict rules made me contemplate how to pose my first question. I wanted to know about his ex-girlfriends and about him and girls in general - but how to ask? ' _Tell me everything about your sexual experiences'_  wouldn't even be a question. But that was what I wanted; no way I would waste my chances on simple yes or no questions. And I wanted to get him talking…

I glimpsed at Kiddo who filled one note after the other and folded them neatly. He didn't even need to think about his questions.

_Dammit, Portman, kick off already!_

Kiddo looked up from his writing and smiled at me. "Everything all right?"

I waved him off and bent down over on my own papers again. He snickered.

After a few more minutes - I had filled three notes with grids and helical figures, but had not written a single question - I felt Kiddo's hand on my knee. My head jerked up and I saw he had stopped writing. His makeshift envelope was filled.

"I'm done," he said. "What about you?"

I sighed and crumpled the scribbled papers. "I don't know. Maybe I'd get a better start after I've put some clothes on and get a little more caffeine in my system. We can't stay in bed the whole day anyway."

"Hmm… why not?" Kiddo's hand started to stroll along my leg, making me shiver. "I don't want you to put clothes on."

My instant physical reaction to his touch was almost annoying; it was something I never had experienced with any other man. And I had to admit that sex with him also felt like something completely new. It was addictive, though the poor boy didn't even…

"Ah!" I gasped and quickly wrote down my very first question,  _WHAT DO YOU FEAR WILL HAPPEN IF YOU HAVE AN ORGASM WHILE YOU'RE INSIDE OF ME?_ I looked down on it, very pleased with myself. This required a detailed answer, and I could even say 'elaborate' once. And suddenly I knew how to phrase the girlfriend question, too…  _WHAT WERE YOUR FORMER GIRLFRIENDS LIKE?_ That one would keep him talking – perfect!

_Yeah baby - some kind of frenzy begins, and it's almost impossible to stop!_

The heap of neatly folded papers next to me was growing, and the questions kept coming to my mind. I didn't look up once; I had even forgotten Kiddo was there. That is, until I heard him speak.

"I'm really looking forward to that one."

My head jerked up to see him smile at me. "What… this question? Why?" I asked, and took a sip of my...

… _coffee? He made me coffee! When…?_

"Because you expect me to lie when I answer it," he said matter-of-factly. "Is the coffee ok? Milk and one and a half spoons of sugar, right?"

I stared at the steaming mug I had just grabbed off the nightstand, confused. "Yes, it's good. Thanks." It was perfect, actually - just the way I liked it. Damn, he was really perceptive; it was almost scary. "What makes you think I expect you to lie?"

"I've been watching you while you were writing. It's kinda fascinating. You mouthed every word you wrote," he explained, "but with the last one you didn't. You first frowned and nodded like this…" his face crumpled in illustration, "and then you snorted."

"I did?" I was busted.

"Mm-hmm." He nodded, apparently quite amused. "It was this  _'yeah sure whatever'_  kind of snort, you know? You didn't believe a word of what I'm going to say in your imagination."

_Mind-reading again?_

I looked down on the piece of paper in my hand and asked, "And will you lie to me?"

"Never." His answer came in a heartbeat.

"You don't even know the question," I demurred, still staring at the words I'd written down.

"Annie, look at me please." All playfulness had suddenly left the tone of his voice. I raised my head and was stunned by the sincerity in his eyes, when he continued, "I don't need to know the question. I would never lie to you, no matter what. There might be things I'm not ready to tell you yet. But whatever I tell you, you can be sure it will be nothing but the truth, ok?" He had leaned forward and his eyes pierced into mine under furrowed brows. He was absolutely serious, as if this was a matter of life and death to him.

_Your mood swings are giving me a kind of whiplash, Kiddo…_

"Ok," I said, holding his gaze. "I believe you." He relaxed noticeably, but still seemed to be waiting for something. After a few seconds it dawned on me… "And I won't lie to you either, Edward."

With a long sigh all the tension left his body, and he whispered, "Ok." He bent down and placed a scanty kiss on my knee. "Thank you."

When our eyes met again, I suddenly felt the strong impulse to take him in my arms and tell him that I…

…  _how much I…_

… that I... liked him.

Or something like that. My stomach tingled and it seemed really important to say it. But things were not very convenient right now, with the tiny pieces of paper and the coffee and everything else. I was at a loss of what to do first and when I had eventually put the papers aside and deposed the mug on the nightstand, the moment had passed. Kiddo was still looking at me, and I wondered whether he had felt it too. I tore my eyes off of his face and started to fold the last note, when he laid his hand on mine to stop me.

"Give it to me," he said. "Let's pretend the game has already started and I just pulled this one."

I hesitated, suddenly feeling silly about my question. "You will probably laugh."

"I won't," he said. "Come on, it can't be that bad." He shifted his body to sit beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. His chin came to rest on my shoulder. His embrace felt warm and oddly familiar, and I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, inhaling his scent. "Let's see," he whispered.

I opened my eyes, took a deep breath and unfolded the paper. We both looked down on the words I'd written:  _CAN YOU READ PEOPLES' MINDS?_

Kiddo tensed up again next to me, and suddenly I could feel his heart beat wildly against my side. After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke. He didn't laugh. He didn't go further into it, demanding what I meant or whether I was serious. He simply said:

"Yes."

And what surprised me even more than his crisp answer was that I didn't feel the slightest doubt that it was true. Things like that just didn't exist - but they obviously did in his world.

_This is it, Portman; you've finally lost your goddamned mind…_

I took another deep breath. "Elaborate."


	15. You like Law, don't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You got the touch so gentle and sweet  
> But you've got that look so critical  
> Now I can't talk to you baby, I get so weak  
> Sometimes I think love is just mythical
> 
> Up there's a heaven, down there's a town  
> Blackness everywhere and little lights shine  
> Oh blackness blackness dragging me down  
> Come on light the candle in this poor heart of mine
> 
> "This Flight Tonight"  
> Joni Mitchell

_Elaborate._

One single word and Kiddo's happy moment was over. Or maybe it was over already when he read the fateful question. I had expected him to laugh or make fun of me. I mean, come on… mind-reading?

_Exactly, Portman. This isn't Twilight._

But as I backtracked over our short time together, there had been moments when that idea - however absurd - had actually crossed my mind.

More than once he had known my thoughts even before I had become aware of them myself. And he wasn't easily fooled; it was as if he had a built-in lie detector. Or, like he was reading peoples' auras - if anything like that existed. Until now I had successfully convinced myself that he was just really perceptive. But apparently, there was more to it. And judging from the impact of my question on him, it wasn't anything good.

I waited patiently for him to answer. He hadn't moved yet, his chin still lay on my shoulder. Then suddenly he tilted his head to kiss my neck. I heard him swallow before he whispered, "Next."

"OH, NO!"

I squirmed free from his embrace and turned around to face him, outraged. "That's against the rules. You already accepted this question, and you never said anything about 'nexting' a request to elaborate."

_Yep… hello, frown! I'm not falling for you this time - sorry._

"Come on, Kiddo - you can't stop here!" I insisted. "Or else we can stop this whole game now all together." I felt like if I didn't get to know whatever it was with him  _now_ , I'd most likely go postal within the next 10 seconds.

His frown deepened. "You have called me that a few times before… why?"

"Called you what?"

"Kiddo."

"Don't digress, Edward!"

"I don't - I just want to know."

"Then let's hope it is one of the questions in your envelope," I snapped.

He held his hands up defensively and nodded. "Ok," he said, and again, "Ok…" A long sigh escaped him, and then - silence. I seriously wanted to shake him!

"Edward, I swear, if -"

"You will freak out," he declared, as if it was an indisputable fact.

"Just in case you haven't noticed yet - I'm on the fucking point of freaking out right  _now_!" I squealed at him. "Why can't you just fucking tell me what's the matter with you?" Frustrated, I snatched the paper which had caused all this awkwardness, crumpled it into a ball and threw it at his chest. He winced and made a feeble attempt to catch it, but didn't say anything. I immediately felt silly about my outbreak.

Before I could apologize, he opened his mouth as if he was finally going to answer, but instead he just took in a hasty, whistling breath. And then another. It sounded alarming, like he was close to suffocating. Only when he puckered his lips I realized he was trying to fight back a beginning panic attack.

"Edward, what's wrong? Is this an anxiety attack?"

"No… I… yes…!" His eyes widened. I reached out my hand, and he grabbed it at once. "Just a minute…" he wheezed.

_Fuck!_

I had no idea what to do with myself or what to do at all, other than hold his hand. I knew well that he was able to take care of the situation himself, so I just waited. He kept on breathing in the way he had shown me earlier this morning on the balcony - never taking his eyes off of mine, as if that connection was the anchor for his sanity.

It felt terrible to see him like that, but I wasn't willing to take my question back. I needed him to share the secret. And he needed to go through this now and eventually tell it all.

I was pretty sure the answer was related to the irrational fear he didn't want to talk about. But whatever it was - it seemed to be such a crucial thing. It was my strange boy's ultimate secret, the solution to the enigma he was. And as much as it tortured him, I just couldn't let that go.

My heart screamed at me to release him and tell him he didn't need to answer, but my mind simply overruled it. So I gritted my teeth, bravely stood his haunted gaze and just kept on holding his hand, waiting for him to get by.

There was only one other thing I had to offer…

"Edward - listen to me. I promise, I will Not. Freak. Out. Do you hear me?"

Unchanging, he kept on practicing his pursed lips breathing, but squeezed my hand and blinked, twice. I took it as a yes.

For the next two minutes, which I knew were like an eternity for Kiddo, I watched him silently as he slowly calmed down. Eventually he closed his lips and started breathing through his nose, his chest heaving.

He wasn't done with it though; his entire body was still rigid, and my hand started to hurt from his death grip. I remembered my own scary episode on the balcony, and before I knew what I was saying, I whispered, "Whatever you are going to tell me - I will not send you away, ok?"

He closed his eyes, releasing me from his piercing glance. And to my great relief, the unbearable urge to give in to his silent pleading quickly diminished.

_Thank you, screaming heart, for shutting the fuck up - it was about time!_

Without looking up, Kiddo began to speak. "It's not like I'm hearing peoples' thoughts," he croaked. "No words, you know?"

"Ok." I took his other hand too, soothingly circling my thumbs on the backs of his hands. "Go on, please."

"Have you ever heard of a certain… condition called synesthesia, Annie?"

_Synes… what?_

I rummaged through the drawers in my mind that were labeled 'general education', but didn't score a hit. It didn't sound that bad at all, rather like something pretty, or like some of these modern psychedelics… the shit they constantly try to palm off to you in dance clubs. Fuck! Was he on drugs? All my senses said no, but could I be sure?

He looked up and eyed me nervously. I realized that I hadn't given him an answer yet. "I'm afraid I've never heard of anything like that." I hurried to say, "Explain it to me, please?"

He nodded silently. Apparently, my response was exactly what he had expected.

"It is a kind of neurological disorder where people… when I talk to someone or… it is…." he swallowed, "I see… things."

His eyes were slightly narrowed, and he looked at me as if he was still preparing for the inevitable punch in the midriff and the question was not IF it was going to happen, just WHEN.

"Things?" I asked softly.

He spoke hastily when he continued, "There are acoustic sensations too; they aren't that strong though and harder to read than the patterns. I don't read them all the time, you know, I can control it… I really can!"

He nodded again, whether to convince me or just himself, I couldn't tell. But this particular piece of information seemed to be especially important to him… control! Yes - from all I knew, control was his fucking middle name!

"I mean, I could… I still can," he added, faltering, "but with you, it's different." A brief shiver went through his body. I let go of one of his hands and tenderly touched his cheek. He leaned his head into my palm and exhaled shatteringly. "It's different," he whispered.

"Edward, I'm sorry, but I don't understand a single word of what you're saying. However, it doesn't sound that bad at all. I can see you're having trouble explaining it to me, but you don't need to be afraid, ok?"

"Ok." He laid his own hand on mine and turned his head to kiss my palm, before putting our hands back onto his crossed legs.

"Alright, game time-out!" I said, forcing myself to sound a little more animated. "Would it be easier for you if I asked some questions, so you just need to say yes or no?"

"I don't know. Maybe? I really want to explain, Annie."

"Good. Let's see… you say you see things. Is it like hallucinations? Like on LSD or something?" I was just talking at large, for a start. But I thought this question was as good as any other.

"I guess it is similar. But I'm not sure, I've never taken LSD."

"Oh sorry, of course not, I didn't mean to -"

He smiled wryly and shrugged. "It's ok, Annie. It's not like I need any additional shit to get my mind going, you know, so… " He seemed a little more at ease now. I felt encouraged.

"Ok, so what… do you see bright colors, or fancy patterns, or…?"

"Colors, patterns, grids, waves, sparkles… all of it. It depends."

" _When_  do you see these things?"

"All the time." He hesitated for a moment, as if wanting to say something else, but then he just shook his head and let go a brief snort. "All the time," he repeated.

"Ok. And the things you see tell you what people are thinking?"

I realized that keeping my promise wasn't quite as easy as I had planned. Just now, I was pretty close to freaking out - this was more than bizarre. I needed to remind myself that it was still Kiddo, my beautiful boy.

"Not exactly. It's not like in a movie, ok?"

_It's not? If you only knew…_

My next thought almost made me giggle, but I managed to fight back the hysterics, "Is it a common, um… condition, this synesthetics? I mean, can I Google it?"

_Easy, Portman! It's just Edward, and he reads minds… nothing special. Gah!_

"Synesthesia," he corrected. "No, it's not very common. But yes, you can Google it."

"Then it might be a good idea, if I do. Before we go on talking about it, I mean."

He didn't look very enthusiastic, but I didn't care. I had a strong feeling that our current conversation wasn't really leading anywhere, and I was determined to find out what the heck this syneswhatever was.

At this moment the backpack started to sing. Jeff Buckley made it almost through the entire first verse of 'I Want Someone Badly' before Kiddo reached over, got his cell out and switched it off without even looking at the display.

"Don't you want to know who's calling?" I asked him.

"The only one who ever calls me is Law."

"Uh-oh, then you better call him back! Last time he couldn't get through to you he threatened me to call the cops. Really!" Kiddo shook his head and sighed. I felt a mild panic welling up; I seriously didn't want to tangle with Grandpa Law. "Call him back, Edward. Humor me, please."

He didn't answer but pressed a button and held the phone to his ear, waiting. When he connected, he got up from the bed and went for the door.

"Yeah, hi - - - sorry, no, it was just bad timing - - - yes, I'm good - - - "

The sound of his voice faded as soon as he left my bedroom. I decided to take the opportunity and finally put some clothes on. The time for pillow talk was over anyway; as was the time to play seductive. I picked my dress up off the floor and hung it back up into the closet; it hadn't got off entirely scot-free. I smiled and made a note to myself to iron it later. Then I stripped off my stockings, and changed into jeans and a simple white tee.

When I peeked through the crack of the door, I saw Kiddo sitting on the couch - fully dressed, and still talking to Law, the cell clamped between his ear and shoulder, while he was tying up his shoes. Apparently, he wasn't into more pillow talk either.

"- - - I don't know, Law - - - today? - - -" He looked up and smiled at me briefly as I entered the room. "- - - I'll ask her - - - yes, ok - - - I'll call you back in a few - - - ok, bye." He hung up and got up from the couch, gazing at me.

"What?" I spat, watching that dangerously sexy lop-sided smile appear.

"Seems we both had the same idea…" He flitted his hand back and forth between us. "You look great."

_Don't you dare blush, Portman!  
Ah... too late._

"Not yet, but I'm working on it." I mumbled and turned towards the bathroom. Looking back over my shoulder, I asked, "What did Law say? You mentioned you wanted to ask me something?"

He followed me hesitatingly and stopped in the doorframe. "He wants to invite you over for lunch."

"Oh my God!" I yelled, and Kiddo flinched as if something had hit him.  
"No, not you!" I hurried to rectify, "Or… yes, lunch - what the fuck? I mean really, what the fuck, but… oh my fucking God!"

"What's wrong?" He was behind me in no time, looking worriedly into my eyes in the mirror.

I threw my hands up in the air and whimpered, "My hair! What in heaven's name have you done to me?" To call the disaster on my head 'sex hair' would have been the understatement of the year - the woman in the mirror was a fucking cave dweller! With a gasp, I grabbed the brush and started frantically to tidy the knotty streaks. Kiddo's hand came up from behind me, reaching out for the brush. "May I…?" he asked softly.

I stopped mid-tangle and stared at him in bewilderment, "You want to brush my hair?"

He gently took my disheveled mane in both hands, pulled it over my shoulders and let it fall down my back. "Allow me, please," he said. Unresistingly, I let him pull the hairbrush out of my hand. My dopey gape perfectly completed my Neanderthal appearance, but I just couldn't help it.

_He wants to brush my fucking hair!_

"It will hurt." I objected meekly. He bent to kiss the crook of my neck and whispered, "No, it won't. Trust me." Then he took a small step back and went to work.

It was pure bliss. He attended to my hair like a pro, and I almost purred. As he held the lower ends of my long locks in one hand to prevent tugging the roots, he started to untangle the tips first, step by step moving upwards. It was quite obvious that he had done this before, or had been given directions by someone. A sister, maybe?

The only person who had ever brushed my hair like this was my mother, as far as I remembered. And it had been the epitome of love and caring to me; a warm tingling feeling that started in my stomach and slowly spread, wandering up my throat and to my mouth, where it lingered… like the sensation of sweet whipped cream, melting on the back of my tongue. I hummed quietly in contentment, closed my eyes and let myself sink back into that childhood déjà vu, feeling loved and cared for.

"So, what do you say?" I heard Kiddo ask. "Do you want to come?"

I needed a second to catch what he was talking about. "Oh… lunch at Law's. Right. I don't know… why would he want to invite me in the first place?" I wanted to open my eyes, but Kiddo's skillful hands had worked their way up, and the feeling of the brush strokes on my scalp was just too lulling - my lids seemed to be made of lead.

"I think he just wants to meet the infamous Annie Portman in person," he said. "It's a good day for lunch, by the way. Tuesdays are pizza days. You like pizza?"

"Sure," I mumbled. The pleasurable stroking stopped and I opened my eyes. Kiddo had laid the brush aside and fanned out my hair, it was perfectly smooth and shiny… and the whole procedure hadn't hurt the tiniest bit. "You did great," I complimented, "thank you."

He chuckled softly. "To be honest, I think I enjoyed it more than you. You have wonderful hair, Annie." He bundled my mane in one hand and glanced over my shoulder into the mirror. "Ponytail?"

Without further ado, I handed him a rubber band - wordless. I had given up wondering by now. Do I need to mention that of course, the ponytail, 'trademark Edward' turned out nothing less than perfect, too?

It saddened me a little that the blissful treatment was over now, but I still relished this whipped cream feeling, and when I turned around, I was kissing him passionately before I knew what I was doing. He moaned and pulled me into his tight embrace. When our tongues met -  _oh, hello butterflies_ \- I briefly wondered…

"Edward," I whispered against his lips, "do you… I mean right now, are you seeing things?"

"God, Annie…!" He leaned his forehead against mine and exhaled, "Yes, I do."

I raked my hands through his hair. "What, Edward? What do you see, love?"

"Violet," he said huskily. "Just this word…"

"Which word?"

"Love. This word from your lips is a violet and purple explosion, the very moment I hear you speak it. Tiny pieces and sparkles. They are…" He squeezed his eyes shut, struggling for words, "…they are revolving around a glowing center, but on different orbits, and they… cross each others' lanes, and then…" He opened his eyes and his shoulders slumped forward. "I can't, Annie. I don't know how to describe it."

"But it sounds wonderful!" I gasped, totally beguiled. I could hardly imagine the beauty of it.

"Yes, it is… with you. Apart from that - not so much. But I've learned to keep it in check, so… you don't need to worry, I could never hurt you, Annie."

"Why... of course not!" I didn't get it. "I don't think there's anything to worry about. I mean, the way your mind works… stunning! Edward, it's beautiful!"

All of a sudden, Kiddo let go of me. He stepped back and shook his head, a downcast expression on his face. "Beautiful!" he snorted acidly, "It is the mind of a killer, Annie!"

_What? Wait…_

_WHAT?_

"Why would you say something like that?" My heart started racing. What was that supposed to mean? He couldn't be serious!

"Never mind." He straightened himself and gave me a small smile; it didn't look very genuine. "Would it be ok with you if you'd Google 'Edward, the Freak' on my computer instead of yours? Law is still waiting for me to call back and tell him whether you're coming or not."

His sarcasm hurt, but I internally counted to ten and decided to let it go for now. Fine! Maybe visiting Grandpa Law and seeing where and how Kiddo lives would be somewhat revealing. My heart made a few more stumbling throbs, and then slowed down to normal.

"Tell him thanks, and I'm coming," I answered, all business. "When did you say is pizza time today?"

"In an hour. Granny lunchtime is high noon, but the staff is eating a little later, around 1pm. However, we should leave soon if we don't want to miss the good stuff. Park Road Village's famous Hawaiian Pizza for the careless and toothless!" Cue entrance: crooked smile.

_Oh fuck..._

"Sounds tempting." I mumbled. He seriously drove me mad. In one moment I wanted to spank him, and two seconds later he'd charmed me into a puddle on the floor. I grinned at him sheepishly. "But the whole situation is a little odd, don't you think? It's like fucking 'meet the parents'."

…  _and a whole company of grandparents too._

Kiddo chuckled, while he dialed. "No, it's not. Not at all. You'll see."

x-x-x-x-x

_He was right; it wasn't like meeting mom and dad at all. My memories of that Tuesday afternoon - first with Kiddo, then with Kiddo and Law, and in the end alone again with Kiddo - always became blurred, until I divided the unexpected ups and downs we went through into 'the Walk', 'the Ride' and 'the Clash' in my mind. It helped me to put the events into a chronological order; it didn't help me to understand everything though. Because after 'the Clash', things got even more surreal in Kiddo's room!_

_But one step at a time…_

**~ ~ ~ THE WALK ~ ~ ~**

It was a weird thing, walking to the train station with Kiddo next to me in broad daylight. I couldn't stop wondering what the two of us might look like in the eyes of a stranger. I felt exposed, as if any moment someone would point a finger at us and say,  _'I know what you are!'_  Awkward.

But really - what were we? Friends? A temporary couple? A cougar and her boy toy, like my outraged neighbor (and now ex-lover) James had put it so nicely? I refused to see it like that. But after all, I was…

_'The Woman' - in capitals. Yeah, right._

Kiddo didn't seem to be too happy either. With his head bent down, both hands buried deep inside his pockets, he kept looking at his feet, but threw quick glances at me from time to time. Shit - was he checking me out? Seeing… things?

"Can I ask you something, Edward?"

"Sure".

"The purple and violet things you saw when I said 'love'," I had to clear my throat before I could continue, "um... what did they tell you about my thoughts?"

"Annie… God!" he moaned.

"But you said it's like reading minds… so all this violet and purple must have a meaning, right?" We had almost reached the platform, and I turned around and playfully walked the last few steps backwards in front of him, "Come on!" I ducked a little and tilted my head, trying to make him face me. "Edward?"

He looked up, a slightly tortured expression in his eyes. "You won't let that go, right?"

"No."  _And I don't enjoy disappointment. Just saying…_

The small train station was deserted at this time of the day. We stopped at the same spot where he had been waiting for me yesterday. God, had it really just been yesterday? He averted his gaze from me and looked down at his feet again, nervously kicking the rim of a loose paving stone, again and again. After five or six kicks, he said, "I saw that you meant it."

My body ignited 'alert phase one' with a small surge of adrenaline. "I meant what? 'Love'? Of course - I mean, it just slipped me. You were so troubled, and I just meant to… it's like a pet name, people say it all the time, you know? There's no deeper meaning, it's just -"

Distracted by his kicking which grew more frantic by the minute, I lost momentum. I realized I had just been blathering without rhyme or reason.

And then Kiddo began to speak in a very low voice, and I was taken aback by the bitterness that rang with it… he almost growled out the words, staring down at the ground and kicking.

"You are right; people say it all the time. And when they do, it is like a satellite dish in a severe rainstorm.

_(kick)_

Instead of your favorite TV show, all you get is interference, pink noise and grey flickers, and it gives you a headache.

_(kick)_

You try to adjust your receiver, but it stays the same.

_(kick)_

You switch channels because you just can't fucking believe that no one ever means what they're saying. But wherever you look, it's always the same. So you give up and turn the whole shit off.

_(kick)_

Crackles and flickering, that's what I see with the things people say all the time, Annie. That's the world I live in. There's nothing beautiful to it, it's nauseating."

The kicking stopped, and he raised his head. "It makes me so angry all the time, and sometimes…" he faltered and closed his eyes for a second, before he added pointedly,

"I can never lose control."

I just stared at him, trying to grasp his revelation. It was hard to imagine what it must be like to live with such besetting visions. My chest hurt for him as the picture slowly sank in. In a helpless attempt to comfort him, I stroked his upper arm a little awkwardly. I felt terrible that I had pressed him so thoughtlessly on this matter and made him so upset.

"I'm so sorry, Edward." I didn't know what else to say.

"Don't be. I turned the whole shit off, years ago. I try to avoid speaking to people, if possible. And if I have to, I tune everything down to almost zero. Can we just talk about something else now, please? Train is coming, by the way."

"Ok," I said and moved one step towards him, hesitating for a moment, unsure whether he might want a hug.

But he came to meet me and pulled me into his arms. His mouth was at my ear, and over the screaming noise of the approaching train I heard his insistent words, "When you called me 'love' you didn't flicker, Annie."

He kissed my temple, pressing his lips ferociously against my skin. "You didn't flicker," he repeated. Then he released me, took my hand and tugged me towards the waiting train.

**~ ~ ~ THE RIDE ~ ~ ~**

As soon as we got in, I dropped myself onto one of the benches. Kiddo stood there for a moment, eyeing me questioningly. I patted the seat next to me, and was rewarded with a smile - the first since we'd left my apartment. It was the smallest, faintest hint of a smile, but I instantly felt a weight lifted off of my heart.

He sat down beside me, and I leaned against his chest without thinking. After a moment of hesitation, his arm tightened around my shoulders. He kissed the top of my head and sighed into my hair.

I closed my eyes to shut out the few other passengers, because I didn't want to see the looks on their faces. I couldn't stop feeling uncomfortable about this kind of 'PDA' with Kiddo. But the urge to be there for him and assure him of my friendship prevailed - if friendship was what we had. So I choked back the embarrassment and tried to solely focus on him.

"Hey," I said, "we have a few minutes. Give me your backpack."

Instead of handing it to me, he clutched it even more tightly. "Why?"

_Geez, I'm not going to steal it!_

"I just want to pick a question out of my envelope. If you'd like?"

"Oh… sure!" His face lit up, as he opened his backpack and got out the origami artwork with my name on it. I reached into it and stirred the notes playfully with my fingers before I pulled one out and waved it in front of his face.

He chuckled quietly. My heart leaped for joy - Kiddo was laughing again!

"Ok, let's see…" I unfolded the paper and read aloud, "'Can I borrow your copy of 'Twilight?' - What?" I gasped.

_This is a joke, isn't it!_

"Why would you want to borrow my book?"

He didn't answer but cocked a brow at me, obviously waiting for… something. Didn't the rules say I could also ask him to elaborate a question?

_Oh!_

"Elaborate!" I rolled my eyes, and he laughed.

"Ok... I saw it on your bookshelf, and it is literally loved to death… dog-eared and with post-it's and notes in it. So I got curious about the book that apparently means so much to you. Plus, I read the blurb on the back, and noticed the main character's name is Edward. That's funny, isn't it?"

_Yes, too funny…._

"I could buy my own copy, but I'd really love to read yours, so… can I borrow it?"

"No!" I replied, quick as a shot.

He shrugged, smiling. "Ok."

"Don't you want me to elaborate my answer?" I asked, surprised.

"No. I understand if it's too personal. I will just buy a copy."

God, that was close! It was still embarrassing enough he wanted to read it. But at least he wouldn't see my personal notes and remarks. And I was glad my refusal didn't upset him again; he was still smiling. Good.

"Shall I pick another one?" I asked, hoping to be luckier with the next question.

"Yes, please." He squeezed my waist in anticipation.

Relief washed through me, when I unfolded the next note; I smiled to myself - this was a harmless one. "'If Annie is a nickname - what is your full first name?' - Ok, the answer is: Annabelle."

"Annabelle… that's great. A perfect fit for you."

"You think so?"

"Want me to elaborate my opinion?" he teased, rubbing his nose against my cheek. "I don't think there's a rule about - ouch!"

I punched him against the chest. "Cut. That. Out," I demanded, insistently poking my index finger in his belly with each syllable.

"Ok. ok!" He squirmed and giggled. It was crazy how good it felt to see him like this. The world was brighter when he smiled.

"It's even a double fit," he explained. "The first half, 'Anna', originates from the Greek word 'channah' which means 'graceful', and 'belle' is French for 'the beauty'."

_No shit!_

His voice became softer when he continued, "So your name means 'the graceful beauty', which is…" he placed a soft kiss on my forehead, "… exactly…" another kiss on my nose, "… what you are." The last kiss found my lips, stirring the butterflies again.

I blushed, for the second time today. "How do you know all that?"

He shrugged, a little awkwardly. "To be honest… I Googled it. There weren't too many possible choices about what your full name could be. I checked them all, hoping to get the chance some time to impress you with my brilliance." He eyed me, smirking. "Was it worth the effort? Are you impressed?"

"Very," I confirmed. "I'm almost starting to like my name."

"The actual origin of 'belle' is the Latin word 'bella' though," he added.

"Really?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

"Yes." He took my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. "It's nice, hm? Would you let me call you Bella?"

I had been wrong! With Kiddo, there was no such thing as a 'harmless question'. I groaned internally. This was getting better and better…

"Yes… no… I mean… let's stick to Annie for now, ok?" I stammered.

"Ok." He kissed my forehead again, and murmured, "But in my mind you'll be my Bella."

_Holy Shit!_

**~ ~ ~ THE CLASH ~ ~ ~**

By the time we got off the train at Park Road Station, I was so accustomed to the sensation of Kiddo's arm around me that I forgot to feel embarrassed about it. I actually liked it. I also liked the small pecks on my cheek and neck. And most of all I liked to see how happy it made Kiddo that I allowed him to treat me like I was his girlfriend. So we walked through the park, hand in hand.

Yes, it was THE park. We didn't talk on the way, but when we passed the corner of our first encounter, Kiddo briefly squeezed my hand. And when I looked up at him, he smiled at me so lovingly that my stomach began to tingle.

After just a few more steps, Park Road Village came in sight. I cringed a little at the thought that I had almost-raped Kiddo practically on the doorstep of the retirement home. To my surprise, we didn't take the front gate but kept on walking alongside the high hedgerow instead, until we reached a small side entrance.

I looked at Kiddo questioningly.

"If we'd walk in through the main building, we'd never make it to Law's before sunset," he explained, grinning. "You'll see why when I show you around after lunch."

I shrugged. "Whatever you say." If that meant I could avoid meeting any grannies, I wouldn't complain. I wasn't eager for a mass meeting of seniors anyway; facing Grandpa Law would definitely be enough for one day.

We reached a group of small brick outbuildings which were surrounded by spacious green areas with coniferous shrubs and trees. Kiddo was right - it was nice here, and one could easily forget it was a retirement home. Maybe it was due to lunchtime that the place was almost deserted. The only person I could see was definitely too young to be one of the residents. It was a gardener, cutting the bushes. It was a pretty handsome gardener...

_Nice ass, dude! If all of the staff looks like that,  
I should register myself for a nice retreat here in time!_

I only noticed that Kiddo was unwaveringly tugging me towards that sexy jeans-clad butt with the hedge trimmer, when he whispered into my ear, "Ok, are you ready?"

Ready for what? Did he want to introduce me to the personnel first? I had prepared myself to meet his grumpy and overprotective uncle, and to be honest, I really wanted to get over with it as soon as possible.

We were only a few steps away from the man and I opened my mouth to object, when the gardener in question straightened up and turned around. My mouth clapped shut, and I wondered instantly if there was such a thing like a lower age limit which excluded me from moving in here right now.

_I changed my mind - please introduce me to the personnel!_

If the rear view had been appealing, the gardener's front was just stunning. He was well-built with square shoulders underneath his white tee, and remarkably muscular arms. He was a little shorter than Kiddo but by no means less attractive. His hair was very short and dark, just like his three-day-beard. Well, maybe it was a five-day-beard, but it was definitely becoming on his clear-cut masculine face. The guy looked like a movie star!

As we approached him, he threw his tool into the grass and smiled widely, exposing a perfect row of white teeth. I reckoned him to be in his late thirties, or about forty. Wiping his hands on his pants, he came to meet us; I noticed he was walking with a slight limp.

"Hey," he said, beaming, "I'm glad you guys are here!" And then he was there, and I could see his eyes. They were green. Incredibly green! I felt a little…

_\- dazzled! -_

… dizzy. I heard Kiddo speak next to me, "Yes, I'm actually back in one piece, go figure!" He let go of my hand, and then he and…

_\- the gardening sexgod -_

… the guy performed one of these one-armed masculine buddy-embraces, drumming each other's backs. I just stood there, without any will of my own, and gaped at them, until Kiddo put his hand at the small of my back and said, "Law, this is my friend Annie. Annie, Law!"

_What the fuck... Pops?_

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Annie!" Law said and reached out his hand. I had to blink a few times to relaunch my brain, before I was able to take his hand and answer, "The pleasure is all mine."

_No kidding!_

His eyes rested on me for a moment. It was the familiar emerald green, and the same intense glance. And then one corner of his mouth curled up, and I almost passed out on the green grass of Park Road Village. The mature version of that sexy lop-sided smile was just… too much!

Law tilted his head to one side, and his smile widened. Intrigued, I watched little laughter lines appear around his eyes, as he said, "Edward told me you were gorgeous but I must say, it was clearly an understatement."

_Blush #3! Ok, Kiddo, call me Bella…_

"Thank you," I breathed. Suddenly Kiddo's arm was around my waist again, holding me tightly.

I cleared my throat, "You aren't exactly what I expected Edward's uncle to look like either, if I may say so."

Kiddo pulled me yet a little closer; it was almost uncomfortable, and I slightly squirmed and turned my head to look at him. Surprised, I saw him scowl at some spot in the middle between Law and myself, his brows furrowed ferociously. I followed his gaze and noticed that Law was still holding my hand… which was nice. It was a good hand, no piano hand but strong and warm, distinctly callused.

I heard Kiddo exhale at length beside me and in the corner of my eye I saw his head jerk up when Law said, "And I need to thank you for being there for Edward yesterday. I guess I overreacted a little, so again… my apologies for that."

"Oh no, it was a pleasure to have him over," I replied and immediately felt blush #4 well up when I realized the double meaning. A little abashed, I looked back at Kiddo and was startled. His eyes were narrowed to slits, and he was staring at something invisible next to Law, or around him, or… whatever - I knew at once, he was 'seeing things'. And he didn't like what he saw. Not at all.

Law had noticed it too, and all of a sudden my hand was free.

Without averting his gaze, Kiddo said, "Annie, could you please wait here for a moment? I'll be right back."

"Sure." The sound of his voice scared me. Something was terribly wrong.

As soon as I had answered, Kiddo let go of me and had one hand on Law's shoulder, shoving him away from me and towards one of the buildings. "We need to talk for a minute…" I heard him say before the two men disappeared inside, the door left ajar.

_What the hell…?_

No way was I going to wait there like a sheep. I walked over to the House, until I was within earshot and held my breath. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 **Edward** : "...otherwise. We're not going to stay.  
I'll show her around a little, then we'll leave."

 **Law:**  "What?"

 **Edward:**  "You heard me."

 **Law** : "What's wrong, E?"

There was a brief pause. I waited, my heart pounding like mad.

 **Law:**  "E?"

 **Edward:**  "I don't like the way you look at her."

 **Law:**  "What are you talking about?"

 **Edward:**  "You can fool yourself, but you can't fool me.  
You know that, Law! I will not bring her back here."

 **Law:**  "You're overreacting, E.  
I looked at her, so what?  
How am I supposed to not look at her?  
You just introduced her to me, remember?  
And admittedly, she's quite a vision.  
But that doesn't mean -"

 **Edward, shouting:**  "Shut the fuck up, Law! I know what I saw, ok?"

 **Law:**  "You must calm down. You're losing it..."

 **Edward:**  "I know damn well, I'm losing my shit right now.  
And I can't do anything about it, Law, it doesn't work anymore!  
That's what I was trying to tell you on Sunday, didn't you listen?  
She... she somehow... cracked the lock,  
and I don't know how to fix it, ok?  
I'm hardly keeping my filters now.  
So yeah, I'm overreacting, and it doesn't help at all  
to see you eyefucking her!"

Kiddo had hissed the last sentence like a panther, ready to pounce. The whole scene freaked me out. My heart was racing. I couldn't believe he was starting a fight with his uncle... over me! There were a few moments of silence before Edward spoke again; his voice was so low now, I could hardly understand the words. It rather sounded like growling.

 **Edward:**  "Jesus, Law, I don't want that, but right now,  
the urge to hurt you is almost unbearable.  
Everything is turning black, and you know that one, don't you?  
I want to rip your throat or something.  
I gotta get out of here."

 **Law:**  "I'm sorry, Edward. I had no idea."

 **Edward:**  "You know how it was the last time.  
If we stay, someone will get hurt.  
Do you understand that?"

 **Law:**  "I see. You probably better go then.  
I guess it doesn't make any difference  
if I assure you that I do not have any intentions  
whatsoever... regarding Annie?"

 **Edward:**  "No. I know what I saw."

_And what exactly was that?_

**Law:**  "What did you see?"

I held my breath, waiting for Kiddo to answer. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard his voice again. It was barely above a whisper now, and I only caught a few snippets.

 **Edward:**  "... saw how... falling in love...  
you don't see... not going to happen...  
fucking not compete with... get me?"

I heard Law mumble something I couldn't understand, followed by another hiss from Kiddo.

 **Edward:**  "Don't... touch me!"

 **Law:**  "Ok."

 **Edward:**  "I'll see you tomorrow."

 

 

I knew Kiddo would come out any moment, but I was too shocked to move and pretend I hadn't eavesdropped. When he appeared in the doorframe, I just stood still. He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. Then he walked over to me, still holding my gaze, until he was close enough to lean his head against mine. I noticed he was still shaking with anger, as he moved his hand and hooked just his index finger around mine.

His eyes were closed, when he asked between clenched teeth, "You like Law, don't you?"


	16. The Cracks in my Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to keep myself open up to you  
> It gets easier and easier to do  
> Just like Jericho  
> Let these walls come tumbling down now  
> Let them fall here on the ground  
> Let all these dogs go running free  
> The wild and gentle dogs  
> Kenneled in me
> 
> "Jericho"  
> Joni Mitchell

_What should I say…? God, I don't know what to say…!_

Kiddo was trembling with suppressed anger, audibly puffing through his nose. He was trying hard to keep his head, but he was a loose cannon right now. His index finger tightly hooked around mine, he nervously moved our hands to and fro; they bumped against his thigh each time his arm swung back. I could almost hear the sound of his teeth grinding together, and he still hadn't opened his eyes yet. Right now, Kiddo seriously scared the shit out of me.

_Do I like Law?_

I couldn't lie to him. But I didn't want to light his fuse either.

_What does he want to hear?_

I struggled for an answer while the seconds were ticking by.

_Fuck, he knows everything anyway, so what in hell…?  
Open your mouth, Portman!_

"Why are you asking me that?"

No reaction. Just the nerve-racking bumping of our hands against his leg. I squirmed my hand free and grabbed his wrist to stop it.

"Edward, I just met Law for the first time and saw him for what… two minutes?"

He tilted his head to one side and rolled it around from shoulder to shoulder; I heard a vertebra crack in his neck. Then he opened his eyes, and I winced. They were like lightless pits. I let go of his wrist and involuntarily made a small step backwards.

"Of course you like him. He's a great guy, isn't he?" he said, in a toneless voice.

"Yes, he seems to be a great guy, and I think I like him," I admitted. "And I'm certainly telling you no secret when I say that he's also extremely good-looking and knows how to turn on the charm. But I'll be damned if I know what the fuck just happened here. You're scaring me."

Kiddo slowly shook his head. "You don't need to be scared of me. I told you I could never hurt you." He sounded dead tired.

"But you said you wanted to hurt Law!" I retorted, enraged.

He closed his eyes again and nodded. "How much of it did you overhear?"

"Pretty much everything. I heard you say you wanted to rip out his fucking throat, Edward. And it didn't sound like a joke to me. And all the other things you said, I mean really… I don't even understand why your uncle puts up with your shit." The numbness slowly left me while I was speaking; I was almost screaming at him now. "And what is it with 'black' and 'the last time it happened'?  _What_  happened? Did you kill someone in one of your static satellite dish moods? Should I double check the locks on my door from now on? Fuck, I just don't know who you are, Edward!"

He made a step towards me but stopped at once when I recoiled instinctively. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have brought you here."

"Dammit, Edward!" I felt anger welling up, and I was thankful for it. I liked it definitely better than the pinching fear. "You didn't  _bring_  me here! I'm not a little girl, and I'm not your fucking girlfriend. So cut that out, ok? Law invited me over, and I accepted.  _That's_  why I'm here!"

Kiddo's jaw had dropped when I yelled at him, and he was breathing heavily now through his open mouth. He looked at me under half closed lids, as though he had trouble staying awake.

"You're right," he said, still in that zombie voice, "please forgive me. However, I am not… in the condition to join you two. Law will explain everything to you, I'm sure. Just ask him. He's good at explaining things. I just can't. Sorry."

And with that he turned and walked away without looking back. Still snorting with rage, I watched him disappear behind Law's house. My mind was roaring now.

_Fuck you, Kiddo! And fuck your moods and your touchiness, and fuck your synesthetic mind reading shit, and fuck your sexy ass too!_

"Fuck you!" I hissed.

"Annie?"

I turned around, and Law was leaning against the doorframe. I threw my arms up in the air. "What the hell is wrong with you guys?" I snapped at him.

He made a few steps towards me, limping a little more distinctive than before. Very gingerly, he touched my shoulder and asked, "Are you ok?"

When I looked at him, I didn't see the hot guy who had knocked me off my feet a few minutes ago. I just saw a friendly face and sincere concern written on it. My chin started to quiver and my eyes filled with tears. "No, I'm not," I whined. And the next thing I knew, Law's solid arms were around me.

That was all it took… without premonition, I fell to pieces. I sobbed into his chest like a three-year-old who had lost sight of mommy in the shopping mall. Law just held me, rocking us both softly back and forth. "Shhh… it's ok," he hummed soothingly.

"What  _is_  it?" I cried, "What's the matter with him?" In barely more than 24 hours, dealing with Kiddo's moods and myths, I had turned into a bundle of nerves. And I had no idea why I was doing this to myself, or why he affected me so much, in the first place.

"He will be alright, don't worry. Everything will be alright," Law continued to console me, patiently waiting for my hysteric sobbing and wailing to cease. His words meant nothing to me, but I found comfort in the way his body spoke to me. With my head against his broad chest, I could feel his steady heartbeat and the low vibration of his calming voice. One of his hands was gently stroking my hair; the other arm was tightly wound around my shoulders. It was like the promise of friendship and shelter, and my own body responded to it instinctively; I slung my arms around his waist and slowly calmed down.

Law waited until I was breathing evenly, only interrupted by occasional sniffles, before he spoke again, "What about some pizza and a beer now?"

I snorted. "You remind me of my grandma - whenever I was upset she thought she could cure anything with milk and cookies. She didn't even care to ask what my problem was," I mumbled, still huddled against his chest. His shirt was drenched with my tears. But he smelled good, a little like sandalwood and honey.

"I think I can go one better though," he said, "I can offer you pizza, beer and some answers. What do you say?" He released me, and both his hands wandered to my shoulders. He didn't push me away though, but waited for me to move. Reluctantly I pulled my head off his chest and stepped back. Rubbing my eyes, I answered, "If you're willing to up the ante and make it a pizza, a beer, some answers  _and_  a tissue… I'm in!"

He chuckled softly. "Deal!"

 

 .  . 

 

x-x-x-x-x

The pizza, delivered from the cafeteria, was terrible. A lukewarm, squashy disaster. Maybe they needed room for new applicants and were trying to poison their current residents by feeding them stuff like this. The small crumbs of yesterday's menu that stuck to my fork didn't make the meal any more appealing either. I declined with a thanks. Luckily, Law blamed my lack of appetite on my emotional distress and didn't ask.

The beer, though its temperature strongly approached that of the pizza, worked fine for me. Since I rarely drank alcohol, and due to my empty stomach, I felt quite light-headed after only a few sips, and things seemed to move back into proportion. I ripped another tissue from the Kleenex box I had been generously offered and blew my nose extensively and fortissimo.

Law, who hadn't spoken a single word since we had entered the jumble collection he called a kitchen, shifted in his seat. "Better now?"

"Yes, much better. Thank you." I glanced across to discover that other than me, Law in fact considered the Hawaiian misfortune as something edible. He had scarfed down his serving without batting an eyelid, and now was using his index finger to pick up microscopic crumbs off his empty plate and put them into his mouth. It was... disturbing to watch, to say at least. I averted my gaze and sedulously examined the crumbled-up tissue in my hands. "God, I must look terrible."

"That's open to dispute," Law muttered and, to my relief, eventually shoved his plate aside.

"Usually, I don't lose my cool that easily." I smiled at him ruefully, but he just chuckled.

"Don't worry about that, Annie. Edward is a pain in the ass, that's for sure. I was surprised you arrived here with your head on straight at all."

"Ah yes? Why?"

"Because you, um…" he faltered and pointed a finger at my untouched, and meanwhile cooled off, portion of pizza from hell, "Don't you wanna eat that?"

_Jesus Christ..._

I shook my head no, "Feel free."

"Thanks." He snatched the plate, and I watched in morbid fascination as he coiled the pizza-shaped toxic waste into a roll, and bit off a chunk with relish. When eating, the family likeness between Law and Kiddo was remarkable.

"You were just telling me why you were surprised to see-"

Chewing and nodding, Law held one finger up to indicate that he was about to answer any second. After yet more chewing and nodding, he swallowed noisily and said, "You were almost 24 hours in his presence, and you hadn't called the police, you didn't have a black eye and you were still able to speak in complete sentences. You beat the record." He bit off another piece of the roll and grinned at me, chewing.

"Why don't you tell me something about said record? I remember this package included some answers too."

"Mm... mm... yes," he forced another bite down his throat. "That was the deal. Hey – are you sure you're not hungry? There's a dessert too."

_Good heavens!_

"I'm sure, thanks. You can have mine if you want to."

"Oh, good – ok, but first..." He took another bite, and then he meaningfully pointed the remainder of the pizza roll at me, chomping again. "...umm... mm..."

I waited impatiently for him to gulp down. He waved the pizza roll from side to side a few times, emphasizing in advance whatever point he was going to make, until finally his Adam's apple bopped and he continued, "...first I need to ask  _you_ one or two things, if that's ok?"

I sighed. "Sure."

A reddish substance leaked out of the last bit of the roll and ran down Law's wrist. He caught it with his other hand and looked around the table, searching for something. I handed him a Kleenex, and he took it with a nod – but not before he had maneuvered the last piece of pizza into his mouth, using his thumb to shove it in as if he wanted to make sure it wouldn't escape.

I waited.

Chew. Chew. Swallow.

"Ok..."

Chew. Swallow.

"… what did Edward tell you already? Or do I have to start at zero?"

Relieved that Law's meal was finally over, I answered, "He told me about his synesthesia, and that he sees those things."

"He did? That's quite remarkable." Law seemed to be surprised.

"Yes, he did, but it wasn't easy for him. He..." I hesitated for a moment, "he had an anxiety attack of sorts when I asked him about it."

Law nodded, looking straight into my eyes. Without breaking the eye contact, he raised his beer bottle, took a long swig and put it down on the table again. After a few seconds and a bit more staring, he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, "Annie?"

I raised my brows, "Yes?"

"Say... did Edward get laid last night?"

_What the fuck!_

I blushed like I had never blushed before

in

my

life.

It was so...

**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -**

_...embarrassing!  
I shouldn't have brought her here.  
I should have known.  
It happens again.  
And I made it worse..._

Law didn't insist that I said it out loud. My awkwardness was answer enough, and he shook his head and chuckled. "I should have known..."

It took all my strength to stand his gaze and to  _not_  apologize. Why did I still feel as though I had done something illegal? Kiddo and I had done nothing wrong, dammit! And Law didn't seem to be too upset with the news, just surprised or a little... bummed out? We reached for our beers simultaneously, and we both took extended swigs, glaring at each other over the bottlenecks.

"Well," he started after wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "I know it is disturbing to see Edward lose his temper for the first time, but I can assure you he's probably back to normal right now, so -"

"It wasn't the first time," I cut in. We raised our bottles again, both he and I stopping halfway this time. I was wondering whether he did this on purpose.

He lifted one brow. "Really? What happened?"

"He did some Kung Fu or Karate or something like that to my neighbor, pretty scary. Nothing too bad happened though, just a little nosebleed," I replied nonchalantly and brought my bottle all the way to my mouth.

Laws bottle went the opposite direction and landed on the table top with a bang. "What?" Suddenly agitated, he got off his chair and leaned forward, his hands gripping the edges of the small table on either side. "Please tell me there were no police involved!"

"There were no police involved," I said inanely.

"Fuck!" He started pacing the kitchen, muttering under his breath. I couldn't help but admire his lean butt again, but also noticed his limping was more conspicuous now than I had seen before.

"Really, it wasn't a big deal..." I appeased.

He stopped and turned to me, "No big deal? Annie-" In an overly familiar gesture, he raked a hand through his hair. "If your neighbor is going to take legal action, we're in real trouble here. Edward has a history of violence, you know - he is on probation, dammit!"

"Oh?" My heart skipped a beat. "Why? What happened? Is he dangerous?"

_And what if he is, Portman? Would you send him away? Does it even..._

**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -**

_... matter anymore?  
Could it get any worse?  
Annie glowing.  
Annie flirting.  
Annie with Law.  
Pink and yellow good guy Law..._

"Fuck no! He is not dangerous," Law resumed his uneven pacing. "E is a good boy; he just has a monopoly on bad luck, always the fall guy - not my story to tell though. But anyway... last time shit happened, they sentenced him. One year probation plus charitable work, that's why he is here," he stopped again and frowned at me. "Do you think your neighbor will keep his feet still?"

I was distracted for a moment by the way his biceps bulged as he was wringing his hands in front of his chest. Then I heard one of his knuckles crackle and my mind clicked back into reality. "I'm pretty sure he won't do anything, I took care of it."

He relaxed noticeably. "Good. God... I hope you are right, Annie." He turned around and limped towards the cabinet next to the gas range, where he silently started to unwrap another suspicious-looking tin foil package.

"What's with your leg, if you don't mind asking me?"

His square shoulders shrugged. Without turning around, he said, "It's gone."

_Damn, what? Gone? As in, off? Amputated? Shit!_

"Fuck... Law, I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"It's ok, no prob. Motorbike crash some years ago. They took it off right below the knee. It's not that bad; the darn leg certainly won't come back because you're sorry, so stop it, ok?" He turned around, each hand holding a plastic cup, filled with some kind of viscous, white substance, and gave me an impish lop-sided grin. "You sure you don't want your dessert?"

_Oh, come on...!_

"It's all yours, I assure you – what I want is answers, Law! You had yours, now it's my turn. What did he see when we met each other out there on the lawn? Do things like this happen often? Is he always like this? What did Edward mean when he said, he wanted to hurt you? Was he serious?"

 _What does it mean, and what in Heaven's name_ happens _when everything turns..._

**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -**

_...black? Really?  
Fucking Black.  
Twice in two days.  
Black Black Black Black Black  
It is her,  
because of her,  
but then again not.  
It's me.  
Fucking Black. Fucking me..._

"The things he sees... you know, I trust in them. It's weird, I know, and apparently I am the only one who thinks he's not batshit crazy. But really, he knows things, it's stunning! Do you believe me?"

I nodded. "A bit like mind-reading, right?"

"Not really." Law shoved another spoonful of what he had declared to be vanilla pudding into his mouth. Thankfully, there wasn't much to chew and the intermissions were short. "Or.. yes, maybe a little mind-reading, a little clairvoyance, who knows? Fact is: it is reliable. It's a gift. However, Edward considers it to be a curse."

"Why?"

"When he was a child, nobody knew what was wrong with him; talking about colors and stuff all the time. They thought he was hallucinating or schizophrenic. They fed him shitloads of meds, so I was told. I didn't know him when he was a kid. Anyway... they kind of rammed it down his throat, that it was a bad thing to have those visions, and that he was a sick. Until he was 15, he had gone through like 20 different therapies with 20 different shrinks. They just tamed him, I think."

He shoved the empty dessert cup aside and pointed his spoon at me, adding meaningfully, "But Edward is a sleeping lion, you know what I mean?"

_Fuck, don't get poetic at me – spit it out!_

"Not exactly, Law."

"Well, like I said – they tamed him. The taught him how to suppress his visions or to not pay attention to them in order to make him more socially compatible. But it sort of backfired. He turned from a gushy golden boy into a very sad and silent kid, with the effect of total social isolation. I guess he figured, if he didn't say anything at all they couldn't blame him for saying something wrong. So things got worse. And on top of the schizophrenia misdiagnosis, the shrinks added autism to his case history. Wham!"

"Fuck!" I gasped.

"Exactly." He reached out for the second dessert and started to stir the yellowish substance with his spoon, when he suddenly froze and cocked a brow at me. "Last chance, Annie." He wiggled the cup in front of me.

"Thanks, but no thanks," I said pointedly. "What's with the sleeping lion now?"

"Yeah, what I wanted to explain is, this synesthesia doesn't go away, ok? It is still there, there's no cure. He is just controlling it. He is doing all those mental exercises they've rammed into him, calls it walls and locks and filters and hell knows what else. He lives in the constant fear of losing control. He didn't tell me any details, but he seems to remember from his childhood that terrible things happen if he gets overwhelmed by those visions and sensations. So he puts great effort into keeping them in check. Especially the "black one". That's the one he sees when he is pissed off." He chuckled darkly. "I mean,  _really_  pissed off. The black one gets him into trouble every time, I tell you."

_Fuck yes, the lion was definitely awake when Tom showed up and Kiddo lost his..._

**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -**

_...fucking temper.  
Fucking blood thirst.  
Twice in two days.  
Nothing has changed.  
I didn't change...  
I've scared her away.  
I've scared her.  
Fucking scared her.  
Fucking Black got the better of me.  
I'm out of control.  
I should stay away from her.  
I don't have the strength to stay away from her.  
Annie..._

"And what did he mean, I 'cracked the lock'? I did nothing, I didn't even know about all this until a few hours ago!" Damn, Kiddo's story tore at my heart. How could they mess around like that with a kid? It made me feel guilty again, as if I had added to his misery, and I hated that feeling. I needed another beer.

Obviously, mind-reading ran as much in the family as extreme handsomeness, green eyes and crooked smiles – Law disposed of the empty dessert cups and returned with two new bottles of the soothing stuff. We clanked them like old buddies, and then he replied, "I have no idea, Annie, but it seems you're the one."

"What is that supposed to mean? Like in the Matrix, you are The One - take the blue pill, or take the red pill? Or what?" I giggled hysterically with the premonition of something I wouldn't be pleased to hear.

"You're crashing his control, Annie. He can't stop the visions when you're around. That's what he told me. It scares him to death. You're negating years of training and self-restraint, just by being there. Isn't that awesome?" Law seemed genuinely happy about something.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"You've turned Edward from a dumb robotic shell into a living being again, and you are asking me whether there's something wrong with you? Hells, Annie – as long as I've known him, he has..."

**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -**

_...buried it so deep, tuned it down,  
built walls around it, locked the doors.  
Blessed grey peace, blessed silent numbness.  
Blessed solitude.  
But Annie...  
I have no defense for you, Annie.  
You came in through the cracks in my heart  
and opened it from the inside.  
You brought back the beauty  
and the anger.  
You brought back life.  
You are my life now.  
La mia bella grazioso..._

"He is waiting for you, you know?" Law said softly, and the way he looked at me so resembled Kiddo that my stomach clenched. After a few seconds, he abruptly leaned back in his chair and mumbled, "He's one lucky bastard."

I swallowed. "You mean, he is waiting for me... now?"

"You bet your ass!" he laughed. "I can tell you exactly what's going on with E. He went straight to his room, where he stripped and then tortured his punching bag for, let's say half an hour to let off steam, ok? Then he took a shower, maybe he rubbed one off to get off more steam, hell – that boy's got a lot of steam..." He laughed again, but there was a hint of sarcasm to it.

Why was he suddenly so frustrated? Maybe he was as drunk as me. We'd talked for almost two hours, and I counted eight empty bottles on the table. I felt a little sloshed.

"Anyway..." he continued, "I bet he's sitting at his desk now, filling his little notebook with little lines, full of self-loathing. Which is something they told him to do in one of his dog obedience school therapies, but I think it's bullshit. It doesn't make a single thing better."

"I'm drunk; I think I should go home."

"I think you should go out of this door, take a sharp turn to the right, and knock on the green door you will find right in front of your pretty eyes. That's what I think. Make him better, Annie. Go."

I got up from my chair. "The green door?"

Law nodded and reached out for another beer. Without looking up at me, he said, "He is a good boy, Annie, and I love him. Be good to him."

"I will," I whispered, and turned to leave the jumble collection kitchen and its pizza and beer impregnated air behind. I also left an oddly frustrated and quite sentimental Law behind. And I left any doubts and fears behind.

_I'll be good to my beautiful boy. I'll be damned if I..._

_**\- - - - - - - - (Edward's Notebook) - - - - - - - -** _

_...fucked this up!  
Fucking me  
fucking Black  
fucked this up.  
Again.  
But I need her._

_Please  
PLEASE  
please, God, let me have that!  
Let me have that!  
Let me have th_

When I knocked on the green door and nothing happened, I first thought Law had been wrong, and Kiddo wasn't here. An irrational anger came over me. I fucking  _wanted_  him to be here. I knocked again, harder this time, and called his name. There was a noise inside, like a chair scraping over a wooden floor. I listened for a moment, waiting for footsteps, but everything remained quiet. I raised my arm to knock for the third time, and stopped midways as the door suddenly swung open and I almost bumped my knuckles on Kiddo's chest instead.

I couldn't find any proof of a possible punching bag torment, but I could tell from his damp hair that he had actually taken a shower (shoving the distracting thought of any inappropriate shower activities aside) and changed clothes. He was wearing a simple white button down and blue jeans, and he looked good enough to eat – I realized I had never seen him in any other color but black before. Apart from that, he still looked exactly like when he had left me with his insatiable and talkative uncle two hours ago. Unhappy, tense, scowling... his one hand clutched the door handle, knuckles white, the other fisted a pen as if it was a dirk.

We both stared at each other in silence for a moment, and then we spoke simultaneously,

"Annie, I –"  
"Edward, what –"

"You first," he offered.

"Don't you want to invite me in?"

Eyeing me warily, he opened the door a little further and stepped aside to give me some space. "Thank you," I said and shoved myself past him into the most bizarre room I'd ever seen.

It was white. And nothing but white. Not only the walls, but the floor, the ceiling and everything else was painted white. The room was scarcely furnished. A bed, a wooden box that served as a nightstand, a dresser, a desk, a chair, some more boxes, and a pile of whoknowswhat in one corner, covered under a white bed sheet. Not a single picture adorned the walls, or any other item of decoration, just the infamous punching bag – white – slightly swinging on a hook in the ceiling beam. The whole place looked like a lab for some crazy human experiment, rather than a room someone would want to live in voluntarily.

When I turned around, the door was still open and Kiddo hadn't moved. I gestured at the space behind me, "You do know that you could get snow-blind in here, right?"

"I know," he answered without any noticeable humor. Then he narrowed his eyes and gave me a once-over that annoyed the shit out of me, before he stated, "You're no longer mad at me."

"Oh, I wouldn't rely on that if I were you," I retorted, squinting my eyes too.

_Being good to him doesn't necessarily include letting him have the upper hand, right?_

Without averting his gaze, Kiddo reached behind himself and slowly pulled the door shut. Then he uttered another of his matter-of-fact statements, as if I hadn't any say in this at all, "You are not here to say goodbye."

I snorted, "No I'm not, Mr. Know-All-See-All! But I gotta tell you, I'm so fed up with you and your moods and everything."

With tentative steps, Kiddo walked towards me while I continued to berate him, "You are such a pain in the neck, I seriously feel like paddling some sense into you. And if you don't start talking to me real soon, I might lose interest in your answers altogether."

_Not bad, Portman, not bad..._

He stood right in front of me now, and as usually I had trouble to focus near him. "I'm not kidding, Edward," I finished lamely, "read my mind!"

"I do," he simply said, cupped my face with both hands and kissed me.

 _Oh shit_ _…_


	17. The things you can't Google

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love - we can't live without it  
> Why do we go out and get it, just to turn around and doubt it?  
> Like we're scared to care - it's hard to talk about it  
> Aw... it's only a dance  
> Tonight the shadows had their say  
> There's a sucker born a day, I heard them say, born to lose  
> Am I a sucker to love you?
> 
> "Sweet Sucker Dance"  
> (Joni Mitchell)

 

Upper lip, bottom lip. My lips had kept each other company all my life, together in perfect harmony. I never knew a pair of lips could feel lonely until Kiddo cupped my face and gently pressed his lips on mine to complete them. They gave in to his kiss without hesitation, parting all too willingly. His tongue swept against mine, not invading but wooing, almost shy, asking for permission. And it was granted, with all my heart.

"Thank you," he whispered, pausing just long enough to get those two words out.

_For what?_

I meant to ask it aloud, but I felt too inebriated to speak. The kiss was tender and sweet, and right now I didn't care enough for an answer to break it. His thumbs caressed my cheeks; his fingers brushed the sensitive spots behind my ears. I blissfully sighed into his breath.

"Thank you for forgiving me," he answered my unspoken question as his mouth brushed along my jaw. I wanted to turn my head in an attempt to couple my lips with his again, but my neck was like jelly in his hands. Bending me into shape at his convenience, he kissed my cheek, my temple, my earlobe, and breathed against my ear, "I'm so thankful you're here. I'm so god-awfully thankful you didn't run away, Annie."

I staggered a little and stumbled against his chest. One of his hands quickly went to the small of my back, steadying me. "What... hey, don't fall!"

_I fall for you, Kiddo..._

"Sorry," I mumbled. With my nose in the dent between his collarbones, I inhaled deeply, delighted with his scent, and giggled. He kissed the top of my head. "I got you, Annie. Are you drunk?"

_Punch drunk. Love drunk._

"Beer," I said. Though I knew it wasn't because of the alcohol in my system. This was different. I was getting high on his pure presence and drunk on his ministrations. As if the few hours away from him had zeroed any desensitization to his touch I might have gained during the last two days. His hands and his mouth were poison and medicine all at once, intoxicating and healing. He was…

…  _like a drug to me. My own, personal brand of heroin._

I felt him shaking his head, and he snorted, "Law!"

"Yes," I said, "he was so warm..." Kiddo stiffened. "It!" I hastily clarified, "I meant 'it' – the beer, it was warm!" Kiddo relaxed.

I felt his head move again, this time he nodded yes. With his face still nestled in my hair, he said, "The fridge is broken." And after a moment, he added, "This is a weird conversation."

"Yes, it is." I answered, and the next moment we both shook with suppressed laughter.

I looked up at him, and when I saw the smile in his beautiful face, the words slipped out from me before I knew it, "I missed you."

His smile faltered and he blinked a few times, just as surprised as I was about my confession. Then his green eyes grew soft; he exhaled loudly and pulled me into a tight embrace. "Annie, I... God, I missed you too!"

Immediately, I felt less like a ragdoll in his arms. My body finally remembered there were arms attached to it too, and knew how to use them. I hugged him back, happily.

_Now... am I being good to him, or what?_

x-x-x-x-x

"Whatever it says, just know, it is ten times worse. I'm a freak even among the freaks."

I let go of Kiddo's laptop and threw my hands up in the air, moaning in mock exasperation, "God, give me a break of that 'freak' shit, will you?" I turned my head to where his chin rested on my shoulder. "Really, it gets boring!"

He took a deep breath. "Can I have an 'ok'?" I asked, hands still up in the air.

"Ok." he said. I leaned back into his chest, reached over my shoulders to pull his head down for a kiss.

"You're not a freak. And now let's get over with this," I said firmly. Then I resumed typing the word 'synesthesia', and hit 'enter'.

After I had filled him in on what Law basically had disclosed to me, Kiddo had been surprisingly calm. He seemed relieved, for whatever reason. Maybe it was because it saved him from telling me those unpleasant stories himself, or maybe it was because hearing about his fucked-up childhood and his current legal problems hadn't scared me away; I couldn't tell. I was just glad that he was cool about it, for a change.

It wasn't even my idea to finally Google his condition. It was him who insisted on doing it. He wanted to get everything straight, or so he had said.

_And I am here to be good to him, right?_

So here we were. Failing to find any appropriate furnishing for two people to sit, we had settled on Kiddo's bed. He was leaning against the headboard; I was sitting between his slightly bent legs, with my back against his chest and his laptop on my knees. His hands rested on my waist, and as the Wikipedia website popped open on the screen, his thumbs nervously started to draw small circles on my hipbones.

I skimmed through the first paragraph quickly; I wasn't very interested in learning about the Greek origin of the word. There was also an illustration, showing multi-colored letters and numbers. The caption said this might be how a person with synesthesia would perceive them. I pointed at it, but before I could even ask, Kiddo shook his head and said, "Kid stuff!"

I scrolled thru the next paragraph that mainly dealt with the 'kid stuff' form of synesthesia, but got stuck when the article pointed out the difference between the neurological synesthesia that was supposed to be genetic, and an acquired condition that could arise after drug abuse, a stroke or temporal lobe epilepsy.

Again Kiddo seemed to sense what's on my mind. "Genetic," he croaked.

"So it's always been like that? As long as you remember?" I asked.

"Always," he answered.

I nodded and kept on reading, getting more and more confused. This was seriously some scientific shit, and it didn't help me to understand kiddo's particular situation any better. I was getting impatient, but just when I was about to utter my discomfort, I found the following:

_'Synesthetes often report that they were unaware their experiences were unusual until they realized other people did not have them, while others report feeling as if they had been keeping a secret their entire lives...'_

I remembered what Law had told me and began to understand how hurtful it must have been for the child to discover that he was not only different, but that his being different was considered to be wrong, and even worse: his own fault! I could see his ongoing hard effort to keep it a secret, and it saddened me. Without thinking I reached behind myself to stroke his hair. He sighed. Without a word he brought his hand up and put it on mine on the track pad, guiding my fingers to scroll further down the page. When he stopped and highlighted one single sentence, I read:

_'Most synesthetes report that their experiences are pleasant or neutral, although, in rare cases, synesthetes report that their experiences can lead to a degree of sensory overload.'_

"Sensory overload?" I asked, "Is that what you are afraid of, when we..." He nodded yes. "And that 'black' thing, when you lose your temper? Sensory overload, too?" Another nod. "Edward, all this is still so confusing, I don't know if I really understand what it is like for you."

His fingers on mine started to move again. This time the cursor on the screen stopped at a paragraph about the various forms of synesthesia; the part he highlighted was headed  _'sound/color synesthesia'_. This was it?

_'...something like fireworks: voice, music, and assorted environmental sounds such as clattering dishes or dog barks trigger color and simple shapes that arise, move around, and then fade when the sound stimulus ends. For some, the stimulus type is limited (e.g., music only, or even just a specific musical key); for others, a wide variety of sounds triggers synesthesia.  
Sound often changes the perceived hue, brightness, scintillation, and directional movement. Some individuals see music on a "screen" in front of their face...'_

I stopped reading and pointed a finger at the paragraph in question, "Is it like that?"

"Worse," he answered, "but yes, pretty much like that. When I keep it under control, that is."

Relieved that he finally had found his voice again, I clapped the computer shut. I was fed up with all that scientific gobbledygook anyway. "But  _how_  do you control it? They say," I tapped on the laptop lid, "those perceptions are completely involuntary!"

"They are wrong," he stated adamantly. "I told you, I'm a fr... special case."

I didn't need to look at him to know that he was frowning his 'special case' frown now. But if he thought he could fall back into his goddamn annoying self-loathing just like that, he didn't know me very well. I was not going to have that. I put the computer aside and turned around, positioning my legs over his and interlacing my fingers in the nape of his neck. "To me, you are a special case for sure, and not in a bad way at all," I told him, smiling. "You know that, right?"

His brows remained furrowed.

_Oh come on, Kiddo!_

"Can I have a smile, please?" I cooed, wrapping my legs around his hips. "In exchange for a kiss, maybe?" Reluctantly, as if against his will, one corner of his mouth curled up.

_There we go!_

I didn't know where this girlish tease persona suddenly came from, but if that's what was needed to get what I wanted, I was willing to just blame it on Law's warm beer and bat my lashes all day, if necessary. "That's so much better," I said softly, and leaned forward to kiss him. God, I loved to kiss him! His hands were stroking my thighs, and the familiar heat started to build, not only in my stomach but also...

_Focus, Portman!_

I pulled my head back a little to break the kiss before I lost my ability to think, and whispered, "Not all of your synesthetic sensations are unpleasant, right?" He licked his lips before he answered, "Right."

I kissed his neck, right under his chin, "Like this, for example... does it have a color?"

He moaned quietly. "No, it is... it has a sound."

I let my hands glide down to his chest, placing more open-mouthed kisses on his neck. "A sound then," I mumbled as I started to unbutton his shirt, "is it a nice one?"

He closed his eyes, and his breath quickened. "Yes, it is." The first button was open.

Without taking my mouth off his skin, I opened button No 2. "But no color, huh? That's too bad, don't you think?" I shoved my hips a bit forward. "What was it the last time, violet? I like violet," I purred and proceeded with button No 3.

His eyes fluttered open. "Please don't do this to me," he sighed, but his body offered no resistance whatsoever. His hands had made it to my waist by now, and he was stroking my ribs with his thumbs.

"Why not?" I asked, finishing button No 4. "Give up control, just for a moment, will you?" And feeling like a true minx, I added pointedly, " _LOVE?_ "

Immediately, his grip on my waist tightened, and he let go a deep groan. "God, Annie... stop. You don't know what you're asking."

I pulled his now open shirt out of his pants, and slowly kissed a path down from his chest to his toned stomach, whispering against his skin, "Why is this so hard for you? What do you need to do in order to put the walls down?"

"Nothing. Just quit the effort to keep them up," he murmured. His chest was heaving. I stopped the kissing and straightened myself to look at him in disbelieve. "That's it? That is all?"

"But I can't, Annie. I will hurt you or… I don't know. It's impossible, I just can't do this." He seemed so very troubled, my girlish playfulness dissolved into thin air. Apparently disgusted with himself, he made a move to lift me off of him. I grabbed both his hands, trying to stop him, and after a small brawl he gave up and slumped against the backrest. "Annie, please…"

He wriggled one hand free from my grip to rub his face and rake through his hair, but his other hand held on tight to mine. He was shaking, or actually more like vibrating, his breath rapid and shallow. I couldn't imagine what he was dreading. "Edward, talk to me."

He kept his eyes on our hands, as he interlaced his fingers with mine, and croaked, "I have no defense for you anyway, Annie. It's such a fine line that keeps me from sensory overload when I'm with you. I'm afraid to lose control. I'm afraid to lose myself altogether, and-"

"But that's how it's supposed to be, don't you know that?" I leaned forward to make him look at me. "It's all about losing yourself, giving up control, and giving yourself away… to the feeling, to the person you're making love to."

He let out a shaky breath, "I don't think I can do that."

"Won't you just try? For me?" He closed his eyes and his forehead crumpled as if he was in pain. "What if we go very slow, step by step?" I suggested. "You don't need to do anything, just relax and let me do all the work, ok?"

A shiver went through his body. "God Annie, I wish I could."

"I know you can. You say that sounds are the strongest trigger? I will not say a single word, I won't make any noises, I promise. I'll just touch you, and..."

_I can do that... I think?_

"...you can tell me if it is too much. Or you can tell me to stop altogether, at any point."

He kept his eyes closed. A single tear ran from the corner of one eye and down his cheek, as he nodded yes. I gingerly kissed it away. "Don't be afraid," I whispered.

_And please... please, don't cry!_

It broke my heart to see him like that. In this moment, I wanted nothing more than to take his pain away and to make him feel free. Free of fear. Free of guilt. Free of restraint. I wanted him to be free to feel pleasure, to feel wanted and special in a good way. I wanted him happy.

I kissed the hand that was still interlaced with mine. "Let go for a moment, I need to lock the door, but I'll be right back, ok?" He did as I had said, and I climbed off the bed. As I crossed the snowscape of his room, a bright red spot on the white desk caught my attention. Kiddo's notebook. Its red cover seemed to be screaming at me, as though trying to tell me something important. And when I turned the key in the door that was green only from the outside, but as white from the inside as everything else in this place, it hit me.

I turned around. "Edward?" He opened his eyes, and I spread my arms in a gesture that enclosed the whole room, "Why is everything white in here anyway?" He didn't answer at once, so I slowly walked back to the bed, holding his gaze. "It is a screen, isn't it? This whole room is a screen!" I sat down on the edge of the mattress. "You give up control when you're alone in here, right?"

He swallowed, and then he said, "Yes."

_Holy shit!_

"So you  _can_  do it. You're doing it all the time."

"Yes."

I was dumbfounded. Why hadn't I seen this the moment I had entered this room? It was so obvious what all this white was for. The absence of any color... no distraction, no interference. He had created a space where he could close himself in to secretly relish his visions and sensations, as if they were illegal drugs.

"And you enjoy it when you're all alone here, don't you? You enjoy being able to give up control?"

"I can be... myself for a little while."

_God, Kiddo..._

I was close to tears. What for Heaven's sake had they done to him? I reached over and pulled the shirt off his shoulders. "Lay down, baby," I said, as he slipped out of the sleeves, "I want you to be yourself with me now."

He sank down onto his back and laid his forearm across his eyes. His hands were clenched into tight fists. I sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

_If he would only stop shaking like that..._

I climbed onto the bed and started to unbutton his jeans. "Try to relax. Everything will be alright," I spoke softly, as I pulled his jeans and boxers down. Other than his troubled mind, his body seemed to know there was nothing to be afraid of. He was rock-hard, and I needed to remind myself to go slow. I stripped off my own clothes, pulled the rubberband out of my hair and lay down next to him. Bracing myself on one elbow, I let my hand ghost over his stomach. "Are you ready?"

"No," he said.

"You look ready enough to me," I teased. He said nothing. "Do you want me to be silent now?"

"No, please... if it is not asking too much, keep on talking to me."

I gently touched his arm. "Edward, love..." I heard another groan rumble through his chest, "please look at me." Reluctantly, he lifted his arm off his face, turned to me and opened his eyes; they were moist with tears.

"Do you trust me?" I asked him.

"I don't trust myself, Annie."

I stroked his face. "Please do. Don't you know how adorable you are, inside and out? That beautiful mind of yours... so captivating. It's just part of what makes you lovable and desirable. You're such an utterly good person, Edward, and you deserve happiness."

With a gasp, he knit his brows and squeezed his eyes shut. Worried that he was about to cry again, I continued, "Let me try to make you happy, Edward. I want it so bad, but I need your help. I need you to open up to me. Please try to relax, just like you do when you're alone in here. Will you?"

"I'll try," he promised.

"That's all I'm asking." I climbed on top of him to straddle his hips. Immediately, his breath became labored and his shaking increased. "Shhh... it's alright. Remember how great we were together in my apartment; remember how good it felt..."

Although the memory got me worked up, it actually seemed to help Kiddo to calm down. He gave me a faint smile and whispered, "Yes." For a moment, I was totally absorbed in the sight of him lying under me... the rise of his chest when he inhaled deeply through his open mouth, and its fall when he exhaled with a quiet, but audible little moan. The slow rhythm was hypnotizing…

With some effort, I turned my attention back to his face. His green eyes pierced into mine, intense. And although his trembling had considerably decreased, I could tell his 'walls' weren't down yet. I knew his gaze wouldn't be that steady, but rather wandering around restlessly, following fireworks and patterns only he could perceive. I had seen him doing it before. But right now, he was still clinging to the bars of his self-made prison.

"Will you tell me when they're down?" I didn't need to explain 'they' for him to know what I was talking about. He nodded yes and licked his lips. Then he reached out his arms for me.

I let myself fall forward and hungrily devoured his mouth. His hands weaved through my open hair that fell around our faces like a heavy, dark curtain, sheltering us from the blinding white outside. For a few moments, we were nothing but lips and tongues. He moaned and bucked his hips under me, and I could feel the velvet skin of his erection twitch against my bottom, the sensation sending hot sparks down my spine.

_Easy, Portman... slow..._

I pulled my mouth off of his, and once again, I locked eyes with him, silently willing him to surrender. We both stayed perfectly still, even his hands in my hair had stopped moving, and I more mouthed than whispered, "Let go, baby. Please... for me. We will be alright."

He took a deep breath and exhaled through pursed lips, three times, in quick succession, like a free diver preparing for the deepest depths of the ocean. And then I saw it happen. His eyes lost focus and his jaw slightly dropped. His hands in my hair resumed their movements and he pulled my head down to kiss me. When our tongues met, he moaned loudly into my mouth, and the sound made my insides explode with heat.

When the kiss ended and I pulled back, we were both gasping for air. His eyes were hooded, and the familiar wandering began... I could see him focus on spots to the left and to the right of me, above and behind me. He was glowing, his angel face more beautiful than ever, registering serene delight in one second, and amazement and wonder in the next. It was a sight to behold.

His hands went to my face, grazing along its features like the hands of a blind man; touching, exploring, learning, drawing a memory map of my face. His gaze was now fixed on a spot three inches in front of me, and a single sound fell from his smiling lips, half a laugh and half a gasp. He was in rapture, and time seemed to stand still as I watched him, entirely enchanted.

I was dying to know what he was seeing, but I didn't dare to ask, too worried to interfere. After a while, his hands seemed to be saturated with knowledge about my face and continued their journey down my neck and shoulders, until they came to rest on my breasts. I felt it was ok to move and straightened myself up a bit to give him easier access. His breath hitched, and so did mine as I reached behind myself and wrapped my hand around his hard length. When I started to stroke him, a great moan erupted from his chest. His eyes widened, drawn to some visual wonder somewhere at the ceiling, and then he sighed, "Oh..."

Encouraged, I lifted myself up a little until I felt the tip of his cock skim my soaking wet entrance. His hips were rocking underneath me, and I knew it would be alright. I wanted him badly; the thought of him cumming inside of me made me dizzy. I took his hands and guided them to my hips. His gaze, which had been fixed on a distant spot somewhere above me, was now slowly following some invisible trail back down to my face. When it arrived there, I slowly pressed down, and with a quiet whimper I buried him deep inside of me.

I struggled to keep my eyes open at the sensation of him stretching me, filling me completely. It was just too good, I couldn't keep myself from moaning.

And that was it –I saw something flicker in his eyes; he blinked a few times rapidly and then he gasped loudly, "Stop!" His hands gripped my hips, hard, forcing me to freeze. Adrenaline flooded my system and I was back down to earth in a blink.

_No, please no..._

We stared at each other, panting heavily.

"Don't move," he said.

"Ok," I answered.

The seconds were ticking by. I couldn't believe the blissful bubble had burst just like that. I tried to shift my hips, but his grip was viselike. "Edward, you're h..."

_Don't say 'hurting me', Dumbass!_

"...you're holding me too tight. Please?"

He let go immediately and pulled his hands back as if something had burned them. I reached out for them and interlaced our fingers. "It's ok, I'm alright," I assured him. "What happened? Have I done something wrong?"

"God, no!" He closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Annie. I just... I need a minute. Please, I can't -"

"Shhhh," I said, and he stopped his apology and swallowed. "You were doing so great, Edward. It was absolutely wonderful to be with you like that. It's ok, just take your time." A brief shudder went through him, and he opened his eyes. I could see doubt and fear in them, but also a silent pleading.

I guided his hands back to my hips and said, "I won't move, unless you tell me to, ok? But baby, I won't give up on you either. I want you to relax and to be yourself, because..." I bent forward and rested on my elbows, the curtain of my hair fanning out around our faces again, and continued, "because your true self is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Edward."

He let go a shattered breath, and whispered, "Annie... you don't know the meaning of 'beautiful' if you haven't seen yourself the way I do." His eyes grew darker and began to glaze over again. He was breathing calmly now, slow but deep breaths, in... out... in... "You are breathtaking, Annie. I have no words to describe the beauty of your true colors, the way they are wrapped around you, woven through you..."

_Oh, Kiddo..._

I tilted my head down to kiss him and his lips welcomed me, soft and warm. His hands on my hips came to life, lifting me up a bit, and his own hips started to move in a slow rhythm. He moaned quietly and pulled his mouth from mine. This time he whispered so low, I had to read his lips to understand what he was saying. "You are sparkling like a thousand diamonds, and your body sings to me."

_God yes, my body is singing operas..._

My eyes fluttered close. The sensation of him finally moving in me, together with those words that flowed from his lips like honey, captivated my entire being. I was his, head to toe. And I could tell he had submitted his body and soul to me by the same token, eventually trusting in himself, in us.

He kept on moving underneath me, maintaining the gentle rhythm, but entering me deeper now, and I rocked my own hips to meet his thrusts. It was a different sort of lovemaking... slow, intimate and incredibly intense. Not even our breathing would pick up pace; it just got louder, intensified and more an more mingled with quiet noises of pleasure.

"Annie..."

With some effort, I opened my eyes.

Kiddo was looking at me... and then again, he wasn't. His eyes were moving rapidly, not only following whatever miracles his exceptionally gifted mind projected onto the white screens of his room, but also shifting back and forth between his visions and reality. I saw his pupils dilate and contract alternately, deliberately meeting my gaze again and again. Tears were rolling down his temples and got lost in his hair. His chest was heaving.

"Annie..." he whispered again.

"What is it, love, are you ok?" I asked between heavy breaths.

"Oh, God..." he moaned, "Annie... "

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I rested my forehead against his and whispered to him, "Of course you do..."

His eyes fell shut. "Annie... I love you, I love you so much... oh God... oh, my God..." I straightened myself as he thrust into me forcefully one last time. He drew in a deep breath, and then he stopped breathing at all and threw his head back. His mouth opened wide, as if to cry out, but no sound emerged. I felt his cock pulsate and pump inside of me, again and again. Without taking my eyes off of his face, which had come undone in ecstasy, I reached down to rub against myself, and within seconds, I was close.

When his long, unbridled cry finally forged ahead, it was all I needed to fall over the edge. I whimpered his name and collapsed on top of him, before his cry ended. But when it did, he wrapped his arms around me, clinging onto my body like a drowning man, with his face nestled against my shoulder. I put my arms around his neck and held him tight, while he still moaned and panted.

After a while, our breathing slowed down and he rolled us onto our sides, but didn't let go of me. I stroked his hair, and asked softly, "Are you alright, Kiddo?"

He didn't move, and it took him a few moments to answer. And then he simply said, "Yes." After yet a few more moments, he whispered, "Thank you." And then his shoulders started to shake, slightly first, but more frantic by the minute.

I kissed his hair and said, "It's alright; cry if you must, it's a good thing." His embrace grew tighter, and he gave a brief groan. "You have to get this out of you, it's ok..." I continued softly, "don't hold back, don't ever hold back again... let it all out. I'll be here as long as you need me."

When he finally went to pieces in my arms, he kept on sobbing helplessly for a long time. I knew it was necessary. And I knew it was healing. I had no idea how many tears were needed to wash away years of painful self-denial and constant fear and misguided attempts to be a 'normal person'. But I knew it was a start. He would be better after this.

He had said he was alright. He had said, 'thank you'.

He had also said that he loved me.

But people say a lot in the throes of passion.

Don't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Wikipedia article I quoted in this chapter can be found here:  
> en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia


	18. Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a lucky girl, I found my friend  
> I've been all around the world  
> Mission Impossible  
> Chasing the rainbow's end  
> Wise guys, shy guys  
> And sly lover boys with big bad bedroom eyes ...  
> I never loved a man I trusted as far as I could pitch my shoe  
> 'Til I loved you
> 
> "Lucky Girl"  
> (Joni Mitchell)

When I was a girl, I had always taken it for granted that one day I'd be a famous artist. A painter, a writer, or both. Childhood was a time of miracles and wonders, and I pictured myself writing an epic romantic novel of such stunning beauty that no one would be able to elude its truth and power.

When I was that little girl, the idea of a middle class, middle-aged single woman writing captions for paparazzi photos of celebs caught in the act, certainly had never crossed my mind.

Like most adults, I couldn't remember when or why that magic had disappeared. And like most adults, I never even noticed it was missing - except for those very rare, often bitter-sweet moments when something truly inspiring would unexpectedly remind me.

That day in the white room, after Kiddo's vehement sobbing had been replaced by occasional sniffles and resolved into even breathing, I  _was_  reminded. A brief blaze of that long gone magic inside of me made me feel young and inspired to accomplish something of great significance in my life. For a second, I was convinced I could still write that one world-shattering story about love...

We didn't move. We didn't talk. We just remained lying there in each other's embrace, still and just being. Two entangled bodies, skin on skin, breathing in measures, heartbeats rhyming, blood humming in tune, while time seemed to be ticking away in perfect quarter notes.

All fears gone.  
Peace.

Later, when the light slowly turned into the soft glow of a September afternoon, every now and then a finger caressed a temple or a collarbone, or gently tamed a renegade strand of hair. Hands slowly slid along the curves of a naked form, stroking a thigh, cupping a breast, grazing the nape of a neck. One pair of eyes found another, and a silent promise passed between them.

All defenses down.  
Trust.

A leg was hitched up. A pair of lips reluctantly approached its counterpart. Mouths and tongues met to explore and worship each other's taste and texture. Blood rose to the surface of skin in a flush, moisture swelled between thighs, and flesh pulsated.

All restraints forgotten.  
Passion.

We made love two more times that day in the white room. The first time, I pulled him on top of me and guided him to my wetness. He took me hard, almost aggressively. He kept looking into my eyes, and when I came, he groaned, "I love you..." Those were the only words spoken in hours. A few seconds later, he cried out my name and spilled himself inside of me.

We both dozed off after that, apparently. I don't remember when and how. Time had lost its meaning. But I remember waking up to his hand fondling me, and his mouth kissing and licking the sensitive area between my shoulder blades. I pushed back against him, and he slid inside of me with ease. This time, he was very gentle about it. His hips moved in slow circles, and right next to my ear he kept on whispering my name like it was his mantra. He reached around me to rub my clit. When I cried out during my orgasm, he clutched my hips, pounded into me twice and then moaned at length with his own release.

The shadow from the cross window was long and pale on the white floor boards when we got up in silence and put our clothes back on; kissing and touching each other casually in the process.

x-x-x-x-x

With his hand hovering over the electric door opener, Kiddo hesitated for a moment. He looked down at me, delighting me with his best smirk. "Are you sure you're ready for this? Some of them are a little... weird."

I turned to the door in an attempt to see anything through the frosted glass, pointlessly. "What do you mean – weird?"

Kiddo chuckled, and took my hand. "Come on," he said, "we better get done with this if we want to make it out of here before it gets dark." When he pushed the button, the double door swung open into a large solarium, which seemed to be the lounge and lobby of Park Road Village, and apparently a popular granny hangout.

Between potted palms, the female residents sat in small groups of three or four each at round tables, chatting away. Some were reading, some busied their hands with needlework. The tabletops were crowded with teapots and cups, spectacle cases, backgammon boards and playing cards. The air was soaked with Eau de Cologne, Broken Orange Pekoe and the sound of a gaggle of geese.

"It's only 20 steps to the exit." Kiddo squeezed my hand assuringly, and he snickered, "Well, theoretically."

And then it happened...

A portly lady with a disturbing purple poodle hairdo was the first to spot us, and after a remarkably short reaction time, she dropped her knitting needles, threw her bulky arms up in the air and squealed,

"EDWARD!"

All heads turned to where Kiddo and I were standing, and then all hell broke loose. Chairs scraped over floor tiles, books clapped shut and cups landed on their saucers, clattering. And everyone called across each other...

"...aww... it's Edward..." - "...dear boy..." - "...come over here, darling..." - "...it's Edward., Charlotte..!" -"...is that your girlfriend...?" - "...we missed you, sweetheart..." - "...you've been very naughty, leaving us guessing for two days..." - "...give an old lady a hug, sweetie..." - "...won't you introduce that lovely young lady to us, Edward...?" - "...it's Edward, Charlotte, look..." - "...my dear chap..." - "...dammit, Charlotte, switch your hearing-aid on...!" - "...the boy is back..." - "...oh, Edward..."

That was the moment I realized that I wasn't ready for this at all, and the exit door on the other side of the lobby became really appealing. Kiddo gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry," he said, "I think I should... I'll be right back." He let go of my hand and walked over to the bedlam, where he was hugged and patted and welcomed like the prodigal son _._

This wasn't a retirement home lounge - this was the Edward Grey Fanclub Headquarters! I smiled constrainedly and acknowledged the gazes that turned to me frequently with polite nods. Kiddo distributed pecks, smiles and flatteries as if they were candies. ' _The old ladies kinda like me,'_  he had said yesterday. Well, that was the understatement of the century. They treated him like he was a pop star, they celebrated him...

_...like he was Robert Pattinson, for crying out loud!_

Kiddo threw me a brief glance and shrugged. Laughing, he ducked away under a hand that reached out to ruffle his hair. Then he bent down to a white-haired, incredibly small and skinny lady in a wheelchair. She had to be 90, minimum, and was the only one who hadn't joined in the granny fangirl screaming by now. I watched in puzzlement, as she cupped Kiddo's cheeks with her frail, arthritic hands and kissed him firmly, right on the mouth. When she released him, she raised her arms as if looking for applause. And actually, a few handclaps could be heard, along with some oh's and aw's. It was surreal. But it was also touching; the fragile silent lady beamed with joy.

"It's a hell of a show, isn't it?" A deep voice suddenly spoke behind me and I almost jumped. I turned around to look into a pair of bright blue eyes, smirking at me out of a tanned, wrinkled face under a broad-brimmed stray hat. Two thin, accurately done braids of grey hair framed her cheeks, together with the white chords of earplugs. They belonged to an iPod which was taped to the horizontal bar of her walking frame with a piece of adhesive bandage.

"Pardon?" I stammered.

The old woman pulled the earphones out of her ears and let them drop onto her freckle-littered and remarkably low-cut décolleté. "I said," she repeated, "it's a hell of a show, isn't it? You will be the talk of the week, just so you know. Are you a relative of our Edward?"

_Oh... 'your' Edward, it is?_

"No, I'm not." I said, "We're friends."

"Friends?" Her eyebrows went up so high that the hat was tilted back. "How come I don't know you?"

_What the fuck...?_

I should have told her to mind her own business, but for some reason I felt annoyingly intimidated by the astute lady. "We just met, so we're um... new friends."

She leaned forward on her walker, and laid a multi-ringed hand on my shoulder. I could hear the treble version of _'California Dreaming'_  frizzle out of the dangling earbuds, as she whispered into my ear, "Listen, little lady – I have no idea what you're pulling off here, but I tell you this: I feel very protective about that kid. I know he is quite a cutie who can make your most precious parts tingle, but just in case you haven't noticed yet, he isn't playing in your age group. So I will keep an eye on you, do you get me?"

Before I could lift my jaw off the floor again and even think about a proper retort, she shoved herself past me and whooped, "Edward! What took you so long? Did you donate a kidney?"

"And what if I did? Would it save me from your devastating wrath?" Finally released by the fangirls, Kiddo walked towards us.

"Not really. Because I like to kiss and make up," the woman chuckled and pulled him into a tight hug, "Come here, Kiddo..."

_Come here, K... what?_

"I see you've met my friend Annie already?" he said as they let go of each other.

"Well, we didn't quite make it to the point of a real introduction yet – ts, ts, ts..." The braids swung from side to side as she shook her head, "Where are my manners? I'm Edward's  _friend,_  Lucy. You can call me Lu. Glad to meet you."

I took the hand she was offering, and answered as pointedly as she had done, "I'm Edward's  _friend,_  Annie, and I'm glad to meet you too. Unfortunately, Edward and I were just about to leave, so..."

Kiddo gaped first at me, then at lunatic Lucy, then back at me. He blinked a few times.

_Yeah, synesthetisize that!_

"Awww... too bad indeed," Edward's  _friend_  Lucy purred, "You need to visit me next time you come here, for tea and some nice girl talk, what do you think?" Not waiting for my answer, she turned to Edward. "See you later then? Don't forget our date tomorrow."

"I won't," he promised, and they hugged again.

Lucy glanced sideways at me as she patted his back and said, "You're looking good, Kiddo, a bit of happiness suits you. Take care, ok?" Then she released him, put her earphones back on and swung the walker around. With a final wave of her hand, she moved away from us, singing loudly...

" _...and the sky is grey, and the sky is greeeey, California Ca-li-for-nia dreaming on such a winter's day, such a winter's daaay..."_

"She's terribly out of tune," I stated, not only referring to her singing.

Kiddo nodded thoughtfully, "I know."

"Why does she call you Kiddo?"

"Why do you?"

I snorted.

"Come on," he said, "let me walk you home."

x-x-x-x-x

Leaning against the front door of my house, I blindly fumbled for the keys, while Kiddo and I were kissing goodbye for the fourth or fifth time. Well, I wasn't really counting. "Will I see you tomorrow?" he asked, and gingerly sucked at my bottom lip.

"Mm-hm," I answered, returning the favor. I finally got a hold of the keys and pulled them out.

He rubbed his nose against mine. "Ok, I'll pick you up at the station, if that's ok with you... oh, fuck!"

I winced. "What?"

"I promised Lucy to... I can't come, I have an appointment tomorrow night. I'm going to help Lucy with her Lieder recital."

"Oh," I said. I didn't like the thought of not seeing Kiddo the whole day. It was kind of frightening how much I didn't like that thought. "Why don't you come in and... stay?"

His eyes lit up. "You want me to?" I nodded, smiling at him. "God, Annie, like you'd have to ask..." he sighed and pulled me close. His hips crashed into mine, and what I could feel there left no room for questions. After we had kissed hello again for the fourth or fifth time – I still wasn't counting - he suddenly stopped, a little breathless, and moaned, "I can't stay, dammit. I didn't bring my backpack."

_Fucking son of a backpack bitch!_

"Fuck!" was all I could say, disappointment washing through me.

"Exactly." he chuckled, "You have a way with words, Annie."

"You can come in and stay for a bit though, right? And then go home and check your blood sugar and everything, right? Next time you bring extra insulin and gear and we'll store it in my fridge."

_What are you talking about, Portman? You might as well ask him to move in right away, with that!_

Kiddo had caught my slip, too. He looked at me incredulously for a few seconds, but then a genuine smile lit up his face. "That's a good idea, I think. And I'd love to stay with you for a while tonight."

"Ok." I turned around to open the door, but I was a bit shaky and had trouble getting the key into the lock. On top of that, Kiddo's hands were grazing my hips from behind and I could feel his erection press against my ass, which was a little distracting, to put it mildly. When the lock finally clicked open, he snickered into the nape of my neck and his hot breath made me shiver.

As soon as we stumbled inside, Kiddo let go of me with a gasp and stiffened. The ground floor apartment door was wide open, and a treacly voice lilted, "Annie, daaarling...!"

I shook my head with a sigh, but smiling. "Nice to see you too, doll. Can I help you with anything?"

Instead of an answer, the doll from apartment No1 winked at me, gave Kiddo a wistful once-over and purred, "Helloooo, gorgeous...!"

"Oh, please..." I couldn't help but giggle, "Edward, meet my naughty neighbor, Alice – Alice, this is my friend Edward. Behave yourself girl, ok?"

"If you insist...," Alice said, the cherry red lips pouting.

Kiddo was staring at the hummingbird-like vision in front of him. Actually, he was gaping, taking in Alice's appearance, from the shiny black wig and the screaming rainbow make-up, over the tight satin corset and the matching panties, down to her net stockings and purple patent leather heels. The poor boy looked like he needed to be rescued from sensory overload.

_No synesthesia here, Kiddo – I see it too. It's just Alice._

Handing him my apartment key, I said, "Why don't you go upstairs and make yourself at home? I'll be with you in a sec." Kiddo took the key, turned on his heels and hastily moved for the stairs.

Halfway up, his usually polite demeanor got the better of him, and he paused. Bending over the stair-rail, he nodded towards Alice and said, "Nice to meet you. Um... bye." And off he went.

Alice looked at me with eyes as big as fried eggs and mouthed, "Oh. My. God... cuuute!"

"Hands off, Alice! And calm down, ok?" I rolled my eyes, "I need to ask you a favor..."

"Anytime, darling, you know that. But first you need to tell me what the hell you did to James; the poor hottie is inconsolable! Did you break up with him or something? Is it because of that breathtaking slice of cream tart waiting for you upstairs? Jesus, where did you find him, and are there more of his kind? And did you notice that baby doll had a boneroni when he looked at me? Ay chihuahua! Annie, did you see that bulge? I swear, my own middle leg was just about to-"

"Alice!" I grabbed the square shoulders in front of me and shook them. A very effective maneuver if you need to shut up a wired drag queen.

"Wha-ha-hat?" she demanded, holding on to her wig as I rattled her.

"Calm the fuck down, or else I'll call you Eric!" I hissed.

"No, you won't!"

"Don't dare me! Jesus Christ, yes, I saw the...  _bulge_. And it was already there before we came inside, so no need to wet your panties, ok?"

"It was... bef...? Holy Judy!" Theatrically, Alice clutched her chest with both hands. "So it is true what James said, my beloved fruit fly is a cougar and proud of it? And that adorable cupcake upstairs is your-"

"Eric!" This time I shouted, and Alice winced. She held both hands up in defense, nodding frantically, and then she pretended to lock her mouth and threw an invisible key over her shoulder.

"You wanted to ask me a favor, darling?" she twittered, batting her fake lashes.

I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched my nose between my thumb and index finger, internally counting to ten. Apparently, Tom had been pretty informational in my absence. I made a note to myself to have a very serious conversation with him, in the very near future. I couldn't let him run around and tell the tale of Annie and her violent boy toy. Especially now that I knew about Kiddo's probation.

"Annie? Are you ok, darling?"

"Yes," I patted Alice's cheek, "I was just thinking... did James say anything else? Anything remarkable?"

"I thought everything he said was pretty remarkable, to be honest. He almost burst out in tears, I tell you. Said you dropped him for a super young lover, practically a kid. I couldn't believe it, so..."

"So you decided to sit in ambush to see if I'd bring him home, yes?" Alice blushed, and I chuckled silently. "You are incredible."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but oh..." she literally jumped up and down, "it is true, and he is such a Baldwin. Nice pecs underneath that shirt. And he almost looks like Rob!" The way she said it, it sounded like  _Rawwb_. "What's the name of Mr. Sex-on-legs, huh?"

"Alice! I just introduced you to each other, didn't you pay attention?"

"No, I was bliss-tracted. Is his hair as soft as it looks?"

I sighed, "His name is Edward."

"GAHHHHHH!"

I pressed my hand on her mouth before my ears would start to bleed from her piercing, high-pitched squeal. Alice's eyes made a serious attempt to pop out of her head – thankfully, three to four layers of clotty mascara kept them in place.

"Hif mame if Ebwarb? E lookf like Rawwb and hif mame if Ebwarb?" she mumbled into my palm. I removed my hand, and she gasped, "No shit?"

"No shit," I confirmed.

Anyone who thinks Twilight fangirls were crazy, has clearly never met a gay Twihard! Alice had taken off her wig and now used it to fan herself as she kept on chanting quietly, "ohmygod... ohmygod... ohmygod..."

I rolled my eyes. "Ok, listen..." I started, trying to ignore her dramatic performance, "Are you still lusting for my couch?"

Alice froze, and her voice dropped two octaves which made her disconcertingly sound like Russell Crowe. "Are we talking about THE couch? The couch that I was willing to part with my left nut for, if you'd only agreed to sell it to me? Designer couch, single item, black leather?"

"Yes. Still want it?"

"What has happened to ' _only over my dead body'_?"

"I changed my mind. It is... it makes noises. Do you want it, yes or no?"

Alice looked at me suspiciously with narrowed eyes, swinging her wig in small circles, thinking. I started to get impatient and sighed with ostentation.

"Ok," she said. "Tell me when and where, and who I'm supposed to kill, and we have a deal."

"No corpses. I want you to help me redecorate my bedroom, that's all." Alice's eyebrows went up, and her mouth formed a surprised  _'oh'_. "I want you to paint it, to be more precise," I explained, "Can you do that?"

"Of course, darling, I'd love to! Is it for your new young-?"

"Can you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself?" I cut her off.

"Sure, sure. Just tired of the vanilla walls, huh? Ok, what are we going to do... purple? Dark blue? Or..." she waggled her brows, "...a sexy wine red?"

"White, Alice. I want them white."


	19. Edward's Notebook, Pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't breathe easy  
> Can't sleep at night till you're by my side  
> No, I can't breathe easy  
> I can't dream yet another dream  
> Without you lying next to me there's no air
> 
> "Breathe Easy"  
> (Blue)

 

**(Edward's POV / from his Notebook)**

**  
**

_**Tuesday, Sept. 29** _

_I haven't written anything in a week._

_Not since the day I introduced you to Law and I was sure he'd steal you because of that glow between you and him. A week has passed since you came to my room to prove me wrong._

_You came to my white room to save me._

_How come I haven't written a single word since then?_

_I just realize that the only time I write is when things are fucked up. I'm browsing this journal, and it is full of fucked up moments. My depressing 'Journal of Fucked-up Things'._

_I'm not like that anymore._

_I haven't written anything in a week because, against all odds, this last week has been the best week of my entire life. And I just now realize that I simply used to skip the good things that have happened to me. There have been good things every now and then; I just never wrote them down._

_I didn't believe in the good things._

_Good things weren't meant for me and would be taken away from me sooner or later. Usually sooner. And there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't want them to be in this book to remind me of what I'd lost._

_I'm starting to believe in the good things now._

_I let them show. I look at them._

_It was blindingly scary at first, white flashes whenever I tried to open up to them. The first one almost burned me. It was when Annie called me a good person who deserved happiness. A massive flare-up, close to physical pain. But I withstood it. Because she meant it. Because she believed it. No flickers._

_She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and she believes in me._

_And though it still feels as if the ground opens up under my feet to swallow me, I'm willing to believe in the good things in return, because that's all she's asking for... a little faith._

_My hands are shaking as I'm writing this._

_She believes in me. After everything she's learned about me. This is big!_

_Not pink and yellow big, but God... it is a mighty wave, and I'm not afraid of drowning anymore. I'm only afraid of losing her, afraid that she could disappear._

_Yes, I still brace myself for the day she'll leave me.  
Faith – it's not easy. But I try, I really do._

_I'm starting my 'Journal of the Good Things' today.  
Beginning with my chronicle of the previous week._

_For you, Annie. Because I owe you.  
And because I WANT to have something to remind me, once you'll be taken away from me again._

_At least it won't be as if you'd never existed..._

x-x-x

_**Tuesday, Sept. 22** _

_(7 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_I'm trying to write more coherently than I used to do. I want all of this to make sense when you read it. Because I think you will read this one day. I know you've read my journal before; I saw it in your patterns when I took it out that morning in your bedroom. The sight of it did weird things to you. I didn't intend to read you like that, it just happened. I'm always too open in your presence._

_I don't mind that you read my journal. I want you to know me._

_This is new too, not wanting to hide. Not being on guard all the time. It actually stretches back to include our very first conversation on the train when you encouraged me to talk about myself. Do you remember your talking lesson? You were killing me, Annie. You ripped me open before I knew it. From the very beginning, I was at your mercy, unprotected. I can't remember when I had ever been that unshielded before, but somehow I was able to deal with it._

_It was a miracle. I loved you right then._

_Every day with you is full of miracles. But I still can't wrap my head around everything that happened that day when you came to my room and told me that you wanted me to be myself with you. I feel like I'm starting my life all over again, like I'm starting LIFE finally._

_I'm a newborn. I feel like I died and was reborn. It was a nameless relief, but also a searing pain... like drawing in the first lung-ripping breath when breaching the surface of the water in the nick of time. It burned._

_If it wasn't for you, I would have never dove that deep in the first place. But I would have done anything you'd asked, no matter how frightening the idea. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep you in my life as long as possible, or drown trying._

_Because I had fucked things up so many times that day, I could hardly believe you were still there with me. After asking you to be my girlfriend, like you were a High School girl? Panicking like a deer in headlights when you found out about my synesthesia? Acting like a goddamn psychopath when I saw that thing between you and Law? Not to mention my numerous failures of the day before._

_I couldn't handle my unshielded self. The stream of perceptions and sensations scared me, but I couldn't keep it from flooding in. I was excited and intimidated and love drunk. Oh, so love drunk. And then I saw the two of you together, and I just lost it._

_I'm sorry about the way I snapped at you and Law. I'm sorry I took it out on both of you._

_You asked me about the Black. It's hard to explain what it is._

_What do I see? How does it feel?_

_Do you know the feeling when you get up too quickly out of bed in the morning? That almost-blackout? The brief moment of nausea and weakness? A little like that. But most of all it is a helpless anger. Like being unjustifiably attacked or punished for something you haven't done, without any chance to get things straight. You know that things will get worse if you don't stay calm, but you can't help it._

_A desperate rage comes over me, and the world turns into a colorless, black and white scenario with just very little light left. It gets harder to breathe, like a heavy weight has been put on my chest, and I literally want to kill someone. As if shedding someone else's blood could stop the unfathomable threat I am subjected to. There's no reasonable thinking._

_It is very physical. And it is very dangerous. I hate it. I hate what the Black does to me, and I hate myself when it happens. It's a monster, existing somewhere inside of me, and the Black unleashes it._

_I don't want to be a monster._

_But as for Law, I was right, you know? He has a crush on you, or maybe he is even in love with you. I don't know. We don't talk about it, but I can see it. He's not doing well these days, and I know we_ _ should _ _talk, but I'm still fighting the Black. I'm getting better at it, but there's no way I can sit down and have that conversation with him, now._

_Is that jealousy? I don't know. I've never been jealous before. But he is so much better for you than I am, by all means. How the hell could I ever compete with Law?_

_He is so easy to be with; I don't even know why he is still single – apart from the fact that his crazy nephew is probably keeping him from having lady visitors. He never says that he regrets taking me in, but I'm quite sure he does. Sometimes, at least._

_I'm running off track, right? Please be patient with me, I'm still practicing to write more consistently._

_I just realized we made love five times that day._

_Once in the morning, after I had almost scared you away with my stupid girlfriend question._

_Then in my room... I never knew it could be like that. Maybe I will find the words one day to tell you what it was like for me. But I doubt it. It changed everything for me, it changed ME. And then I couldn't get enough of you. I couldn't get close enough to you. And for some unfathomable reason, you felt the same._

_And then once again, after you'd met Lu (What was it with Lu anyway?) and I'd met Alice, in your bedroom._

_Jesus Christ, five times in one day? That was five times more than I had ever been intimate that way with a woman before. To be honest, I had never been with a woman that way before._

_I didn't tell you. I don't know, maybe you'd be uncomfortable, knowing you were my first?_

_I didn't want to stay that night, but I literally passed out in your bed. I was so exhausted from everything, the good and the bad events of that day. The sex, yes – that too. And the crying._

_The crying was confusing. I never cry, not even when I was a child. At least I don't remember it. So this is new to me... The crying was very exhausting, physically and mentally. It wasn't good or bad. It was just somehow right. Like taking a shower though you don't feel it's necessary, but then you look at the turbid water running down the drain and you know it was about damn time to get rid of that shit._

_It was dark when I woke up. You were sitting there like the night before, watching me. And there was my backpack next to you._

_Instead of shaking me awake and sending me home, you drove to Park Road Village in the middle of the night to get my insulin. You had borrowed Alice's car and knocked Law out of his sleep to make sure we could wake up in each other's arms the next morning._

_God, I loved you so much that it hurt._

x-x-x

_**Good things I skipped:** _

_It was a good thing that the kid I had beaten to a pulp two years ago didn't die of his injuries._

_If I had killed him, which had clearly been my intention, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. And I would, without any doubt, be in jail right now. Or maybe I would have killed myself. Either way, I never would have met you. So yes, I'm thankful he survived. Even though he was an asshole._

_I love you, Annie.  
And I'm getting better._

x-x-x

_**Wednesday, Sept. 23** _

_(6 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_We said goodbye at the station in the morning, and when I watched your train depart, it was like I would never see you again. I didn't tell you after, but I had a severe panic attack right there on the platform. It was bad. It was ridiculous. But there I was._

_I wished you'd left me something of you, like a souvenir, something I could touch with my hands. Something to witness that you existed._

_I mean, of course I knew you existed. But I couldn't feel you anymore; and I needed that. My newborn self needed guidance, needed you to be with me. I felt so exposed to everything. I was lost. I was disconnected. The fear was back in an instant, and it was worse than I remembered. I wanted my walls back, but none of my mental exercises would work._

_I sat down on a bench, because my knees were shaking so badly, and stayed there, looking down at my shoes for thirty minutes or so, trying my best to shut the world out. As soon as I could trust my legs again I walked all the way back to your house. I needed to see it; I needed to touch the solid wall next to your front door to assure myself that the few last days hadn't been a dream._

_I didn't tell you any of that, it was too embarrassing and I didn't want to creep you out. I stood there, with my hand on the wall, staring at your name next to the doorbell, like I was possessed. But it helped, touching and seeing some evidence that you were real. I took courage from it._

_I know I said this would be my journal of good things. But it's not like I could just snap my fingers and everything becomes new and perfect. No, definitely not. There were several more relapses since Wednesday. But that first one hit me hard, I just hadn't expected it._

_It was Alice who saved me. I heard someone call my name, and when I looked up, I saw her waving down from your balcony. I didn't recognize her at first, because she didn't have hair. She called down to me, asking whether I'd like to come upstairs. I nodded yes without thinking._

_I didn't wonder what to say to Alice or why she was in your apartment in the first place. I didn't care about being late for work. I just knew that up there was my chance to make you even more real to me. Maybe I could find something to take with me, some small item I could borrow to help me make it through the day. Or maybe I could just collapse on your bed, blank out my brain and keep on inhaling your scent until you came home._

_I stood in your living room like an idiot while Alice whirled around, talking nonstop. She almost looked like a man that day. Almost. She wore jeans and a wifebeater with a tight knot in the front so her belly was exposed. She had wrapped a bandana around her head. And of course she had hair, but it was ultra short. Still, her nails were bright red, and I'm sure she wore mascara too._

_It was disturbing to look at her. I immediately steeled myself for the onslaught of static, all fake that she was. But there was none. She was genuine and pure. Absolute integrity. She didn't pretend, she just was. She was pink and yellow._

_I didn't get a single word of what she was saying, I just stared at the colored dots as they dropped off her body with each of her dance-like gestures, leaving shimmering pink and yellow vapor trails in the air. They were brighter when she raised her voice in the middle of sentences, and seem to fall to the floor and bounce when she dropped the tone at the end, in that special lilt of hers._

_I only noticed I was grinning at her when she suddenly put both of her hands on my shoulders and asked, 'See something you like, honey? Or what earned me that panty-dropping smile?'_

_I answered truthfully that I indeed liked what I saw. She responded with a high, clear laugh, and I joined in because the whole room exploded with pink and yellow sparks. She asked me whether I was sure that I was straight, and we laughed even more. It felt good to laugh. She said that you had asked her to paint your bedroom. I agreed to stay for awhile and lend a helping hand._

_She is amazing, Annie - a happy pink and yellow person!_

_I was immediately comfortable around her, it was crazy. She told me that the first name in her passport was Eric, but she adopted the name Alice for her drag queen career, so she was Alice Northman now. She said Alice was her favorite character from Twilight. She winked at me as if we were partners in a giant conspiracy, and I pointed at the dog-eared book on your shelf and asked if this was it. She nodded yes, and I shrugged and said I didn't know anything about it._

_She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. She was virtually scandalized that I hadn't read it. Then she kept on chattering like a wound-up toy for more than half an hour about vampires and wolves while I helped her cover the bedroom floor with a plastic tarp. I told her that I had tried to borrow your copy, but without success. She giggled and offered to lend me hers if I would help her to carry your couch downstairs, which she pointed out was now her couch, and I said, 'Deal!'_

_When we had managed to maneuver the black monster down the stairs and into Alice's place, I must have muttered something like, 'I wouldn't miss that thing and its noises'. Alice laughed, thrust a bucket of wall paint into each of my hands and told me that's exactly the reason why you didn't want it any more. Because of the noises._

_I swear, my heart skipped a few beats._

_And Alice had noticed it too. I saw it clicking in, and then she narrowed her eyes and whispered conspiringly, 'It is you, right? She gives her couch away because you don't like the noises.'_

_I knew she had to be right, but I was too dumbstruck to answer. I stared at the paint buckets in my hands and the big letters on their lids. 'Ultra Pure White'._

_WHITE!_

_I had a sudden adrenaline rush._

_Alice was dancing through her apartment, searching for something and giggling. Finally she returned to me, tucked a book under my arm and lightly patted my ass to indicate that we could go upstairs again now. I didn't even mind that it was a little too intimate of a gesture; I suddenly felt all pink and yellow myself._

_I couldn't believe you were doing this. Was it about me? What did it mean – a place in your life?_

_Alice was positive about it. She said you had to be quite besotted with me if you already cared about species-appropriate keeping. I swear, those were her exact words._

_I wanted to believe it too, because this was way better than just sneaking away with your pillow or something. Knowing that you were doing this for me carried me through the day._

_It was a damn good thing._

_Only comparable maybe to the moment when you surprisingly showed up in the middle of Lu's Lieder recital that night... your face, and the look in your eyes, when you watched me play the piano._

x-x-x

_**Good things I skipped:** _

_It was a good thing that Law came into my life._

_I never even knew that Mom had a younger brother until he suddenly was there to bail me out of jail. I wasn't very grateful. I didn't trust him, like I didn't trust anyone. He suddenly appeared out of nowhere and said he'd been rambling around for years, until the motorbike crash had put a sudden end to his globetrotter existence. The way he talked to everybody concerned with me and poked his nose into my records annoyed the shit out of me. He got me a lawyer, against my will, and somehow convinced the court to let me fulfill my charitable work at Park Road Village under his supervision._

_Law is definitely a good thing that has happened to me. He is a good guy, and truth to be told, I don't_ _know where I'd be now without his help. I never told him that. I guess I should. And yes, he believes in me too. Obviously. How could I not have seen this earlier?_

_I love you, Annie.  
And I'm getting better._

x-x-x

_**Thursday, Sept. 24** _

_(5 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_I couldn't wait to finally pick you up at the train station on Thursday night._

_However, it hadn't been as bad as the day before - no panic attacks. To a certain extent I had managed to put up my walls again while you were gone. But whereas I had found peace in that self-induced numbness in the past, I hated that feeling now._

_I had used my lunch break to help Alice with the finishing touches in your bedroom. Some time midway, she officially offered me her friendship, like it was a contract I had to sign. And she sounded as if there was the term 'life long' somewhere in the small print. Regardless, I told her I'd be happy to call myself her friend. We hugged, and she said, 'It's ok, you and I are gonna be great friends.' When I left, I felt like I'd been extraordinarily social, and I was a little proud of myself._

_A very unfamiliar feeling. But a good thing._

_I got more and more anxious during the afternoon, but it was bearable. Law laughed at my nervous demeanor and prompted a mild episode of Black which almost made me lose my shit, but I fought it and stayed calm._

_And then it was almost time. I headed for the station, only stopping once to collect what I had bought for you that morning, and then I waited on the platform for the best part of my day to begin._

_Like always I could breathe easier as soon as I saw you. It was like when you have a nasty headache and you finally feel the pain meds set in. The tension that never left me in your absence decreased within seconds._

_When you stepped off the train you hugged me and smiled at me. I opened wide and took all of you in, and it felt so much like home that I moaned with relief. You still wouldn't kiss me in public, but I didn't mind. I was just happy you were there. It was inebriating to have you back and be able to let my shield down. A good thing._

_You demanded to know about the little box I was carrying but I told you it was a surprise and that you couldn't open it before we were at your place._

_You said you had a surprise for me too. That was when I realized that you had no idea about Alice's and my collaboration on your bedroom renovation. With no experience whatsoever in receiving presents and surprises, I couldn't decide whether to tell you the truth or to play dumb. I didn't want to spoil the joyful anticipation that radiated from you and just hoped for my new friend Alice to handle the situation._

_When we arrived at your place you dropped your bag and jacket and pinned me to the wall of your hallway, kissing, giggling and whispering to me how much you had missed me. You looked so confused when I pulled back and used my free arm to stop your more than welcome endearment._

_I explained to you that what was in my box couldn't wait any longer, and you looked at me warily. I suddenly felt insecure about what I had bought for you. And then you said we should better get over with whatever it was, because you couldn't wait any longer either. You winked at me and we both laughed._

_The laughing is almost as confusing as the crying. For the same reasons. I've never laughed so much in my life. But I can easily laugh with you. And well, with Alice too. It's a good thing._

_When I unbolted Carlisle's cage and held the small box against the opening, your eyes widened and you breathed an excited 'Ohmygod'. You gasped when the young budgie hopped into the cage. I was beyond thrilled with your reaction. My heart was throbbing so loud, I was quite positive you could hear it._

_After two more 'Ohmygods' you literally tackled me and threw your arms around me. You bombarded me with questions, without even leaving me enough time to answer, but I didn't complain. I was just watching you, enraptured and totally love drunk. I bit back the three words that wanted to burst out of me, because I knew they would probably put a sudden end to your enthusiasm. You insisted that I should think of a name for the bird, and I promised to come up with something, internally making a note to myself to check that Twilight book for a good name, because that would probably impress you._

_No one in the room, however, was happier than Carlisle. He bolted to and fro on his perch, feathers ruffled, chirruping and nodding his little head frantically. His new mate shyly squatted in one corner, stiff and silent. But I knew she would be alright, she just needed time to adjust to the new situation. I felt for her though – I knew quite a bit about adjusting problems myself..._

_I had spent an hour in the pet shop, sitting in front of the aviary to pick the right one. When the irritated looking salesgirl came to ask me whether I actually intended to buy something or just wanted to fluster the birds, I had found the perfect pal for lonesome Carlisle. She had beautiful colors, on both counts. It was a good thing._

_When you took my hand and said that now it was your turn, I got nervous again. I had relied on Alice to help me, but she wasn't there. You lead me to your bedroom and told me to close my eyes. I obeyed, still undecided what to do. I heard you open the door and then you hollered, 'Taadaa!'_

_I wanted to open my eyes, but I knew in an instant that my pathetic acting skills wouldn't fool you. When I was just about to spill, you shut me up with a kiss, and said, 'Thank you for helping to turn my bedroom into a screen.'_

_I looked up and found myself in a room, different from the one that I had left earlier that day. The walls were not only white, they were blank now. The framed posters I had hung up a few hours ago, were gone. The broad wardrobe was hidden behind a white curtain, and so was the window. A white rug covered the floor, and white cloths cloaked the nightstands._

_You clapped your hands like a little girl and explained to me between giggles that Alice had called you yesterday as soon as I had left your apartment, and that she'd told you everything. So you two had hatched a plot to surprise me nonetheless._

_I was speechless, and pretty much remained speechless for the rest of the night. But I need to tell you now how incredible this gift of yours is. You made room for me in your life, for my true self. Not only do you tolerate who I am, you embrace me. I can not thank you enough._

_I should have told you right away, but you snatched the white blanket off the bed and pulled me into the living room, leaving me no time to compose myself. You spread the blanket on the floor, right where the couch used to be. And when you undressed, explaining something about 'fresh color' and 'evaporation' and not 'ready for use yet', the only thing I could still articulate was your name. And it was a good thing._

_Three good things actually, as the night progressed._

_I guess I just started to develop a sense of humor? What do you think?_

_God, I miss you. Every single moment, I feel your absence physically.  
I'm counting the hours._

_x-x-x_

_**Good things I skipped:** _

_It is a good thing that my probation will end in 99 days._

_I never thought about what to do with my life once I'd be free to go wherever I want. I didn't expect that 'freedom' to last long anyway. It's always been just a matter of time for the Black to fuck things up again, so why make plans?_

_That too has changed. It's scary though, because I honestly have no fucking idea what to do with my life. But I want to try to become the good person you mistakenly already think I am. So doing something that has a meaning is certainly going to be a part of it._

_I love you, Annie.  
And I'm getting better._

_x-x-x_

_**Friday, Sept. 25** _

_(4 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_I woke up in a silly sentimental mood on Friday morning. Don't laugh... I thought, 'anniversary'. Ok, laugh! I know..._

_It's a week now. I can't believe it is_ _ just _ _a week now. It feels like you've been in my life forever. In my life and in my heart. MY heart? Fuck, my heart isn't mine at all. No more. Is there such a thing like phantom heart pain? If so, that's what I feel when you're not with me._

_That night in the park... god, you scared me to death. I never really talked to you about it, right?_

_From the moment I got off the train, I knew you were following me, but I had no idea why. First, I thought you were maybe a relative of someone I had messed up or maybe a PI. My paranoid self gave me the craziest of ideas, and things were starting to get black. I knew I should have run to not make things worse, but I couldn't. I was in full Black mode when I stopped and waited for you to appear; I was so angry! All I could think was, who is doing this to me, and why?_

_And then you just said 'Hi!', and for a second you sort of flared up; a warm and bright yellow spot in midst of my raging Black. Sparkled up and died down in a blink. I wasn't even sure I had actually seen it. And most certainly, I hadn't allowed myself to see anything like that._

_I asked you whether you were following me, and when you said yes, it happened again. And this time it didn't fade. You were glowing like a campfire in the darkest of night. That was the moment when I realized that I was unshielded – against my will. You had unshielded me!_

_I nearly attacked you physically, demanding to know WHY? Yes, my question was not about the reason why you'd followed me; it was about why – and how! - you'd ripped away my walls._

_Then I think I sort of growled at you? You were scared, but your colors only brightened more the closer I got to you. I would have hurt you in my anger, Annie, badly – but I couldn't bring myself to destroy the beautiful bright spot that was you._

_I didn't even want to see it, I didn't want to read you, but there was no escape. It's not like those things would disappear when I close my eyes, you know, and my walls lay in ruins around my feet. I had no defense for you from the very first moment._

_And then all I could sense was your Want. The campfire turned into a giant, engulfing wave of heat. It washed over me and everything was pulsating, yellow, orange, red, violet... all black was gone. And you were so pure; your Want was so pure. No hidden intentions, no pretending, just Want. And you said what you wanted, and you did what you wanted. No static._

_I was floating on the wave of your Want for me. Without anger, without fear._

_Can you imagine what it was like for me? Probably not. Were you even aware of the nature of your Want in that very moment? It wasn't just physical, though the red stream was pretty dominant. But there was more. You wanted all of me then. The wave carried devotion, protection, possessiveness, freedom... and yes, love._

_You made me feel like someone who could be loved. I was your child, your brother, your lover, your mate. It was overwhelming, I almost passed out. I gave up fighting it, I just fell. And you caught me._

_I know I acted like a moron. Hell, I came in my pants like a fourteen year old. And then I somehow jolted out of my rapture and I panicked. This couldn't be true, this couldn't be happening. So I ran._

_I didn't even make it to the gate of Park Road Village before I broke down and threw up on the sidewalk, shaking and heaving. I know that sounds terrible, but I was in shock. I had fled you, but Annie – all I wanted to do was turn around and run back to you and feel that Want again. I wanted to give myself to you... my heart, body and soul. I wanted to give you power over me._

_But you couldn't be meant for me. From all I thought I knew, this could only end badly, do you know what I mean? Does this make any sense? I didn't believe in the good things. I got angry again, because I couldn't understand why fate would be so cruel to tempt me with a glimpse of something I - as a matter of fact - could never have._

_I tried to put my disentangled self together again. I tried for two days. But it didn't work anymore._

_With some effort, I finally managed to reinstall a few mental filters. Yes - not everything I'd learned in my therapies was crap; some exercises had proven themselves to be quite useful. But you? I couldn't get you out of my system. You had ripped me open, and it was as if a huge hole had been punched through my chest. Phantom heart pain._

_I really wasn't hoping for anything, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, or eat, or even breathe easy again until I'd seen you and talked to you again._

_I'm so glad I did._

_If there's any good thing I can claim for myself, that it was my persistence to talk to you._

_We christened your new screen bedroom on our anniversary Friday. Making love to you is still like drowning. A beautiful death; a glorious heaven. You consume me entirely. You own me, and yet I've never felt such freedom with anyone._

_When I was holding you afterward, the both of us blissfully worn out, I said those three words again. I just had to. And though you didn't say them back – I swear, if I wasn't the pathetic loser I am, if I had anything to offer at all, I would have asked you to marry me._

_Yes, I want to be yours forever._

_I already am._

x-x-x

_**Good things I skipped:** _

_Lucy._

_She is a real good friend. I always thought she's just able to cope with me because she's crazy herself. Because she is. Crazy, but in a good way. It's like nothing could ever be too weird to surprise her. She takes things as they are. But she sees things in a different way too. Like seeing through things. She made me play the piano again. She said my hands were meant for more than just cleaning bedpans in the hospital ward. Lu is one more person who believed in me when I didn't. I guess I need to apologize to quite a few people._

_I love you, Annie.  
And I'm getting better._

x-x-x

_**Saturday, Sept. 26** _

_(3 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_This entry is an epic setback in my journal of the good things. Once again, I fucked things up. I'm not even capable of holding it together for a single week. All I can say is: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, for my impatience, my temper. I'm so sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to hurt you._

_But Annie, you were wrong... so wrong!_


	20. Black & White / Edward's Notebook Pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mess up with the do's and don'ts  
> Easy! Follow the golden rules  
> As I told you recently  
> You have to show some decency  
> To win my love...
> 
> "Do the Right Thing"  
> (Betti Gefecht)

****

****

 

**  
**

_**Saturday, Sept. 26** _

_(3 days ago)_

_For Annie.  
My love._

_This entry is an epic setback in my journal of the good things. Once again, I fucked things up. I'm not even capable of holding it together for a single week. All I can say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, for my impatience, my temper. I'm so sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to hurt you._

_But Annie, you were wrong... so wrong!_

_The things you said, and how you said them. And then the flickering. It was a faint, translucent flickering, but it was there, and I couldn't bear to see you flicker. Not you. This wasn't right._

_I'm not saying this as an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did._

_Fucking Black..._

.

.

.

.

.

_**(Annie)** _

Kiddo stared at the opulent bouquet on my kitchen table; I could see his mind working. He traced one of the hyacinth blossoms with his finger and said, "I didn't know you like flowers. I've never seen any here before."

_Uh-oh..._

I sighed. "No, I don't care too much about flowers. James brought them. I mean... Tom, my neighbor. He came to apologize."

"Ah yes?"

_Uh-oh!_

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, snuggling my face against his back. "Yes, he was really sorry about everything, you know, getting abusive towards you and me. But we talked about it and straightened things out. It's a good thing, don't you think? I mean, with your probation and everything, it's good that he's not going to make a big deal about the uhm... controversy you two had."

"He was very disrespectful to you, and he hurt you," Kiddo stated gravely.

"Tom and I are friends, Edward. We had a fight, he apologized, we talked it out, and we made up with each other. That's what friends are supposed to do."

His tense posture highly signaled objection, but he didn't comment on my little speech. Instead he picked something out of the flowers and held it up; it was a small envelope. "Here's a card," he muttered.

"Oh? I didn't even notice - let's see!" I took the envelope from his hands and opened it, still with my arms around his waist. When I pulled the card out, I knew immediately I was in trouble...

Damn you, James!

" _Have fun, baby!  
When you're done with him, let me know.  
Ready when you are.  
Yours, Tom"_

.

.

.

.

.

_**(Edward's Notebook)** _

_It wasn't the card that made me upset. Not really. That guy is a prick, whatever you say, and friend or not. But he means nothing to me. I can't even bring myself to regret having thrashed him up the other day. At best, I regret that I didn't break his nose for real. Just because what he had written was so incredibly rude. Ok, maybe it made me upset. But not too bad._

_In fact, I considered his bold note as a royal fuck-up on his own behalf, and I was quite positive that his flowers would end up in the trash, or better yet, in his face. I mean, you hadn't even seen the card until then. And now that you had, I expected you to get mad at him. But you didn't._

_At first, I couldn't believe I really understood you when you said it was just a joke about what you and he had talked about. The way you downplayed it, your carelessness when you waved that guy's insolence off took my breath away. Just a joke? Did you really not see what he was aiming at? Did you not feel how those words tainted everything that was between us?_

_I didn't even want to know what you and he had talked about that had made him write such crap. But there was no stopping you. You said he had realized that he had no right to be angry or jealous; since he'd had several short-time affairs himself in the past which you'd never had held against him. And if he could play around for a little variety, there was no reason why you shouldn't take the same freedom. You said, he was 'cool with it' now, and that's why he said, 'Have fun!'._

_God, Annie..._

_You could as well have stabbed me with a knife and turned the blade around with every word. Short-time affair? Play around? A little variety? It hurt. So bad._

_But isn't it ironic? Up to this moment I had resigned myself so damn well to my lowered expectations, that I never really had considered myself to be more to you than a 'short-time affair'. Not in such dismissive terms, but something along those lines. Because that was the way my mind worked. Even after everything that had changed in the past week, every time I was with you I had successfully put those thoughts to the back of my mind. But they would still eat me from the inside in your absence, and I had taken it as a given fact that what we had wouldn't last for long._

_Still trouble believing in the good things, I guess._

_But to hear_ _**you** _ _say those things, somehow hit a switch inside of me. This wasn't right._

_I deserved better._

_This thought... what a rush! I'd never stood up for myself before, never claimed anything. The thought was nauseating, frightening. It scared the living daylights out of me. But the truth of it was overwhelming._

_I. Deserved. Better._

_I know, I once said I didn't mind if you didn't love me back. But that was before you came and changed everything. You changed me, Annie, and there's no taking it back. You told me I deserve happiness. Well, now I wanted happiness! And hearing that you'd sold me out to that douchebag Tom as a toy for 'a little variety', didn't make me happy at all._

_However, it still wasn't what elicited the Black.  
I couldn't even feel it coming._

_I stayed very calm, didn't I, when I told you that I was hurt and disappointed. That I didn't want to be treated like a puppy that had followed you home. That I wanted this to last, wanted you to stay with me. To stay with me a hell of a lot longer than the ridiculous timeframe I had allowed myself to hope for until now._

_I didn't even raise my voice when I said that I wished so fucking badly for you to be mine. To stop being embarrassed about us, and especially in front of that asshole who called himself your friend while he was pissing on your feelings with his dick in his hand._

_For the first time I didn't just take what I was offered, but told you I wanted more. And it felt right._

_I fucking knew you cared about me, a lot! And I fucking wanted you to say so. This time, I didn't leave you the excuse of a passionate moment or post-coital bliss to ignore my declaration._

_And it felt so right._

_We were fully dressed, it was bright daylight, and there was a seven foot distance between us when I said the words._

_When I said, I love you._

_It felt so right._

_Not a hint of a Black at all.  
I swear, I couldn't feel it coming._

_But your next words wiped out every color._

.

.

.

.

.

_**(Annie)** _

"No, you don't!" I yelled at him. "You have no idea what you're talking about. God, you're practically a kid, Edward - you don't even know what love is." My heart was racing. Damn, this was exactly what never should have happened. Worst case scenario!

His shoulders slumped forward and his eyelids fluttered. "Annie, don't..."

_Easy, Portman... damage control. Now._

"Edward, I'm sorry if I've lead you to believe that this is more than a little... romance, but I never promised you anything, right? On the contrary, I told you... that girlfriend thing... look, I do care about you, really, but we can't be... I don't want that responsibility."

_Great! Very eloquent... fuck!_

"Responsib... what? Jesus, Annie!"

"Look, you're sweet, and I enjoy the hell out of you, but we both know this isn't going to last, don't we? You're so young! You'll find some nice girl and-"

"No, Annie. NO!"

I winced at his sudden outbreak, speechless. He'd never shouted at me before. Oh, he was definitely pissed off! He grabbed the back of the kitchen chair next to him so tight that his knuckles went white, and then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Don't fucking treat me like I'm a 12-year-old," he growled at me, "This is not you; you don't mean it!"

"I mean every single word, Edward, I assure you."

"No, you don't!" His fist landed on the table top with a bang. "This is bullshit, you fucking flicker like a broken tube! And how can you let that motherfucker talk like that about me... about  _us_ , and  _not_  give him hell right away? How can you fucking agree with him, just because he bought you fucking green stuff? This is all kinds of wrong, and I... fuck!"

_What the...?_

He was huffing, hands clenched into tight fists, and he opened and shut his mouth a few times as if he wanted to say something, but had trouble getting it out. I guess I should have seen the signs, but I was simply too pissed off myself. Kiddo yelling expletives at me? Banging on the table? On MY table? No way...

"Will you please calm down, for crying out loud? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Yes, I should have known better, but I didn't realize that he was on the edge of a black episode, until the vase with Tom's flowers shattered against the wall right next to my head, sprinkling me with water and porcelain smithereens. I squealed and buried my face in my hands. And then I heard Kiddo shout, wheezing between the words, as if they were strangling him.

"...I ...DESERVE ...BETTER!"

.

.

_**(Edward's Notebook)** _

_I said it. Or rather, shouted it._

_And no bolt of lightning came out of the sky to strike me down. Who knew?_

_It almost killed me to get those words out, they were choking me. They fought me, they struggled to be kept inside with claws and teeth, ripping my chest and throat open in the process, and it took all my strength to not just swallow them down again._

_At the same time, my world was getting dark; I realized I was about to lose my shit while I was in the same room with you, and I panicked. I needed to get out of your apartment, away from you. But I also needed to speak. Now. Speak, and then run before it was too late. With a feeling as if they were cutting me open from the inside, I forced the words out the very moment the Black enveloped me completely._

_There was an inarticulate cry. Heart-piercing. Animalistic. I only realized that I had emitted that terrifying roar myself, when the world around me suddenly erupted in light._

_I remember how I stumbled backwards until I found something to hold on, and I sank down on the edge of the table, shaking and panting. The last fragments of darkness resolved into the margins of my range of vision, and I tried to grasp how I had just made it out of a full-blown Black... just like that. Unbelievable. My head was swimming, and I would have turned euphoric. But then I looked up and saw that the damage was already done. My perception was weirdly heightened, the scene laid out in front of me was painfully bright and sharp._

_You with your back against the wall.  
You with your face hidden behind your hands.  
Your blouse drenched with water.  
Flowers and shards in a puddle at your feet._

_It still gives me a chill as I'm writing this down. God, I can't believe I had thrown the fucking vase at you. There are no words to say how sorry I am. Something like that wasn't supposed to happen... ever! But I'm so glad you weren't hurt; I would have never forgiven myself if I'd hurt you. But I didn't know then. See Annie, I didn't know the vase had missed you. That's why I freaked out._

_I have no idea when or how, but apparently, I had smashed your chair too. I tumbled over its parts on the floor when I rushed to check on you, but I didn't care. There were small fragments of the broken vase in your hair, and you just wouldn't take your hands off your face. You just wouldn't take them off! I could only think, 'Her face! Oh God, her eyes!' I almost expected to see blood running down from between your fingers. I called your name, again and again. I didn't mean to yell at you, but I was half insane, Annie, I thought the vase had hit you._

_I wanted to pry your hands off of your face, but you vehemently flinched from my touch. You started thrashing around, blindly striking at me. I was almost sure at that point that I had seriously damaged your face. And then you screamed..._

_  
_

 

.

_**(Annie)** _

"GET AWAY!"

I screamed at him; I was absolutely fucking hysterical. I couldn't bear him touching me or even talking to me. The only thing I wanted was for him to get out of my apartment. Out of my life.

I definitely had underestimated the nature of his  _condition_ , his savageness. Though he had warned me often enough.  _'The mind of a killer,'_  he had said. I had taken it as a colorful metaphor then, but I saw the truth of it in his eyes, a second before the vase missed my face by a hairbreadth. I had never seen him like this, not even when he had been so mad at Law's.

I covered my face with my hands. Not only to keep any flying porcelain pieces from hitting me, but also because I was quite certain Kiddo would come for me and attack me. In that moment I realized I was witnessing the infamous  _Black_ , and it scared the shit out of me. And when I heard this absolutely inhuman roar along with the noise of something breaking, I burst into tears and started shaking violently.

_Oh God, he's going to hurt me..._

"Annie, take your hands away, please, let me see your face. Annie, please... are you hurt? Let me see your face," he was pleading first, but started yelling soon.

 

 

It was when I felt his hands on mine that I instinctively stroke out wildly and screamed at him, telling him to go away. He stopped at once. Into the silence I heard him whisper, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... God, I'm sorry."

I slowly removed my hands and turned to him. The murderous look in his eyes had been replaced by one of deep consternation, and he held his arms up in a defensive gesture, assuring me that he wouldn't touch me. His lids fluttered briefly, and then he moaned, "Oh thank God, you're ok!"

_Ok? Was he nuts?_

"I am. Not. Ok," I snarled, not taking my eyes off of him, because I honestly expected him to go ballistic once again any moment.

"I know," Edward replied and took a step back, as if to give me space. As if he knew I needed that. My fear and anger slowly subsided. From the corner of my eye I saw the pathetic remainders of my chair. How much strength was needed to break a solidly mortised, wooden chair? This was madness! I looked back into those green eyes, searching for any signs of the Hulk I'd seen in action. But the monster was gone. And somehow Kiddo was gone too. There was just... Edward.

"I can fix that," he said.

I wasn't sure whether he meant the chair, or everything else. But it didn't make a difference anyway. "I don't want you to," I answered, "I want you to leave."

And then I closed my eyes again, because I couldn't bear the way his gaze changed into something like molten emerald. I just wanted to be alone again. This whole Annie-Edward thing, whatever it was, had spiraled out of control. Like an ill-fated relationship in time lapse, to the point of my number one hard limit within just a few days: domestic violence. I wasn't going to have that. Ever again. No testosterone-ridden tantrums in my life. It was a promise I had made to myself a long time ago. It was the reason why I wouldn't let a man sleep in my bed. It was the reason why I'd never made a copy of my apartment key. It was the reason why the story of Annie and Edward had to end right now. I had already broken far too many rules with him.

"Annie," he started, and then I heard him swallow hard. "I can't really explain it, but something just happened. And I can promise you, you will never see me like that again."

This was so much cliché that it hurt. They always promise that. And it doesn't mean a thing. If I didn't stop this now, it would happen again and again, and each time he would promise the same thing, and break the promise the same way.

_Don't listen to him, Portman, you know how this goes..._

"I'm sorry that the Black took over, this was never supposed to happen. I'm glad I didn't hurt you, not physically at least. But Annie, I can't..."

His breathing hitched while he was struggling again, searching for words. And when he continued, he seemed to be much closer than before; I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"Annie, I won't take anything back of what I said. I meant every word. And please, I'm begging you... think about it. Think about  _us_."

I didn't answer. Was he trying to guilt-trip me? Was he really telling me what just had happened was my own fault? Fuck yes; he was following the average wife beater's handbook! And why the fuck did this shit still work? I suddenly felt so terribly guilty I wanted to throw up.

"I know you care for me, Annie. I don't know if you love me. I think you do, but... I don't know for sure. I told you I can't read your mind like  _that_ ; you have to tell me what you're thinking."

_Oh sure... quoting Twilight to make me yield? Son of a bitch!_

"You never said it, and I didn't mind until now. Because you never said that you don't love me either. But you sort of did so today, and this is... it's just... "

_Please, God... Dr. Cullen... anyone... shut him up!_

He drew in a ragged breath, as if he needed to pluck up all his courage, before he gasped out his next words, "... it's just fucking not acceptable."

No matter how much I tried to will back the tears I felt newly welling up – it was a lost cause. And if I kept on squeezing my eyes shut like this, they would only overflow sooner. So I forced myself to look at him, and all I could think of was how gorgeous he was, and how screwed up and scary at the same time, with those demons inside of him that he couldn't control and I definitely couldn't deal with. What had I been thinking? That I was the one who could untame the lion and get away with it unharmed?

_Way to go, Portman!_

But God, he was so beautiful... the way he stood there, his shoulder leaning against the wet spot on the wall. His hand was hovering only inches away from my cheek, he was aching to touch me, but apparently was waiting for some permission of sorts, any sign from me that I would let him. When he moved a little closer, I flinched, and his fingers clenched.

"It's not acceptable," he repeated in a strained voice, "because I do love you, Annie. With all my heart. I love you and I still hope... no, I still  _want_  you to be my girlfriend."

_Fuck! The G-word again... what do I have to do to make him stop?_

"If you really want me to go, I'll go. It will...  _kill_  me, Annie, but if you really want me to -" His voice broke with the last words, but he stood tall and his gaze didn't sway as he finished, "You just need to look me in the eye and say that you don't love me. And I will leave right now."

_Oh?_

And stupid me! Without thinking, I clutched at the last straw he was holding out to me. Too desperate to ease the pressure and get rid of the vise that had closed around my heart more and more during Kiddo's speech, I mindlessly blurted it out.

"I don't love you."

He didn't even blink. As if my words hadn't come across. But I knew they had, and I immediately wanted to take them back as I watched his eyes fall dead... lifeless. He stood there and stared right through me, stiff as a statue, like he had stopped breathing. After a few seconds I noticed that was exactly what he had done.

"Breathe, Edward!" I demanded, and he finally sucked in a noisy breath.

Without another word, he turned on his heel, snatched his jacket and backpack off the floor and went for the door. He paused, with his hand on the knob, but didn't turn around. He just slightly tilted his head, so I could see his profile when he opened his mouth to speak,

"Be careful when you... pick up the pieces."

Then the door fell shut behind him, and he was gone.

.

.

.

.

.

_**(Edward's Notebook)** _

_The words didn't really reach me. It was so surreal to hear you say - actually SAY out loud - that you don't love me... the words didn't even trigger anything in my vision. They were nothing but hollow sounds without any meaning. Colorless, motionless sounds._

_I felt absolutely nothing._

_And then you ordered me to breathe, and I did. Still I felt nothing. The only thing I understood was that you wanted me to go. I think it wasn't before I had stepped out of your apartment and the door clicked shut behind me, that it sank in and I started shaking all over. I needed some time, don't know how long, to fight back the panic attack. And then I just stood there and waited._

_I could hear you move around the apartment as you cleaned up the mess I had made. You were talking to yourself occasionally, but I couldn't make out any words. After a while the noises stopped. And I waited. I wasn't quite sure what I was waiting for, but I had the strong feeling I would miss something important if I didn't stay. My mind showed me different scenarios, like you would call my name, asking me to come back. Or you would open the door and take me in your arms. At some point I thought I heard you quietly say my name, but I knew my mind was playing tricks on me. Yet I kept on waiting._

_I just didn't believe you, you know? I refused to believe that you didn't love me. Every single cell in my body was objecting, crying angrily. Little electric tears. My heart was beating its denial, 'not true... not true... not true...' Yes, like that._

_It was dark outside when I finally gave up waiting for you. Something like embarrassment crept into my numbness, when I realized that I was lingering at your door like a stray. Since when did I care about my dignity? What was this... pride? Self-esteem? You changed me a lot more than we both knew. No, I wasn't going to beg you to take me back. I'd just go. I could do this._

_Sure... I turned to your door once more and listened intensively before I reached out for the stair-rail. There was nothing but silence. But when I slowly started to descend, I heard something, and I think I groaned..._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

"Edward?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I quoted in the beginning of this chapter is from my album 'Do The Right Thing'.  
> You can watch the musicclip here, if you's like:  
> http://audiofiction.blogspot.de/2011/02/do-right-thing.html


	21. Lovebird One, Lovebird Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh you're in my blood like holy wine  
> You taste so bitter and so sweet  
> Oh I could drink a case of you darling  
> And I would still be on my feet  
> Oh I would still be on my feet
> 
> "A Case Of You" (Joni Mitchell)

 

**(POV: Alice a.k.a. Eric Northman)**

**  
**

" _...the morning I wake up... before I pu-hut o-hon my-hy make-up... I say a little prayer for you..."_

I swear, Burt Bacharach is a god! The audition today was my best ever, and despite the cute havable on the piano who kept giving me distracting looks all the time, I stayed completely focused. And I pulled it off live, ok? No full playback lip-synch shit with Alice Northman – I'm a singer, yeah Baby!

Ok, ok... everyone knows that Alice predicts the future based on people's decisions, right? Ha, I had already seen the producers' decisions in their faces while I was still performing. And I wasn't even in drag today; I was sporting my co(ck)stume, all serious artist in my True Religion denim hipsters and black tee... the  _thin_  black tee that makes my nipple rings wave hello through the fabric. And yes, I wore mascara. Because even if my house was on fire, I wouldn't walk out the door before putting some mascara on, ok?

Anyway... they lo-lo-loved me! All they needed to do now was call me and tell me I'm in the fucking show. Yes, life is good!

" _...combing my hair now... wondering what dre-hess to-ho wear now... I say a little prayer for you_ _..."_

Still singing happily to myself, I turned the key in the front door. I felt like celebrating. Maybe my newly love-struck bestie Annie was up for a glass of wine or two? No, certainly not. I shook my head, smiling. She hadn't made it out of her apartment, or better, out of her bedroom, one single evening in the last week. Well, I couldn't blame her; Edward was simply adorable in every way. Lucky girl!

" _...together, together, you're here in my heart and I will lo-"_  I froze when I heard a loud groan from upstairs. I recognized the voice at once.

Holy honker! Were they getting at it in the stairway now?

No, there were footsteps, descending slowly. "Edward?" I asked.

The answer sounded like a sigh, "Alice..."

A moment later, my utterly gorgeous friend came into sight and I clapped my hands, excited with the prospect of sharing my triumph with someone.

"Baby, guess what! I just had an audition for the upcoming show in the "Blue Banana", and I swear, I bleeeeeeew them away! First the producers said I was too tall, go figure, but then Alice, the unstoppable, entered the stage and-" I faltered and gasped when Edward stepped into the light; he looked like bad news. As if all color had left him, crestfallen, absolutely terrible. And oh – that groan just a minute ago? Damn, and I was babbling here like a...

"Sweetie, what's wrong; are you sick?"

He stopped at the bottom step, ran his hand through his hair and nodded yes, wordless.

"Poor baby! Is Annie not home?"

He groaned once more and closed his eyes as if in pain. He shook his head and mumbled, "She's here."

And finally it dawned on me that the love birds must have had their first fight. Couldn't be too serious though, fond as those two were of each other. Yet the little prince seemed pretty worn out. Poor kid, fighting with Annie was no fun, that's for sure. I stifled a giggle and stepped towards him to give him the special Alice First Aid treatment.

"I really think you need a hug. Come here, honey," I crooned, not bothering about the panicked look in his eyes as he tore them open.

I enveloped him in my arms before he could even react and smiled smugly as his body, rigid at first, softened after a few seconds. His arms came up, and he put them around my waist, a little awkwardly; his forehead fell onto my shoulder, and then he whispered, "I fucked it up, Alice. She doesn't want me anymore."

"Ah... nonsense," I mumbled. I was having a little trouble focusing on my solacing task, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that I was holding Mr. Sex-on-a-stick close to me.  _Very_  close to me. Jesus Canoodle Christ, he felt awesome! My pecker came to life…I considered forgetting about showbiz and make comforting Edward my full-time job instead, when he suddenly pulled away and gasped; a scandalized expression on his face.

"Alice! What the fuck?"

_Damn, yes... may I introduce you? Please say Hi to little Eric._

"Sorry, Edward," I smiled wryly and adjusted myself in my suddenly too tight jeans, "I can't help it. Jesus, I'm gay and under thirty - that shit is automatic. Besides, have you looked into the mirror lately? I would probably get a boner even if I was straight. You're just too hot, baby."

"Fuck," he groaned, "that's not funny, Alice, really..."

"Ok," I said, putting one hand on his shoulder with an arm's length between us, "why don't you come in with me and tell me what's going on?"

"I don't really feel like talking right now," he said and hung his head.

Damn, I couldn't bear to see him like this. Sad beautiful pumpkin broke my heart. "We don't need to talk, ok? Just come in and stay for a while. You can't go home like this, I won't let you." He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut in, "Don't argue with Alice, my sweet friend, I'm going to win anyway. Aaaaaand... I have something to make you feel better, I promise."

He snorted mirthlessly, "I doubt it, but yeah... why not. Just please don't hug me again, ok?"

"That's my boy!" I cheered and pulled him into my arms again. He was bristling, but just a little...

.

.

.

Oh boy, cheering Edward up wasn't easy. I could tell he wasn't particularly comfortable with me babying him the way I did, but he was obviously too worn out to fight me off. He didn't even say anything about the leather couch noises; he just dropped himself onto the cushions, leaned back and fiercely rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. I kneeled in front of him, feeling very 'Geisha', to take his shoes off. He muttered a lukewarm protest, but I shushed him and lifted his legs onto the couch, making him lay down. He shook his head, but I think I noticed a hint of a smirk... ah, that's so much better!

"Ok," I said, rubbing my hands, "Since you're not into talking tonight, how about watching a movie together?"

"I'm not into watching a movie either. I don't watch movies," he replied sullenly.

"Oh, but you will like  _this_  one, trust me!"

Holy Judy, spank me if my voice didn't sound like a coked up Canary Bird. I blamed it on the aftermath of my audition high, but hell, who was I kidding? I looked down at him with a shit-eating grin, enjoying the double eye candy of my current two fave pretties combined: Fuckhot Edward horizontal on my fuckhot designer couch. Amen!

"Whatever, Alice..." He closed his eyes, defeated.

"Ok, baby, don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!" I called over my shoulder as I walked – no, as I  _danced_  into the kitchen to fetch some wine and crackers. I was like, hey - DVD night with Edward, yeah! Sorry, Annie, but really... YEAH!

And so, surprise, surprise, we were watching 'Twilight' together. Or better yet, Edward was watching 'Twilight', and I was watching Edward watching 'Twilight'. When KStew's voice started over the Bambi intro, he recognized the prologue and admitted he hadn't read much more than the first two chapters of the book yet because he - gasp! - found it  _'poorly written_ _'_!

"Why did we become friends again?" I wondered loudly, and he actually snickered. Damn, I was good – Edward was relaxing more and more. I couldn't wait for the cafeteria scene, cue entrance: The Cullens. How would he react, seeing himself? I mean, hell, he was like Rob's twin brother. This was going to be fun!

But much to my disappointment, the scene came and passed, and all he had to say was, "Do you think, Rosalie is a good name for Annie's new budgie?"  _What the fuck_ _?_

I answered a little huffily, "No. If anything, it should be Esme. You'll see why."

He mumbled, "Ok," and after a few minutes he yawned and laid his head on my shoulder; which I happily considered the closest to kiss-and-make-up I would ever get. He even allowed me to stroke his hair. I guess he was really down and needed comfort. Maybe their fight had been more serious than I'd thought? Anyway... his hair – man, it was soft and I loved to have my fingers in it. It was really... nice, and I was pleasantly distracted. After a while though, I just  _had_  to ask.

"What do you think about the actor who plays Edward? Don't you notice anything?"

"What do you mean," he asked drowsily, "his bad make-up?"

I sighed. "You're a lost case, aren't you? No, I mean, doesn't he remind you of someone?"

We'd made it to the meadow scene by now, and Edward lifted his head off my shoulder to watch more intensely, which made me regret having asked. Then he said, "No. Should he?"

"Ay chihuahua, Eddy, you're driving me nuts! He looks like you, for crying out loud!" I exclaimed, unable to hold back any longer.

He furrowed his brows and leaned forward, his eyes glued to the screen, where Robert Pattinson was just declaring himself the world's most dangerous predator. "Not at all," he said, "why would you think that?"

Well, maybe Rob's make-up was really bad. I reached under the couch and produced my beloved US Weekly Special, "The Sexy Stars of Twilight". I skimmed through it until I found my favorite Rpattz pic and shoved it under Edward's nose. He stared at it silently; his brows knitted together even more and then he nodded a reluctant yes.

"Ha!" I said triumphantly.

He kept on staring at the picture, and all of a sudden he was sad Panda again. Uh, that went totally wrong. "What is it, honey?" I asked.

"Does Annie think I look like him, too? I mean, is that why she..." He turned to face me, and I winced at how downcast he looked. "Is that all it is about, Alice?"

_Oh, fuck!_

"God... no, silly!" I took the magazine from his hands and tossed it onto the floor. Then I cupped his angel face with both hands. "Listen to me, sweetie, Annie fucking  _loves_  you. She loves  _you_ , ok?"

He looked like he was going to cry. "She said, she doesn't."

"What? No way... why? When?"  _Annie, you stupid bitch!_

Edward turned his attention back to my TV screen where Bella and Twilight-Edward just shared their first kiss. "Today," he answered almost inaudible, "just before you found me in the stairway."

I rubbed his shoulders soothingly. "She doesn't mean it, sweetheart, you know that, right? Won't you tell me what happened?"

He didn't take his eyes of the screen. Movie-Edward had just crashed into the wall with the kissus interruptus, and his tortured face mirrored my friend's expression so much, it was ridiculous. As the famous line  _'I can never lose control with you'_  was spoken, Edward winced and closed his eyes. "This is some crazy shit..." he muttered, shaking his head.

With a strong feeling that our DVD night was over, I reached for the remote and pressed 'Pause'. Rob's face froze; a mask of hurt... not good! I switched the TV off too. Edward kept on staring at the blank screen. I cupped his cheek, which made him turn his head and look at me.

Ok, got it. They had a fight. Lovebird One had lost it and had said something really cruel which she didn't really mean. However, Lovebird Two had taken it to heart, because he was just as over-sensitive as he was sexy. But now Aunt Alice was here, ready to work her magic and fix shit. It couldn't be that bad, right?

"Baby... what happened?"

"I threw a vase at her."

_Oooookaaaay... that's pretty bad!_

"Edward... please tell me, you didn't!"

He shrugged helplessly and looked down on his hands. Translation: Oh yes, he did. Damn, those two didn't do things by halves. Their first argument and they both hit each others' weakest spot with instinctive certainty.  _Great!_

"Honey, did you know that Annie was married?"

His head jerked up. "No! I didn't... she  _was_  married? She isn't...?"

"Divorced," I hurried to say, as I saw the panic in his eyes. Gosh, those green eyes...

"And what-?" He didn't get it.

"Her ex-husband was abusive... when he lost his temper he turned into a brainless brute, ok? Fuck, let's call it what it was – he used to beat the shit out of her, with increasing regularity. She got a restraining order against him after the divorce, and thankfully that piece of shit stays away. But you see how you... I mean, throwing things at her isn't exactly the way to make her declare her love to you, ok? You've probably scared her to death."

_And there you go... he's crying for real now. Jesus...!_

Edward wiped his eyes angrily before the tears that dwelled in the corners of his eyes could run down his face. "God, I had no idea, Alice. She never said anything. I don't know... what am I... fuck!" He let his head fall forward against my shoulder and sighed heavily. "What am I supposed to do? Help me... please, Alice, I don't know what to do." It was almost a whimper.

I raised my hand to gently stroke the nape of his neck, and said softly, "Why don't you tell me what the fight was about, from the beginning, and then we'll come up with a plan to fix the mess you two have made?"

My sad, beautiful friend took a deep breath, and then he told me... everything.

.

.

.

.

_**(Edward's Notebook)** _

I don't know what had possessed me to actually believe you were just into me because I resembled some actor you had a silly crush on. I mean, deep down I knew it wasn't like that. But for a moment, everything just came together... those photos Alice showed me, and the movie. I realized that I had even said a few things to you that could have been taken from that damn movie, and I thought that maybe I had just somehow matched your Twilight fantasies or something. I'm sorry I thought so low of you. I was just confused.

When I heard about your marriage, when Alice told me about your abusive ex, I knew I really had fucked it up royally. I understood why you would have done and said anything just to get rid of me. And I would have understood if you'd never wanted to see me again. I had no idea how to fix it, or if it was even possible to fix it.

If Alice hadn't been there for me... well, there's something strange about Alice. I don't know how she does it, but I already felt a little less forlorn just seeing her in the stairwell. She made me lay down on the couch I hate, and made me watch that silly movie that you two love so much. She made me accept her caressing touches and it wasn't even awkward. And finally she made me spill my guts.

I don't think I have ever talked so much in my life. I told her everything, Annie. About myself, my past and present, how we met, what you mean to me, everything. She is a good listener. She didn't say much while I was talking, except when it came to my synesthesia. She got really enthusiastic about it, it was crazy. She knew what it was. She said she had read a lot about it and found it absolutely intriguing. I had to answer countless questions; she wanted to know every little detail about it. And she made it sound like I had a precious gift or something; she seemed to envy me, actually.

And then I told her about our fight, Tom's flowers and the card and the things you said. I told her about my anger and the Black, and how it suddenly was gone. I told her how I had pressed to hear you say you love me and how it had backfired. And when I finally had told her everything, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me.

Alice once again assured me that from all she saw and heard and knew, she had no doubt that you loved me. She said, that she had never seen you as happy or so open to a man before, and that she really wondered why you hadn't given me my own key to your apartment yet.

She also confirmed that I truly had screwed things up. As if I didn't know already. But she wasn't happy with your behavior either. In her opinion, I had been right to stand up for myself and tell it like it is; she said she really liked me like that - just minus throwing vases at my girlfriend, of course. She had me laughing finally. She is so strange, pink and yellow Alice.

I said that you always refused to see yourself as just that, my girlfriend, and that it was part of what nagged at me. Alice got a bit mad and started pacing the room, muttering something about shaking some sense into both of us. At that point, I was pretty much determined to go back upstairs and talk to you. I felt like we could figure things out, however bad we had fucked up. But she suggested a phone call first.

I told her that we had never exchanged numbers for some reason, and that pissed her off even more. She was all like, 'What the fuck is wrong with you guys,' and, 'You two are like first graders or something!'

She made me get my cell out and hand it to her so she could type your number in. But as soon as she had it, she raised her brows and asked me if I knew that I had fifteen unanswered calls. I remembered that I had switched off the alarm earlier. It could only be Law anyway, but fifteen calls? I looked over Alice's shoulder when she checked them. The last two were from Law; the other thirteen showed a number I didn't know.

Alice squealed because she recognized the phone number. It was yours. I could hardly breathe; my heart was beating so hard I thought it would break through my chest. Alice danced around, laughing and clapping her hands. 'I knew it, I knew it,' she almost sang the words.

I didn't dare to call you back. Your calls could have meant anything... maybe you wanted us to make up, or maybe you wanted to tell me to stay away and that you never wanted to see me again. How should I know? I called Law instead.

He didn't even say hello, he just yelled at me right away, 'Where the fuck are you? I've been trying to call you for hours! And what have you done to Annie? She is out of her mind, insane with worrying about you!' I told him I was with Alice and that I just had muted my cell, and he sighed. After a moment he asked, more calmly, whether I was ok. I said yes, and then I asked him about you and when you had called him.

He told me that you hadn't called but had come to Park Road Village looking for me. I couldn't believe it. You had come looking for me. Law said you had gotten into a fight with Lucy, which he thought was absolutely hilarious, and he wished I could have seen it. Apparently, Lucy had started bitching at you, because you had told her you were looking for your boyfriend. I wanted to cry when I heard that. But most of all I wanted to run and find you and take you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you.

All this time, Alice was cheek to cheek with me, listening and gasping every now and then. And suddenly she snatched the cell from my hands and shouted, 'Hi Law, this is Alice, we'll call you back, ok, bye!' Then she threw it back to me and nearly screamed, 'Call her, call her!'

My hands were shaking so much that I almost missed the buttons...

.

.

.

.

_**(Annie** _ _**)** _

When I got off the train, I picked my cell out of my purse for the umpteenth time to dial Kiddo's number. He hadn't gone home, and no one knew where he was. The nauseating idea that he might have done something to himself because of my stupidity just wouldn't go away.

_Please, God, I know you probably have no idea who I am, because I really haven't talked to you much lately. So just in case, this is Annie Portman, ok? And I'm not asking for myself... but please, please, please... let him be ok! Don't let anything happen to him just because I've been such a stupid bitch!_

The phone in my hand rang, ending my religious moment abruptly, and I jumped. The display showed just one letter, 'E'. In my wild haste, it had been all I could manage to type when Law had given me his number.

_Fucking thank you, God, that was quick!_

I didn't wait for him to speak. "Edward, are you ok?"

There was a moment of silence, before he answered, "I am now... I think."

I couldn't hold back the silly tears when I finally heard his voice. "Oh my God, I was so worried, I thought you... damn, where are you?"

"I'm with Alice. I... I just talked to Law, and he said-"

"Stay where you are, I'm almost there. I can see the house already; I'll be there in a minute!" I half-sobbed the last words, and my feet started to run all by themselves. When I rounded the entry, the front door flew open, and there he was... upright, and in one piece, and so beautiful. My knees nearly gave way with relief.

And then I was in his arms. "Annie..." was all he said.

"I know, Baby, I know..." I answered breathlessly, "I couldn't find you, and I was so scared!"

My beautiful boy. My beautiful boyfriend... we clung to each other, slowly rocking back and forth. It felt so good to hold him and to be held by him, but still...

"We need to talk, Edward."

"Yes," he whispered.

There was a throat-clearing, and then Alice chimed, "Well, you two are quite an adornment to the doorway and I bet the neighbors really do enjoy the show, but maybe you should get a room or something..."

I pulled back to look at Kiddo. His green eyes were a bit moist, but bright. They were full of questions, but I could also see strength in them, a new confidence I hadn't seen before. And I liked it.

"Let's go inside," I said.

We didn't need to get his stuff out of Alice's apartment; his backpack was dangling from Alice's index finger, and she smiled and rolled her eyes when Edward snatched it as we passed her by. We hurried upstairs and had hardly made it inside when we stumbled against the wall, kissing and tugging at each other. There was nothing tender about it, our kisses were demanding, aggressive and needy. In no time, we were panting. So much for talking...

"I'm so sorry for what I did," he whispered against my lips between kisses. "I didn't mean to scare you." His mouth was on my neck now, while his hand caressed my ribs right underneath my breasts.

I raked my hands through his hair, urging his head further down. "But you did, Kiddo, you scared me." I moaned as he cupped my tits and licked his way down to my cleavage.

"I'm sorry," he said again, "I'm really sorry..." His lips closed around my nipple over the fabric of my blouse and he bit down lightly.

My girly bits went up in flames and a hissed 'Fuck!' escaped me. I pushed him away a little to get some room to maneuver, and reached down to unbutton his jeans. He let go of me and both his arms fell down to his sides. He looked down on my busy hands, his chest heaving.

"I'm not sorry for what I said though," he declared, "I meant every word."

There it was again, that new confidence, and hell – it was sexy! Suddenly I couldn't wait to get him naked; I got down on my knees, impatiently pulling his jeans and boxers down all the way. His engorged cock sprang free and I took him into my hand, squeezing gently. I glanced up at him from under my lashes and smiled. He looked slightly confused, apparently waiting for me to stand up again.

"Annie?" he said, breathing heavily. And then his eyes widened, as I bent forward and briefly swirled my tongue around his tip. "Oh, fuck..." he moaned. His arms went up to brace himself against the wall. I had never done that with him before, so he was definitely surprised. I licked him once more, and he groaned, "Jesus!"

It was so fucking hot to see him like this; he was so responsive, I could probably cum just from watching his reactions. I wondered if this was his first blowjob. Stroking him slowly, I said, "I am sorry for what I said, I didn't mean a thing. I was so stupid..." I licked around the tip once more, and he drew in a sharp breath through his clenched teeth. God, I loved this...

"God, Annie..." he whispered between pants, and one of his hands gingerly touched my head. I closed my lips around the head of his cock and sucked, while I continued pumping him with my hand. He closed his eyes. "Oh my god, oh my god... oh fuck, Annie...!" He got really vocal, and I loved it. Jesus, my pussy loved it! I was so wet, and he hadn't even touched me. I took as much of him as I could, and started bobbing my head up and down on his shaft. His legs began to shake, and I knew this would be quick.

"Annie, I... oh fuck," he groaned, "I'm going to... oh God, I... Annie, move!"

I wasn't much into swallowing, never been, so I took his advice and got on my feet. I continued stroking him, as I brought my mouth to his ear. "I want to try, Edward," I said, "I really want to try to be your girlfriend."

His hips jerked and within a second, he came all over my hand, crying out, "Jesus... shit... oh... fuck..." He was so gorgeous. And he was loud, such a turn on. I kissed him ferociously, giving him a taste of himself, and we both moaned in unison.

I leaned my forehead against his, as we tried to catch our breaths. After a while I whispered, "But I swear to you, if you ever –  _ever_  – do anything like that again... throwing things, breaking furniture, lose your temper like you did... I will end this,  _us_ , in a heartbeat."

"I know," he said, stroking my hair.

"So you better try hard, Edward. And I promise I will try hard too. Because I really don't want to end this, ok?"

He swallowed and nodded. "I love you, Annie."

_Ok, Portman... say it! Out loud!_

"I love you, Edward."


	22. How To Be A Girlfriend, Week 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I saw you standing there  
> I said to myself  
> M-m-m here's a place  
> I could break down and care  
> I'll give him my sweet love  
> Taste his sweet love  
> Real sweet love  
> Woman to man
> 
> "Man To Man" (Joni Mitchell)

 

**SUNDAY**

Was there any better way to wake up on a Sunday morning than this? It would have been perfect, if he only wouldn't...

_Jesus Christ!_

"...yes, right there... I... oh... God... fuck, no!"

I didn't actually intend to verbalize my slowly increasing frustration but just couldn't help it. Immediately, Kiddo's head jerked up from between my legs.

He looked at me quizzically, "No?"

The sight of him, all tousled hair and hooded eyes and swollen pouty lips, made me giggle.

"What?" he demanded.

One corner of his mouth twitched, as if fighting the urge to curl up to my favorite lop-sided Edward-smile. I loved his new, relaxed confidence... I mean, how many men do you know who would smirk at a 'no' and a 'teehee' emerging from the woman they are just going down on?

_I know right?_

I giggled even more. "You're looking cute down there."

"Cute?" He rolled his eyes, "Annie, I'm trying to -" He rested his head on my thigh, his breathing still a little labored. "I'm glad I amuse you, but I wasn't exactly planning on making you giggle, to be honest."

My hand was in his hair before I knew it, curling into the silky strands. "I know, baby. Sorry."

He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes. The smile still lingered as he let go a quiet moan, like a purr. He wasn't upset at all, but he wasn't willing to take this setback either. His hands moved down from my hips and under my thighs, lifting them up. I bent my knees willingly and suppressed another giggle.

"Cute, huh?" he mumbled, and then I felt his hot breath on my center, a second before he licked from my entrance up to my clit, and I moaned loudly. Immediately, my breath quickened again.

"God, Annie, you taste so good... I'm not done with you yet. Please tell me... what did I do wrong?" His groaned question sounded muffled due to the pleasant fact that he was nuzzling his nose between my wet lips.

"You did nothing really wrong, it's just, you know... you kind of missed the, um... target, repeatedly, so I couldn't..."

"No way..." he muttered, still muffled.

"Yes way! You were – oohhh..." The point I was going to make was ripped from my conscience, as his tongue once again lapped at my most sensitive spot.

"I missed  _this_?" he whispered against said target, making me shiver. "I'm sorry. Let me try again."

_Yeah, why not? Ung..._

And boy, did he try. My hips bucked under his ministrations, and he groaned against my aching center – the deep vibration adding to the pleasure. Quickly I felt myself spiraling upwards one more time to my release, only to fall down again when I suddenly felt the loss of friction where I craved it the most. I whimpered in frustration.

_Fuck! What's your damn problem, for crying out loud?_

"Edward... please, I need..." Without an exact idea what I was going to do, I reached down and pressed my fingers on my mound. I pulled a little upwards, stretching the soft flesh, which noticeably heightened the sensitivity of the whole area and made my clit stick out. Immediately, Kiddo closed his lips around it and sucked.

"God... yes!" I cried out, relief and pleasure washed through me.

He released me for a moment, looking up at me. "Annie, you're so goddamn beautiful," he panted, "cum for me... I want to make you cum like this." He dove back down and swirled his tongue around my throbbing bud. "Please show me how..."

I arched my back and moaned, "Shit... yes, love." With my index and middle finger forming a V, I shoved my hand down a little further to spread my lips, until my clit rested in the small hollow between my fingers. That was all he needed for an invitation...

In no time he was working me towards an epic orgasm. My legs started to quiver uncontrollably, as he licked and sucked and moaned between my thighs, and all coherent thinking left me.

…  _don't stop … don't stop … don't stop … don't stop ..._

"Mmmmhhhh...," he groaned, which I assumed meant something like  _'Now!'_ , because next thing I felt were his fingers inside of me, and that was it. I came hard, every nerve ending in my body on fire, and I swear I saw the white light. And a bit of fireworks, too. Maybe this synesthesia thing was contagious, after all...

I was still riding out my orgasm when both his hands landed on the mattress next to either side of my head. Our bodies bounced a little and then his mouth crashed on mine; taking away what little breath I just had caught again. My legs were still bent and now trapped under his arms, my thighs pressed against my shoulders. The tip of his hard, velvety cock skimmed my entrance. He didn't need to use his hands; I'm not even sure he intended to enter me, but he slipped in effortlessly, just like that.

_Fuuuuuuuck...!_

"God, no more... Edward, I can't…," I cried, and yet my fingers dug into his back, belying my objection.

He tipped his head back and stilled on top of me, panting. At first I thought he hadn't heard me because he didn't seem to see me either. His eyes were glazed over, wandering restlessly, taking advantage of the white screens of my bedroom. I could tell he was totally lost in his very own enchanting universe of color and light. It only lasted for a few heartbeats, then he forced his glance down. I watched his pupils contract as he locked eyes with me.

"Yes, you can," he breathed.

Briefly shifting his weight onto one arm, he put his free hand under my knee and lifted it to release my left boob which I hadn't even noticed was awkwardly trapped underneath my thigh. I mouthed a thanks, and he chuckled and let himself fall forward on both arms again.

He began moving in me... slowly,  _very_  slowly. With each meaningful thrust, he arched his back forcefully like a big cat. He held his breath and his whole body trembled when he pushed forward, inch for inch, with intent. And he released a shattered breath each time he pulled back in the same slow way. I watched his muscles tense and relax above me, totally enraptured. I couldn't get over how gorgeous he was.

_Shit... yes, maybe I can..._

With a quiet whimper, I grabbed his ass to urge him on. But he shook his head ever so slightly and maintained his steady rhythm, not taking his eyes off of mine.

"I don't want to come yet," he rasped between his ragged breathing, "I just... please, I don't want this to end. But if you want me to... are you close?"

I wasn't close, but I didn't care, because my heart swelled with love for him. To prevent it from bursting, I whispered, "I love you."

Kiddo gasped, and although he continued moving torturously slow, his breath sped up considerately. "Say it again," he panted, a glorious smile looming on his parted lips.

"I love you, Edward."

He moaned loudly and knitted his brows. "Fuck, Annie, I can't... I can't help it...," he choked out. His beautiful face crumpled, registering a pleasure that bordered on pain, and then he stopped moving and breathing altogether. Time seemed to stand still for a moment as he looked down at me wide-eyed, as if in complete wonder.

As I felt him pulse within me, I deliberately constricted my muscles and clenched around him as best as I could. Kiddo squeezed his eyes shut and collapsed on top of me. With a low groan against my neck, he climaxed inside of me while I stroked his hair, whispering to him how good he felt and how much I adored him.

Still panting heavily, he lifted himself on his elbows and, one after the other, released my somewhat tortured legs – only to let himself drop down on me again as soon as I had stretched myself out with a sigh of relief.

I chortled quietly. "Are you alright? Or should I call 9-1-1?"

Without moving otherwise, Kiddo held one finger up to indicate that he needed a minute or two but was basically fine. After a few moments he mumbled, "My arms are jello. Legs too. And most of all..." he chuckled into the crook of my neck, "my dick... definitely jello. I think even my brain has turned into jello. It's very happy jello though..."

His breath tickled my skin as he laughed again, and I joined in spontaneously; euphoric Kiddo was simply irresistible. With a girlish giggle, I kissed his temple - the only spot I could reach with my mouth.

"I'm glad you're happy jello."

He hugged me tightly.

"Yes... me too, Annie."

.

.

.

Fifteen Minutes later, I could hear the water running in the bathroom and smiled as I briefly considered joining Kiddo in the shower. But I was just too relaxed, too content and... yes, too happy to even move. With a sigh, I leaned back into my pillow, surprised by how natural and right it felt to have him around in my personal space as if nothing had happened.

We hadn't talked too much last night. But I guess both of us had said what needed to be said.

For now.

Fact was, I just felt better with him around. Even after the 'Black' incident, when I so desperately had wanted him to go away... I somehow had felt better before he had left my apartment. Besides, it wasn't a Ming vase, and I had still three kitchen chairs left.

_Schizo, much?_

When I couldn't find him and freaked out because I thought he might have done something to himself... it wasn't so much about feeling guilty, admittedly. Hell, I wasn't a character out of a Stephenie Meyer book! It was the idea that I could have lost him, that I might never see him again. Just that. So what did we learn from this lesson? Annie Portman was a selfish bitch!

_Not proud of it, ok? Sue me..._

.

.

.

**MONDAY**

"Ok, when are you going to tell me about him?"

I choked on my coffee and almost spit it all over my chief editor's designer dress. "What...?"

Beatrice narrowed her eyes at me. "Look at you! As if I needed any more confirmation... come on, who is he?"

"Am I that transparent?" I took another sip in a fruitless attempt to appear somewhat aloof.

She wasn't buying it.

"Hello? You've been walking around with your head in the clouds for days. I know that look. Found someone to get yummy Edward-on-the-train off your mind finally, huh?"

This time I spit out my coffee for real. Fortunately, Beatrice was quite nimble on her feet and brought herself out of the danger zone with a quick jump. I wasn't that lucky; I had successfully ruined my white tee before my working day had even begun.

_Great!_

My nosy boss ripped some paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to me, wide-eyed. I took them and futilely wiped my shirt, avoiding her gaze.

"Annie?"

I looked up to see her shake her head, her face registering a wild mixture of emotions: disbelief, amazement, excitement... yes, most of all excitement.

_Busted!_

"Oh. My. God! Really, Annie? It's him?"

I disposed of the useless paper towels and buried my face in my hands, unable to stifle the laugh that bubbled up from inside of me. Then I felt Beatrice's hands on my shoulder, shaking me.

"I don't believe it," she squealed, "you did it! How... what... oh my God, what happened? You need to tell me all about it! How old is he? Is he smart? How far did you... and how long? Holy shit!"

"Beatrice..." I took my hands of my face, still laughing.

"Shit, you are happy!" she blurted. I had never seen her grinning like that.

"I guess I am, yes."

She clapped her hands. "Go girl!"

"I need to change my shirt."

Ignoring my attempt to distract her, Beatrice took a step back and tilted her head. I felt uncomfortable under her survey. When she spoke again, there was an odd melody to it, like the first line of 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'.

"You are in love, honey."

_Fuck, yes!_

"Fuck, yes!" she repeated my thought and pulled me into a hug. "When can I meet him?"

_Someone shoot me please!_

_._

_._

_._

**TUESDAY**

A quick glance at my watch confirmed me that Tom/a.k.a. James/a.k.a. my neighbor/former friend with benefits had been wordlessly staring into his coffee mug now for exactly two minutes and twenty-six seconds.

_twenty-seven..._

_twenty-eight..._

_twenty-nine..._

"So..." he finally said, "this is serious then? You and this k... guy? That's it for you, Annie?"

He still didn't look up. Well, I knew before that he wouldn't like what I had to tell him.

"It is, yes. I'm in love with him."

He screwed his mouth and snorted. "You want me to apologize or something? Not going to happen, just so you know."

"No apologies necessary, Tom. What has happened was as much my fault as it was yours, maybe even more my own fault. I just wanted to let you know where we stand."

"Where we stand?" He shook his head and chuckled mirthlessly. "Jesus, Annie." Then he fell silent again.

_one mississippi..._

_two mississippi..._

_three mississippi..._

His chair almost fell over when he suddenly stood up. He took one last sip of his coffee and set the mug down on the table with a loud clank. "Congratulations, girl. And good luck. See you around."

He still hadn't faced me one single time when the door slammed shut behind him.

_Um... that went well, I think?_

.

.

.

**WEDNESDAY**

I opened my eyes with a gasp and found myself sitting upright in bed within a second. It was still dark and I had no idea what had ripped me out of my well-earned slumber in the middle of the night. I held my breath and listened anxiously for noises or footsteps from a possible intruder, but everything was quiet except for Kiddo's rapid breathing. No burglars.

_Wait – why is he breathing rapidly?_

I braced myself on one elbow and bent over to look at his face; but my eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet and I couldn't see whether his eyes were open or not.

I whispered, "Edward?"

Nothing.

He was sleeping. Maybe a bad dream? Should I wake him? A quiet moan, almost a whimper escaped him. I gently put my hand against his cheek and winced. Startled, I touched his forehead, chest and arms - he was wet all over with cold sweat. I switched on the bedside lamp.

"Edward!"

"Hmmm..."

"Wake up, baby, there's something wrong!"

Another moan, but his eyes remained shut. I started to feel somewhat hysterical and patted his cheek a little more forcefully.

"Edward, you're covered in sweat and kind of hyperventilating; you need to wake up! Now, Kiddo - come on!"

Finally, he opened his eyes, but I could see it was not without effort.

"Is it your blood sugar? How do you feel?"

"Dunno..." he mumbled, and his eyelids threatened to fall shut again.

I decided to not take any chances and jumped off the bed to find his backpack. Snatching it from the bathroom, I turned on my heels in one movement and I was beside him again in no time; rummaging the polka dot offence for his diabetes gear. Given that time was a crucial point, I figured I wouldn't benefit in another attempt to wake him up for this. So I just prepared his lancet and set it against the tip of his index finger. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed the button. It clicked loudly when it pierced his skin, and I'm sure it must have stung, but even then he didn't budge. It was only when I watched the crimson pearl of blood appear on his fingertip that I realized I should have set up the meter first.

_Way to go, nurse Portman!_

I held up his leaking finger in one hand, while my other hand fumbled awkwardly with the sensor stick and the measurement device for what seemed like forever until I had it ready. With a loud sigh, I tipped his finger against the sensor, and that darn thing began to count backwards. When it stopped after fifteen seconds, I stared at the number that popped up and my brain went blank for a moment.

_25!_

_25?_

_What the fuck?_

I remembered an episode of 'House' and that young guy he treated – that kid's whole body shook with cramps because his blood sugar had gone down to 35. Yet Kiddo lay perfectly still, except for his breath which became more frantic by the minute. Bloody TV producers...

I had some sort of déjà vu as I turned the backpack upside down and emptied it on the floor. My eyes darted around its spread out contents and I let go a string of expletives. No dextrose!

"You sloppy, stupid son of a bitch!"

I paced into the kitchen, cursing under my breath, and tore the fridge open. My eyes caught on the three vials of insulin we had carefully stored in there yesterday – unfortunately the exact opposite of what I needed now. I had a feeling that now was the perfect time to panic!

I barely took the time to whip on my bathrobe before I was out of my apartment and running down the stairs to bang on Alice's door. It took ages...  _ages_! When the door finally opened, the sleepy face that showed up in the crack was less fancy Alice and more grumpy Eric than I'd ever seen before. Still half unconscious and in nothing but a pair of boxers with... wait, were there winged piglets on them?

"Annie, what the hell...?" More-Eric-than-Alice absentmindedly scratched his junk. I couldn't care less.

"I need something sweet; a chocolate bar, cake, fruit juice... now!"

"Are you pregnant?" There. Squealing Alice was back, wide-eyed.

"Dammit, no – it's Edward, his blood sugar..."

I couldn't even finish my sentence. The face disappeared, and a second later Alice high-speed pit-patted past me and upstairs, the blue silk of her open Kimono billowing out behind her like a sail. I followed her as fast as I could, and almost bumped into her back when she suddenly stopped in the frame of my kitchen door and let go a high-pitched squeak that would have suited one of the little animals on her undies.

She turned around and shoved the pack of orange juice she'd been carrying into my hands. "Jesus Christ," she muttered, her voice dropped down three octaves minimum, "are you guys trying to kill me?"

I peeked around her square shoulders and saw Kiddo leaning against the counter – one hundred percent fiber-free, in all his naked glory. The look on his face couldn't have been any more puzzled if Alice and I had been eight-legged alien intruders. His toned chest was glistening with sweat and gosh, he looked hot!

Alice grabbed my shoulders and took a deep breath through flared nostrils. "You... he..." she started, and then a brief shudder went through her. "I'm out of here. If I turn around I will probably do something I'll regret later. He looks pretty much alive to me, everything will be fine. You go and take care of him, and I'll go and... take care of something else... um, good luck. And you're welcome. And bye."

_What the...?_

I caught her by the tails of her geisha costume to keep her from leaving, as Kiddo murmured something that sounded like _'Bye, Alice'_. His eyelids fluttered closed for a moment, and he held onto the edge of the countertop, staggering noticeably. An even stronger feeling of déjà vu washed through me now... Me in my bathrobe, Kiddo shaking, Kiddo passing out in my hallway.

_Not this time!_

I forced the juice pack back into Alice's hands. "You stay! There are clean glasses in the dishwasher. I'll get something to cover him. Get a grip, for crying out loud!"

"Gawwwwd...!" Alice ostentatiously covered her eyes with one hand before she turned around. I heard her mutter under her breath as I went for the bedroom, "Sure, Hooker, make me serve naked Edward a drink with a boner at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's just Alice – she can take a cold shower, right? Fuck..."

When I returned with a blanket, Alice had maneuvered my semi-conscious boyfriend to my new cherry-red canvas couch. She held a glass of orange juice out to him, and he was staring at it as if he had trouble figuring out what he was supposed to with it.

"You need to drink this, Beautiful." She helped him out, and finally he moved his arm and took the glass from her hand.

As soon as his fingers closed around it I realized this wasn't going to work. Kiddo's hands were shaking so violently that the drink Alice had generously poured him was slopping over, and he was barely able to lift it to his mouth. It was a miracle that he wasn't out cold yet.

Thankfully, Alice noticed his trouble too. She snatched the glass from his hand a second before it was about to slip from his weak grip. Then she slung her arm around his shoulders and held the glass against his lips. Kiddo closed both his hands around it and drank in greedy gulps.

Watching this, I briefly felt an irrational sting of jealousy. I knew Alice was just helping him, but  _I_  wanted to be the one doing this for him. This whole girlfriend thing was clouding my mind, apparently.

_Don't be silly, Portman!_

The glass was empty; Kiddo let go of it and his hands dropped onto his lap. Alice pulled him against her kimono clad chest and placed a kiss on top of his head. To my amazement, Kiddo closed his eyes and leaned into her touch with a sigh.

_Ok – that does it!_

With one swift move I threw the blanket over my naked lover and pulled him towards me and out of Alice's embrace, making her jump. "Refill," I spat at her, "he needs more!"

"Whoa... mellow greetings, what seems to be your boggle?" she huffed, quoting 'Demolition Man'. But before I could go all Wesley Snipes on her, Kiddo said something. It sounded like 'covered'?.

"What did you say, love? Are you better?"

"Cupboard," he repeated, "There's dextro in the cupboard, next to the sugar."

"Oh great," Alice rolled her eyes and set the empty glass down on the table. "I'm out of here. Jeez - for all that's holy and the tits of Judy Garland, it's 4:25 am! If you guys need anything else... more juice, a shoulder to cry on, foot massage, pole dance, a gay friend to bitch at for no reason... I'm downstairs, rubbing one off, ok? Then I'll try to get another two or three hours of sleep if you don't mind. 'Night."

And with that, she turned around, pushed her chin up dramatically, and stomped away. I wanted to call after her, but the door slammed shut before I had the chance.

"She's mad," Kiddo stated, slightly confused, "What did I do? And why was she here anyway?"

I sighed. "She'll get over it, everything's fine. Do you feel better?"

"Yes, thank you. Sorry for the... I found my gear on the nightstand. Did you check my blood sugar?"

"Yes, I did."

"How was it?"

"Low."

"I would have just slept through it, you know."

I snorted. "I seriously doubt that. You were shaking."

He looked at me silently with green eyes under heavy lids. He still seemed a bit dizzy, but his hand didn't tremble any more as he raised it to run his index finger along my collarbone towards my shoulder. There his hand slipped under the fabric of my robe, pushing it slowly aside and down my upper arm, until my left breast was uncovered. My nipple, suddenly exposed to the cool air, hardened immediately.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

Instead of an answer, Kiddo leaned over and closed his lips around my taut peak. I gasped with surprise and pleasure, and my hands found their way into his hair all by themselves. Not breaking contact where his mouth had settled on my skin, he shifted his weight and drew one knee up and under himself. He wrapped his arms around my upper body, underneath the now widely gaping bathrobe and started half-crawling over me, losing the blanket in the process. I helplessly reclined on the armrest, and Kiddo hummed in contentment.

"What are you doing, baby?" I repeated, a little breathless now.

"Christening the couch."

_Oh?_

His lips had interrupted their delicious work just long enough for him to answer, before they kissed a path right below my collarbones over to the left, where he nuzzled the terrycloth aside to pay my other nipple equal attention.

_Oh..._

"Edward, you just... do you think that's a good idea?" My question came out like a moan, betraying me. I instantly felt a moist heat building in my pussy which definitely considered his idea a  _very_  good one.

"U-huh," he confirmed between open-mouthed kisses on my neck, "I'm going to make love to you, Annie..."  _kiss_  "...right now..."  _kiss_  "...here..."  _kiss_  "...couch..."

_Well... ok then... whoa!_

Kiddo gently, but purposefully, nudged my thighs apart with his knee and settled himself between them. With one hand under my back he pulled me closer and ground himself against my hot center. It felt good, but different. It felt unexpectedly... supple. I reached down between us and palmed his soft and unusually uncooperative manlihood.

"Baby," I whispered, "are you sure?"

"Just give me a minute," he murmured, nibbling gently at my earlobe. We kept on making out for a few more minutes, kissing, stroking, grinding, moaning and whispering words of endearment and adoration to each other, until he suddenly stopped and rested his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily through his nose.

"Dammit, I want you so badly," he groaned.

I kissed him and pulled his head down to my shoulder. His whole body relaxed as he nestled his face into the crook of my neck and sighed.

"I know, love," I said, "but part of you doesn't. For good reason. Your blood sugar went through the floor, you are exhausted, you had an attack of sweating and now you're cooling off. Look at you, goosebumps everywhere."

"I'm sorry I wrecked your night."

"I'm not. I would like no one better than you to have my nights wrecked."

He snorted and shook his head. "I'm a mess."

"Yes, you are," I giggled, stroking his hair, "let's get you into the shower and back to bed, shall we? We still have a little more than two hours left to get some sleep. And we can christen the couch tomorrow."

He nodded yes and, half asleep again already, murmured, "Love you."

.

.

.

Later, in the remains of that night, I found myself on top of him, straddling his hips and riding him gently. Neither of us was vocal; all that could be heard in the confines of my bedroom was our breathing. A second before he tensed underneath me, he moaned my name. I relished the feel of him pulsating inside of me, it didn't matter that I was actually too tired to find my own release. I just stayed there, hovering over him, imagining the way his face looked like when he came undone.

In order to give us as much peace as possible to rest successfully in the wee hours of the morning, I had shut down the blinds to keep the lights and noises of the awakening city from sneaking in. The room was pitch black. And when Kiddo whispered, "You're so goddamn beautiful, Annie," I smiled, because I knew my exceptionally gifted boyfriend was in fact able to 'see' me in the dark.

_Now aren't you special, Portman?_

.

.

.

.

**THURSDAY**

"Your visitors are here, Annie," Charlie, the doorman informed me. "Want me to send them up?"

"Wait, wait – I'm not expecting anyone. Who are they?" I clamped the receiver between my ear and my shoulder and kept on collecting my personal belongings from the desk and throwing them into my purse. Beatrice and I had an appointment for lunch today, and I was already running late.

"The two, um..." he paused to clear his throat, " _gentlemen_  introduced themselves as Mr. Grey and Mr. Newton."

"What?" The receiver slipped from where I had tucked it and hit the floor, just when Beatrice entered my office. "Fuck!" I hissed.

"Well, nice to see you too," my boss laughed.

I heard the faint treble of Charlie's voice emerge from somewhere under my desk, "Wait, I'll ask them what they want."

_Good idea! What the hell...?_

"Are you ready, doll?" Beatrice raised a brow at me. "I'm starving, to be honest. But if you need one more minute?"

"No... yes... I don't know. I have a bit of a situation here, I'm afraid."

I picked the receiver up off the floor, just to hear Charlie explain, that the 'gentlemen' were here to just say hello. Then his tone suddenly became somewhat confidential, "You know, I'm glad my daughter isn't here. The younger one, Mr. Grey – for a moment I thought he was the actor who plays that Twilight vampire. My little girl and her friends are completely crazy about that guy..."

_Holy shit!_

"I'm coming down, Humphrey."

I hung up, took a deep breath and turned to Beatrice. "Ok, the thing is that... well, it seems you're going to meet Edward. Like now. As in, he's waiting for me in the foyer."

Beatrice eyes widened. Then she gasped. Then she squealed. Then she laughed. And finally words came back to her, "Awesome! He can join us for lunch; I can't wait to finally meet Mr. Handsome-Train-Man. Oh my God, the real Edward – let's go!"

I felt the strong urge to raise my hand and shout 'Objection', but I was still too flabbergasted. Besides that, I highly doubted there was any way of stopping Beatrice in her enthusiasm. Her shit-eating grin spoke volumes.

"I can't be-liiieve it..." she repeated to herself in a sort of sing-song while we stepped into the elevator. On the way down I explained that I didn't invite him. "Doesn't matter," was all she said. I also told her that I didn't encourage him to make any surprise appearances at my job. "I don't care," she replied happily.

It was hopeless.

_Your boyfriend is becoming public now, Portman. Deal with it!_

I made one last attempt. "He is a vampire, Beatrice!"

"I know!" she exclaimed, and we both burst into laughter.

_Oh well..._

It was only when the elevator doors slid open that I realized I hadn't even told her that Kiddo wasn't alone. I saw them at once. Law was leaning casually against the reception counter, chatting away with Charlie the doorman who was apparently highly amused about something Law had just said. He threw his head back and roared with laughter, while Law's mouth curled into that wicked lop-sided grin. He looked sexy as hell in his khakis and worn out biker leatherjacket.

Kiddo was a few feet away – black jeans, black tee, no backpack! He stood there, stiff as a board, hands buried deep in his pockets, and he wasn't amused at all. He was frowning down at someone who was almost completely hidden by one of the huge marble columns. I couldn't see his eyes from that far, but I could immediately tell from his body language that he was feeling highly uncomfortable. Static, flickers and shit for sure.

_Hang in there, baby, I'm on my way!_

In my haste to come for his rescue I had almost forgotten about Beatrice, when I heard her gasp next to me, "Oh my God, you didn't lie..."

I winced at that. Why did I wince at that? Only a few more feet...

"Annie, you're a lucky girl," Beatrice chuckled, trying to keep in step with me, "he is absolutely gorgeous!"

_Yes, and he is mine – bear that in mind!_

_Wow, where did that come from?_

I shook my head. There wasn't much time for me to muse about that disconcerting thought, because we had almost reached the spot where Kiddo was uncomfortably shifting from one side to the other on his legs. He looked up, as if sensing my presence, and his eyes darted around just as restlessly and lost as I had suspected. Then they found me, and his face immediately registered deep relief.

I smiled assuringly at him as I rounded the column, and then I froze. All my blood went to my feet. And then the same way back up into my cheeks, and within seconds I was fuming.

_No. Fucking. Way!_

There in front of him, lasciviously leaning back against the column and repeatedly winding a single strand of her blonde mane around her index finger, stood office-bimbo Rosalie. Fucking Barbie from hell, of all people? Batting her lashes at my boyfriend? A single word in flaming red letters lit up in my mind like a neon sign:

BITCH!

She hadn't noticed me yet and was still gibbering non-stop, "...the DJ is a friend of my cousin, you know, and when they have live bands there, he would take us backstage and shit, really cool. My friend Jessica goes there every Friday, and she and I..."

"What are you doing here?" I snarled at her, interrupting her brainless litany.

Her head spun around and she stared at me, positively shocked. "What... why?" She swallowed a few times, obviously working up the nerve to give a retort that wouldn't make her look like a sheep in the eyes of her latest score-to-be. Then she literally spat at me, "It's my lunch break, so I guess it's none of your business."

_Wrong answer, slut!_

I could almost feel her thin neck in my claws already, when suddenly Beatrice laid a hand on my shoulder and said, "Barbara, I'm still missing those copies I asked you to get for me this morning. I suggest you go back and make quick work of it  _before_  you take your break, ok? See you then."

"Yes, Ms. Cruise," the bitch muttered and then, luckily for her, left without another word.

Beatrice briefly squeezed my shoulder and brought her mouth close to my ear. "Jesus Christ, Annie, what's wrong with you? That was completely unnecessary," she whispered through clenched teeth, before she turned towards Kiddo with a bright smile and reached out her hand. "Hi, I'm Beatrice Cruise, Annie's boss. I'm very glad... no, actually I'm thrilled to finally meet the infamous Edward."

Kiddo took her hand and introduced himself in his usual, polite manner. But his eyes darted to mine. Questioning. Confused. Uncertain. The whole situation was clearly bordering to sensory overload for him. He hadn't even recovered from the Barbie attack and my stupid outbreak...

_I mean, really... what WAS wrong with me?_

… and now he was meeting my boss who was beaming at him, and he had no idea how much and what I had or had not told her about him, about us.

"Will you give us the pleasure to join us for lunch, Edward?" Beatrice invited him.

Kiddo tensed even more, if that was possible, and once again glanced over to me. "I don't know...?"

He was completely at a loss about what to say or how to behave. Kiddo hadn't had any anxiety attacks since I had professed my love to him, but the look on his face showed he was dangerously close to having one right now. The look on his face said, s _he will deny me again_. The look on his face made it painfully clear that I hadn't really earned his trust yet in this matter.

During the past days I had psyched myself up for a moment like this; I just wished it would have been less chaotic. But now was the time, and to my surprise I suddenly felt quite eager to do all of this... in public.

Closing the small distance between him and me, and greeting him with a kiss on the lips.

Taking his hand in mine and not letting go while I turn around to my boss and call him my boyfriend.

Wrapping my arms around his waist and leaning into him when Beatrice winks at him and tells him she'd been suspecting quite awhile that I was finally in love with someone.

Saying out loud that yes, I'm in love and that it is wonderful.

And looking firmly into his eyes as I do so.

_Oh god, his eyes..._

The way he held my gaze – I could see disbelief fighting relief, a state of shock that didn't allow the freeing realization to rise to the surface yet. He just didn't expect this.

For a moment, it saddened me terribly to know he had braced himself against another disappointment, another round of _'This is Edward, a friend of mine'_. And it saddened me even more to know that he would have bitten down the hurt and played along.

_Breathe, Kiddo, say something..._

Before the silence could become too awkward we were saved by Law.

"Hey, are you guys alright?" Laughing, he pulled me into a tight hug, lifted me up and spun me around in a half circle. A high-pitched squeal escaped me, and a lot of heads were turning in the hall. I could already hear the office grapevine starting to buzz before my feet met the ground again.

"We were just in town, so I said, 'hey let's go and embarrass Annie with a surprise visit,' and here we are. So come on, tell me!"

"Tell you what?"

"Did it work?  _Are_  you embarrassed?" He winked.

I looked at Kiddo as I answered, "No, I'm not. Sorry, Law."

The smile that finally found its way onto my love's beautiful features didn't even falter when Law's paw slammed down onto Kiddo's shoulder.

"See? Told you, E!"

Beatrice who had watched Law's big entrance with interest, to put it mildly, cleared her throat which I took as my cue. "Law, please meet my boss, Beatrice Cruise. Beatrice, this is Lawrence Newton, Edward's um... uncle."

Law turned around and instantly provided my unsuspecting chief editor with his panty-dropping smile. The effect was stunning. Her jaw slightly dropped, and the arm she was reaching out once again faltered midway. It didn't help a bit that Law slowly bent down to forego the offered handshake in favor of a kiss on her hand, never taking his eyes of hers in the process, and breathed a husky "It's a pleasure, Beatrice Cruise."

My boss said, "Nngh."

Or something like that.

_._

_._

_._

They didn't join us for lunch, and to be honest, I was glad. Kiddo looked like he already had enough to process, for the moment. He didn't need an instant lesson in business dinner small talk on top of it.

According to Law, they'd really just wanted to say 'Hi' and needed to leave right now because he was parked illegally. The way he oddly stressed the words  _coincidence_  and  _spontaneous_  during his explanation made me squint my eyes at him. I felt like I had just passed a test without even knowing there was a trial.

My worst suspicions were confirmed when Law hugged me goodbye and murmured, only for me to hear, "You were amazing, girl. Lucy owes me 20 bucks now."

He chuckled, and I stiffened in his arms.

_A fucking bet? With fucking Lucy?_

I tried to shove him away, ready to give him hell right here and now. But he wouldn't let me. Suddenly serious again, he tightened his grip around me and whispered, "Don't be mad, Annie - he needed that. He needed that, ok?"

_I know..._

I took a deep breath and nodded yes.

_I know..._

"Ok, Annie?"

_Hells, I know..._

"Ok."

_I needed it too._

.

.

.

After they had left, I spent the next twenty minutes of my lunchtime with an unusually silent Beatrice who dreamily poked around in her mushroom ravioli without actually ingesting any food.

_Dazzled._

"Is he single?" she eventually asked.

Of course I knew who she was referring to. But I teased her anyway.

"Who?"

"Oh, come on!"

I giggled. "As far as I know, Law is single. He's a charmer, huh?"

"Jesus Christ!" she moaned, and exhaled through pursed lips.

"He is the groundkeeper in a retirement home for old ladies," I offered.

"Really? That's kind of... sweet."

"And he eats like an animal."

_Heck, why am I telling her this?_

"Even better," she laughed enthusiastically, "you know what they say, right? A man's eating manners tell you how he-"

"He has only one leg!" I blurted out.

"How intriguing! How did he lose it?" Now she was actually beaming with enthusiasm.

It was hopeless.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"Oh, I will! I most definitely will. Coffee, Annie? Lunch is on me today." She cocked an eyebrow, "In exchange for his number?"

"Deal. But I must warn you..."

"About what?"

I smirked. "He is a werewolf."

She tipped her head back and gave a heartfelt laugh. "I know, Annie, I know..."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm quite aware that this didn't cover the entire week. To becontinued...


	23. How To Be A (Serenading Sihing's) Girlfriend, Week 1, Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little bit funny,  
> this feeling inside...
> 
> "Your Song"  
> (Elton John)

 

**THURSDAY (still...)**

He was waiting for me on the platform, like always. I'd already got so damn used to being welcomed by him every day... as soon as my station was about to come in sight, I would press my cheek against the train window, trying to spot him on the platform. It wasn't much of a feat really; I just had to look out for those pink and yellow dots of his backpack.

Also, I had made it a habit to find a seat in the same compartment every day, so we wouldn't waste any time finding each other. I wanted to tell myself it was not out of sentiment that this compartment happened to be the one with the number three on it... the one where it all began. But who was I kidding? Anyway, it worked just fine. As the train stopped, I was the first at the exit, with my hand hovering above the door opener. And right there he stood, and we smiled at each other through the glass while I waited for the hiss of the hydraulic system to announce the doors' unlocking.

My feet had barely touched the ground when he crushed into me and his solid arms closed around me. He didn't say a thing, he just held me tightly. With my own arms around his waist, I hugged him back for all what's worth. For now this was our way to exchange 'thank you's' and 'you're welcome's' for what had happened earlier this day.

We would talk about it later.

My chin rested on his shoulder, and when I opened my eyes I caught the sight of three teenage girls who were shamelessly ogling Edward, as if I didn't exist. And to them, I probably didn't. We were just two people hugging at a train station; we could be relatives, for that matter. One of the teens, a chubby Miley Cyrus wannabe, caught my glance and smiled at me. We probably looked like brother and sister to them. Or worse: maybe like -

_Fuck!_

Not taking my eyes off of the group, I placed a kiss behind Kiddo's ear and then sucked his lobe into my mouth. Chubby Miley's eyes widened as she elbowed her friends.

I had their attention now. Good.

_Watch and whine, bitches…_

I shoved one hand into his hair and slid the other one down his spine until it rested on his hip, my thumb hooked under the hem of his back pocket.

… _because I'm so not…_

Kiddo turned his head towards me and smiled, obviously as puzzled by my sudden PDA as he was delighted. I threw those girls one last glance.

… _his fucking Mom!_

Then I crashed my mouth on his, immediately teasing him with my tongue. He didn't hesitate to part his lips and deepen the kiss. I peeked at our audience from under my lashes; all three were gawking. They definitely got the message.

_Yessss!_

With that, my own eyes fell shut while the world's teenage girl population fell into oblivion. After all, I was kissing Kiddo...

_Oh yessss!_

.

.

.

**FRIDAY**

I woke up to the sound of Kiddo humming some sweet melody. Well, at least it felt like I was waking up. Of course, in the back of my obviously still sleeping mind I knew I had to be dreaming, because I heard a guitar too. But the voice was definitely Kiddo's. It reminded me of the day when he had walked me home for the first time, quietly humming all the way to my house.

What a strange thing... to dream that I am lying in bed, sleeping and dreaming. A dream within a dream. And a very pleasant one. Lulled by the warmth of my bed and the enchanting, wordless song I couldn't help but let go a contented sigh. The playing and humming stopped, and I could feel the mattress shake as my dream lover scooted over to me. I could even smell him. And damn, did it feel real when he pressed his lips against my spine. I couldn't decide whether I wished for him to continue kissing my back, or for the sweet music to return.

And then a beautiful velvet voice next to my ear said: "Wake up, sleepy head..."

_No, no, no! Not yet!_

The beautiful velvet voice snickered as my dream-self tried to snuggle down deeper into the pillows. And then the kissing started all over again, warm breath tickling the skin between my shoulder blades.

_Ok... I guess, that means no more singing._

On the other hand, if this was a dream then what's the problem with kissing and singing at the same time? "Can I have the music back, please?" I managed to mumble, "I like the melody..."

"There are words to it, too. I'll sing it for you if you open your eyes for me."

"Mmmmh, don't wanna. Keep on kissin' then; 'tis fine..."

"Yes ma'am," beautiful voice chuckled, "but you know if we go on like this, I will probably poke a hole into your guitar when I put it on my lap."

_I own a guitar?_

A warm body was sliding up my back, soft lips licking the sensitive spot behind my ear.

_And what... poke a hole into... how?_

I felt something hard pressing between my butt cheeks, and within seconds I was up for some poking indeed, sleeping or not. I jerked my hips to rub against Kiddo's obvious arousal and moaned a quiet yes.

_Screw singing!_

"Fuck, Annie, you're killing me here!" he gasped into my ear, "We can't... you need to get up; Alice will be here in a minute, and-"

"We'll have to be quick then, right?"

"Oh God..." Kiddo groaned.

I kept my eyes closed, but I was positively awake now. The moment I felt the tip of his erection at my entrance, the dream haze was lifted off of me like a veil, leaving me raw and needy. "Come on, I want you."

Next to my ear, Kiddo was panting. "You're not ready, Annie. I need to-"

"No, you don't," I cut him short. "Just fuck me. Now. And cum for me, ok?"

I licked my fingers and reached down under me to coat myself. He didn't waste any more time and entered me, slowly but forcefully pressing past my resisting flesh before he slid in all the way. He stilled above me, giving us both time to adjust to the sensation. I couldn't help but moan loudly. The feeling of him filling me like that was incredible.

Sometimes, foreplay was highly overrated.

"Jesus, Annie, you're tight. I don't know if... god, this is not going to be gentle."

"I'm not asking for gentle, baby."

"Fuck..." he almost growled. One of his hands slid down my thigh to the hollow of my knee. "Draw your leg up under yourself, please... yes, like that."

I obeyed all too willingly, enjoying the way the new angle made my belly tingle. And then he started to move, and I opened my eyes. First thing I saw was a weird bundle of wire right in front my face, which I found pretty surreal, and I almost laughed. But then there was Kiddo's hand in the nape of my neck... pressing down roughly... to the point where I was almost immobilized, and I could only gasp. His other hand gripped my hip to hold me in place while he thrust into me hard. It was feral, it was quick, and it was divine. I was close in a heartbeat.

The way he took me and bent me to his liking without asking – that very moment, everything about him screamed 'Mine!'. Yet ironically, right before I felt him pulsate inside of me, he moaned, "I'm yours, Annie, yours forever!" He almost cried out the last word.

"That you are..." I sighed into the blissful rapture of my own release, reveling in the heated throbbing from where our bodies were joined.

When he collapsed on top of me with his full weight, shaking and panting, I was provided with a completely unnecessary last proof that this wasn't a dream any more - a nasty cramp in my left leg which was still bended underneath me.

"Shit! Off... get off of me! Holy shit...!" I screamed.

Kiddo was on his feet in a split second, an alarmed look on his face. "What is it?"

"It's my leg; a cramp... hell, what is that piece of scrap metal in my bed?" My eyes had fallen onto the mysterious wire ball again. I pointed an accusing finger at it while I was frantically rubbing my tortured calf with my other hand.

"Those are the old strings of your guitar," Kiddo chuckled. "Come here, let me help you." He kneeled down next to me on the mattress and started massaging my leg. The pain subsided quickly under his magic touch. "Better?"

"Yes, thank you. What do you mean,  _my_  guitar?"

"A wooden box, hour glass shape, long neck, covered in dust... ring any bells? Found it on top of the bedroom closet a couple of days ago."

"Uh-huh..."

Dumbfounded, I watched my boyfriend step into his boxers. And though he lacked a bit of his usual grace right now, hopping on one leg while trying to get the other one through the corresponding hole in the fabric, he was sporting a pretty self-complacent grin. I followed the nod of his head with my eyes, and there, in the corner of my bedroom, leaning against the wall with its back to me as if pretending to not know me, it was. Apparently, I owned a guitar.

_Jesus, how long has it been since...?_

Kiddo, who eventually had come to terms with his undies, grabbed it by the neck and turned it around. "There was a real beauty hiding under the dust. See?"

"Looks as good as new. What did you do?"

"Just cleaned her up and restringed her. No biggie!"

" _Her_?"

"Yeah, she's definitely a lady. Listen!" In one swift move, Kiddo swung my revived instrument around, tucked it under his arm and strummed a few chords. That was when it dawned on me...

 _Oh my God!_ "You were playing and singing earlier; it wasn't a dream!"

He blushed. "Uhm... yes. No dream. I wrote a song for you, and I wanted you to-"

"You did what?" I gasped, and Kiddo looked down on his hands, his blush turning a deeper shade of red. Could he be any more adorable?

He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by my door bell and a factitiously high-pitched voice calling, "Hey there, lovebirds, time to untangle your sweaty limbs and face the day! We need to get going soo-hoon..."

"Alice!" we moaned in unison. I checked the alarm clock; it was eight sharp. Why did that pain-in-the-ass Nelly always have to be dead on time? Kiddo was already pulling up his jeans.

"Go, hop into the shower, I'll answer the door," he sighed.

I shook my head. "Don't bother, I bet she-"

"Annie, cover your honey pot, ok? Letting myself in in THREE..."

"Jesus!" With an exasperated groan, Kiddo snatched my bathrobe and sent it flying over to me.

"... TWO..."

"Yep," I confirmed, "she's got a spare key, and she's not afraid to use it."

"... ONE..."

I quickly whipped on the robe; I could already hear the keys tinkle. But I knew how to buy us another few seconds. "Alice, if you come in now, you  _will_  see my honey pot, willing or not. Just a warning!"

"Eeeek! ZERO POINT FIVE..."

I closed the distance between me and my boyfriend in two strides. "Kiss me, before -"

"Hell, yes..." His mouth crashed on mine. Outside my apartment, Alice started to perform a pretty skillful beatbox mouth percussion. Kiddo's laughter ended our kiss much too soon for my liking. "Tell me again why we agreed to let her come with us?"

"I can't remember," I huffed, "but I'm starting to regret it."

The beatboxing stopped and giving a perfect Lauryn Hill imitation, Alice turned the key. "...ready or not, here I come..."

I hurried to meet her in the living room and made it just in time. With my hands against her chest, I frog-walked her back from the bedroom door while she was laughing and craning her neck.

"Whoa, Annie, come on... is Edward still in his undies? Eddie! Eddie? Alice is here!" I punched her in the stomach, and she laughed even harder. "What? Don't be selfish, just one little glimpse, ok? What were you two just doing in there, huh?"

"Nothing! It's none of your business anyway, but if you wanna know: Edward wrote me a song!"

That shut her up for exactly two seconds. Then a wicked grin spread over her face.

"Yeah, I can smell his song all over you, darling. Let me guess the key... it's in G, right? G-spot major?" Laughing, she ducked away under my hand as I lashed out at her. "Girl, you and your shockingly attractive boyfriend better get ready. T minus 20 until we have to leave. I'm ready to face a bunch of sweaty jocks..."

.

.

.

A quick shower, an even quicker cereal breakfast and a few more teasing remarks by Alice later, the three of us were on the train, heading to Kiddo's usual Friday hangout, the mysterious Wing Chun Kuen School of Martial Arts. Yes, my boyfriend kept surprising me; who knew he was a teacher? A fucking Kung Fu instructor, to be precise. I know, right?

Ok, here's the story. It all started with six weeks of anger management training, ordered by the court as part of his probation. The judge considered the combination of a hard, physical workout and the strictly traditional master-student structures in an old fashioned Chinese school an appropriate means to channel the young delinquent's temper. Six weeks turned into six months, and Kiddo did extraordinary well. He passed a couple of tests in quick succession, and soon was entrusted with supervising the lower grade students.

Never did he revolt against the strict code of conduct. Quite the contrary, it accommodated his then aversion for wordy conversations and talking in general. The only things students were supposed to say to their instructors were yes and no and thanks, accompanied by brief bows. In terms of social interaction, this was safe territory for Edward who – of course – was completely oblivious to all the subtle or not so subtle attempts of flirting among his female fosterlings.

The school owner however wasn't. Having Kiddo turned out to be a total fluke for his formerly slow business. The ratio of male and female students slowly but noticeably shifted until the guys were the minority. More and more women felt the sudden need to gain some skills in self-defense. They brought their friends and their high school daughters who then brought their own friends, and the formerly exotic and suspicious backyard Kung Fu school became the hippest place in the neighborhood. And a little more than three months ago, two new classes for combative housewives had to be established on Fridays in order to satisfy the demand, with Kiddo in charge.

That's it. He started to ride my train on Friday mornings. We met (or something like it). And the rest is history.

Except for the fact that I yet had to watch him doing his thing there. So I had taken the day off to make good for it. I mean, I once watched him do his thing with my poor neighbor Tom. But that didn't really count, because it was quite disturbing. Though not half as disturbing as the visual of him spending every given Friday getting touchy-feely with scantily clad and probably drooling middle-aged women.

_God, I need to think of something else..._

"Let me get this straight once again, I'm just coming to watch, ok? I will not participate."

Kiddo smiled and squeezed my hand. "I know. It's ok."

"But maybe I will?" Alice was literally bouncing with excitement. "I brought my training gear, just in case. Hey, Eddie, those Wing Chun master guys need to touch their students a lot, right? Like feeling them up, I mean, full contact and shit?"

_Ungh... thanks, Alice!_

"Yes, we do," Kiddo laughed, "but all the guys are wearing jock straps, so calm down."

"Uhm... that's kinda hot. And shorts?"

"No shorts, sorry. Black sweat pants. And tees, too. It's not like in a Kung Fu movie."

Alice pouted. "That's too bad. I watched one the other day, and the hero just wore a diaper of sorts and those leather strings around both his biceps. Through the entire movie! And his bare chest was glistening… ouch!" I slapped her arm to bring her out of her wet dream.

Kiddo shook his head. "It's not like that, Alice. Please behave yourself, ok? Maybe you better just watch too, for a start." He looked slightly worried now as our station came in sight.

When we grabbed our stuff and stood to get off the train, Alice gave him a quick hug and ruffled his hair.

"Nah... don't worry, Beautiful. I'd never embarrass you in front of your see-thru... guru... whatever..."

"Sifu!" Kiddo corrected nervously, "The master is called Sifu."

"Yeah, see-foo... that's what I meant. Don't pee your pants, Bruce Lee; I'll be a good girl, I promise!"

I threw Alice a warning look behind Kiddo's back. She stuck her tongue out at me and jumped onto the platform, pointedly wiggling her ass in front of me. "And you are the Sihing, right?" she rattled on, unfazed, linking arms with Edward. "That means, 'elder brother', right? Yes, your favorite Queenie has been Googling... is that Cantonese? Mandarin? Grapefruit? Haha, just kidding... it's so romantic! How do you say 'elder Sister'? Oh, and are there younger brothers too?"

I rolled my eyes.  _Great, this is going to be real fun!_

.

.

.

I really don't know how I survived the three hours that followed. The place smelled of sweat and excessively perfumed antiperspirants; a suffocating mix. In the locker room, deodorant roll-ons stood in rank and file alongside pastel-colored gym bags, like dildos on display in a sex store. Smack my ass and call me Alice, if all that estrogen had gathered here solely for the benefits of self-defense skills!

Kiddo introduced us to Harry, the honorable Sifu and owner-slash-founder of the school. Much to Alice's disappointed, he was lacking as much Asian features as he was untouched by any Far Eastern charm. Disturbingly, the term 'buttcrack santa' was the first thing that came to my mind. Smaller than me by a head, with thinning hair and a considerable potbelly, he definitely was not the reason for half the female population to pilgrimage to his temple of wisdom and physical flexibility.

Yet he seemed totally convinced, that it was the special qualities of Wing Chun Kung Fu itself that held such a strong appeal for women.

According to Harry, it was a martial art designed to deal especially with physically superior opponents. Admittedly, the idea of turning one's own weakness into a weapon by 'borrowing' the attacker's strength and momentum sounded quite intriguing. I endured his lectures while Kiddo was changing and getting ready for his first class. However, when he finally returned, I had enough of Harry's 'be-soft-like-the-branch-of-a-willow-tree' talk. Damn, that dude fucking sounded like a fortune cookie on acid...

The good thing was that Alice, unstoppable in her enthusiasm, left with Harry to join one of the more advanced groups. She was eager to mingle with the 'well-toned hotties', as she called them, rather than watching the desperate housewives parade. So at least I didn't have to deal with her cheeky comments when I finally found myself sitting on one of the wooden benches in the back of the small training room, grimly eyeing up every single woman who entered.

In the end, there was a group of twenty female students, ages between 15 and 50 years, lining themselves up in silence and patiently waiting for the lesson to begin. There was no chatting or whispering nor any other noises you could usually hear from such a group of girls and women. With their backs to me, they all showed the same posture: upright, eyes straight ahead, arms held loosely at their sides. Kiddo had explained to me earlier that putting your hands on your hips or crossing your arms in front of yourself was considered disrespectful towards your master or elder Kung Fu brother. Both were such natural gestures to me that I wondered if I would even make it through a single lesson without accidentally insulting the teacher.

Kiddo stepped in front of the group, inclined his head ever so gracefully, and with a sweet smile said, "Good morning, Ladies."

The whole group bowed down like one and replied in unison, "Good morning, Sihing!"

"Siu Nim Tao," Kiddo announced, "Take your stance, please." By just lifting his heels the tiniest bit, he moved his feet into that weird inward position I had seen the very day when he had taught my unsuspecting neighbor a lesson of its own. The students did the same. And then a strange ballet of sorts began, a slow series of arm movements and turns of the upper body. Not really pretty to watch... some of the movements even looked kind of awkward. But it was so obvious that every single push and turn was purposeful and loaded with energy, that I was all but impressed.

After a while the sequence ended, everyone relaxed and returned to the posture of the beginning. Both Kiddo and the students took another small bow, and then he said, "Repeat." And it started all over again. Only this time, Kiddo was walking through the lines, stopping here and there to quietly utter critique or encouragement, receiving a respectful "Yes, Sihing" or "Thank you, Sihing". I liked that. But then the touching began...

The concept of jealousy still was an enigma to me, and I hated this new emotion and what it did to me. No one said, being the girlfriend of RPattz 2.0 would be easy, but I just couldn't help myself.

I felt a sharp pang when he gently took one woman's wrists to lift her arms a little, because apparently her dang 'Fook Sao' wasn't straight. What the hell? I cringed when he stepped close in front of another lady and let her perform a series of pushes and punches against his chest and then complimented her on her perfect "Gum Sao'. Was that really necessary? And I could have sworn that blonde teenage girl ground her ass against him when he corrected the position of her shoulders from behind.

The only thing that kept me from applying my personal 'Fuck Sao From Hell' to that bitch and the others was the fact that they all stood with their backs to me (pretty sure one look of their lash-batting cow-eyes, and I would have lost my shit), and that Kiddo again and again looked up and smiled at me lovingly, assuring me I was the one and only person in the room that really mattered.

Besides, he was doing an awesome job, and I could tell he was loved and respected around here for much more than just his good looks. And I really liked that. A lot!

I was so proud of him. And I was proud of being his girlfriend, too.

.

.

.

**SATURDAY**

"You should demand a higher salary, that's all I'm saying," I repeated sternly. "Sorry, but your Sifu is a jerk. All that talk about the magic of Wing Chun and shit... he knows just too well that if you leave, his magic school will be royally fucked. All those women don't come for Mr. Myagi, they come for Karate Kid, ok? I saw it with my own eyes."

Kiddo didn't say anything, just kept on stirring his coffee as if he didn't hear me. We'd had this discussion already yesterday, on our way home. We'd had it at night, on my bed. And we were still having it now, at the breakfast table. Buttcrack Harry, who was conspicuously shitting his sweat pants at the prospect of possibly losing his cash cow by the end of the year, had offered him a permanent job, at a ridiculous pay. As far as I was concerned, I thought Kiddo should be offered a damn partnership with his name in bright letters on the facade. But yeah, that was probably asking too much. Anyway...I wasn't giving in, and right now I could tell Kiddo was on the brink of capitulation.

"You know I'm right. You are like Harry's fucking Kung Fu rock star. Tell him to raise your salary, or else you will quit."

"Annie," Kiddo sighed dramatically, "I don't want to quit. I like working there."

"I'm not telling you to quit, I'm telling you to tell Harry that you'll quit. Just pretend, it's called negotiation. I just don't want anyone to take advantage of you. You're worth a lot more than he's willing to pay you. It'll work – you pull the quitting card, he will offer you more money to make you stay. Easypeasy!"

Kiddo smiled and shook his head, defeated. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, I will do it. But I have one condition."

_Uh-oh!_

Kiddo finally stopped atomizing the sugar in his coffee, put down the spoon and raised his head. We stared at each other across the table for a few seconds, until I threw my hands up in the air.

"Ok, what's the condition?"

As if he had all the time in the world, Kiddo didn't answer at once but raised his coffee and took a long swig, looking at me over the rim of the mug. Then he slowly put it down again, and exhaled at length. He knew damn well he was driving me nuts.

"Come on, Edward, spill it already. What condition?"

One corner of his mouth began to twitch.

_Oh no, not the crooked smile... unfair!_

"The song I wrote for you, it's finished."

I clutched my own chest. "Oh my God, really? Can I hear it?"

"Well, it turned out a duet, actually."

"And?"

"I want you to sing it with me."

I dissolved into spontaneous giggles. "You are kidding me, right?"

"In public."

"IN WHAT?"

No more giggles. At all!

.

.

.

**SUNDAY**

Kiddo didn't call Harry.  
I didn't agree to sing.  
He wouldn't even let me read the lyrics.  
I refused to kiss him on the mouth.  
He didn't reveal what the hell he meant by 'in public'.  
I pouted.  
He laughed at me.  
I faked total interest in a cartoon show on the kid's channel while he sat next to me, absentmindedly picking at the guitar strings.  
He put the folded paper with the song lyrics into his back pocket where I could see it stick out, just to tease me. When I tried to snatch it, we ended up wrestling on my couch where he tickled the shit out of me.  
I got out my Twilight DVD and watched it two and a half times in a row in three different languages, until he started to lick and nibble at my neck from behind.  
"Will you sing with me?" he whispered against my skin, seductively  
"Will you talk to Harry?" I whispered back, trying to appear unaffected by his caresses.  
And then it all started all over again, one way or another.

Kiddo called it a truce. I called it a violation of my human rights. I was a grown woman, for crying out loud! Did I really have to put up with this nonsense?

We were at Hour Thirty-One, and neither of us was ready to surrender. At five p.m. Beatrice called, and in my outrage I immediately told her the whole story, never taking my eyes off of Kiddo who slouched on the carpet, lazily plucking the guitar again.

" _That's really interesting, hun. But I don't get it, what's the big fuzz? You have sung before. You've even been in a band, isn't that right?"_

"But that was twenty years ago!"

" _Yeah, whatever. Still no biggie, if you ask me. Hells, the boy wrote you a song! You should get a hold of yourself and just do it. I would sing like a nightingale if someone wrote me a song. Anyway, listen... the reason why I called..."_

"Oh great! Thanks for your sympathy!" I spat.

Kiddo chuckled, and I stuck my tongue out at him.  _Very adult, Portman!_

" _... is, I have a date! A date, Annie!"_

"You do?"

" _Yes, he called me! I didn't even need to use the number you gave me. He called ME!"_

"Who?"

" _Lawrence... Law... hot dude, related to Edward, kisses hands - remember? He called me!"_

"Oh!" I looked up at Kiddo, and he raised a brow. I covered my cell phone with one hand and stage-whispered, "Apparently, Law has asked my boss on a date."

"Cool!" was all he said.

" _You still there? Annie?"_

"Sure. I'm so happy for you. Where will you two be going?"

" _Well, that's why I'm calling. Is it ok if I bring him to your party?"_

I almost screamed. "My...? What do you mean,  _my party_? What Party?"

This conversation was taking an alarming turn. Had everyone gone apeshit all of a sudden? I started to feel like I was in the Twilight Zone, and not the one with the pretty vampires, when I heard a small smacking sound from across the room. My eyes darted to Kiddo who palmed his face, looking at me warily through his fingers.  _Oh. My. God!_

"Beatrice, I'll call you back."

" _Uh-oh... oops! Okay."_

The line went dead. And so did the last bits of my usual sense of humor.

Someone had some explaining to do...

 

\---


	24. Chapter 24

**The Duet**

**EDWARD:**   
****_Come in through the gaps in my guard  
_ _You know the way  
_ _Come in through the cracks in my heart  
_ _And stay  
_ _as long as you can bare it with me_

**ANNIE:**   
****_My arms are opened wide  
_ _Let me stroke your hair  
_ _Rest, my love – I'll hold you tight  
_ _I'll care  
_ _as long as you need me here with you_

" _As long"  
(Betti Gefecht)_

x-x-x-x-x

**24.**

**As Ready As I'll Ever Be**

THE BLUE BANANA

"Christ on a cracker! Calm down, Annie! You sound like an obscene phone call or something… I feel like using a police whistle on you!"

Alice looked at me with sincere concern as I tried, and failed, to force something remotely resembling a coherent sentence past my lips while I was panting like a dog in heat. Or, as Alice would have put it, like a horny pervert. But there was nothing hot or horny about it. I was close to hitting the panic button.

"I can't… can't do it," I wheezed, shaking my head frantically. "No… fucking… way…"

Alice squeezed my hand and patted my thigh, offering me what she could for assurance. Even though she was kneeling in front of the chair I was sitting on, she was still head and shoulders above me. In full drag, all silk and sequins, glitter and glam, she made for a really tall, broad-shouldered queenie. Or maybe it was just because I was kind of bent-forward, my own shoulders hunched with the worst case of stage fright ever, as far as I was concerned.

She pouted her cherry-red lips. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, nah… of course you can; you're a pro. You're my brave honeypot, is what you are."

I felt anything but brave, yet breathing became a little easier as I held onto Alice's perfectly manicured, giant paw. I risked another glance through the small gap in the heavy curtain that separated the Blue Banana's public area from the backstage room which I'd chosen for my meltdown. Of course, Alice would pick this place of all places, a gay bar famous for its drag shows, when plotting my surprise birthday party. Well, there hadn't been that much of a surprise at all after I'd learned Kiddo's meaning when he'd tried to talk me into singing with him "in public".

"You could at least have made it a private event, Alice. There are so many strangers out there," I whined.

I couldn't decide what frightened me more, the anonymous crowd of barflies and night crawlers or the familiar faces of practically everyone I knew. No, scratch that; make it  _literally_ everyone I knew, if only in passing, plus everyone Alice thought I  _should_  know. Way to embarrass myself...

"Pish posh," she snapped. "Where would be the fun of making your comeback in show business without a proper audience waiting for you to win them over? You're just having ordinary stage fright, is all."

"No kidding."

"You've been there, done that, Annie. And you told me how much you loved it. No big deal."

"Yeah... that was twenty years ago, and there was a lot of weed involved, usually."

Alice's painted eyebrows suddenly became desperate to meet her wig. "It was?"

"And backstage sex," I added, nodding my head. "To ease the tension before the opening song."

"I see. Want me to find Edward for you and bring him here? There is a broom closet back in the -"

I punched her padded chest. "Knock it off!"

"Ok, ok…" she laughed, adjusting the laced corsage of her dress. "I was just kidding. A little, I think. But seriously, I could check with the guys of the band. Pretty sure I can dig up something to soothe your nerves. I saw Greg doing a jolly the other day."

"You would do that?"

"Sure. Whatever helps to get your cute ass up on stage."

She squeezed my hand once more, and with a final pat to my knee she got to her feet. But before she could slip through the curtain, I grabbed her arm.

"Wait. I'm not sure if my matured self can deal with stuff like that any more. It might even make things worse. But…"

"But?"

"A plain cigarette maybe?"

"You don't smoke, Annie."

"Hey, you just were about to provide me with illegal drugs! What has become of 'Whatever gets me out on stage'?"

Alice's shoulders slumped forward, and she sighed dramatically. "Give me a sec," she said. And wiggling her brows, she added, "I'll bring your boyfriend, too. Just in case…"

I rolled my eyes. "Har har dee har!"

x-x-x-x-x

SIX DAYS EARLIER

"I'm going to kill Alice," I huffed for the fifth time as I glared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I busied myself with brushing my hair, almost angrily, trying to ignore Kiddo who was leaning against the doorframe.

Naked.

With a boner!

How could he even get a boner by just watching me brush my hair and being mad at him? Well, maybe it didn't exactly help that I was naked, too. Also, I wasn't really mad any more, but I wasn't ready to admit it yet either.

The hell I was!

"The idea wasn't hers alone, you know," Kiddo said. "You'll have to kill us both."

I knew Alice far too well to buy that bullshit, but I didn't mention it. The brush landed on the shelf with a loud clang. Bracing myself with both hands on the sink, I shook my head.

"I might just do that," I grudgingly told my mirror-inverted self.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Kiddo walking over to me. When he stood behind me, he put his hands on my hips. He didn't grab them but just caressed them very gently, and his touch was feather-light. It made me shiver against my will and my eyes wanted to close with bliss.

But since I was still supposed to give the moping girlfriend, I made an effort to keep looking at Kiddo in the mirror. He held my gaze for a few heartbeats, then his eyes glazed over in this all too familiar way.

_Fuck!_

"Oh, come on…" I sighed. "Don't do that."

But it was too late. Stepping closer, he took a firm hold of my hips, his fingertips digging into them possessively.

"You won't kill us, Annie," he whispered. "You love that we did it… that the people you care about came together and hatched an evil plan to give you a great birthday. You are secretly happy about it."

"Is that so?"

I meant for it to sound sarcastic, but Edward had pulled me flush to his front, and my question came out rather meekly.

"And you can't wait to sing for an audience again. You're excited about it. It's the naked truth," he answered confidently, nuzzling my neck.

His warm breath on my skin gave me goose bumps all over. And speaking of naked… what I really was excited about right now was his hard-on wedging itself between my butt cheeks. Jesus, it should be illegal to be so young and beautiful and so damn hot!

_You're not really complaining, Portman, are you?_

"You know, I already said yes to that madness you two have plotted, so you can stop trying to dazzle me into submission," I said, collecting the last bits of my willpower.

Kiddo had kept his part of the deal – he'd asked Buttcrack Harry for a raise, successfully so. And even though a full on party at a gay bar wasn't what I had bargained for originally, I'd caved in. Because I wanted to hear that song Kiddo had written for me so badly.

It wasn't fair, but it was worth it. I cried like a baby when he sang it to me. And I cried a bit more and my voice was shaky when he made me sing the verse that was my turn in the duet. And I about fucking died when our voices finally came together at the end in perfect harmony. It was that beautiful.

So yes… I gave Alice and Kiddo free reign, willing to put up with whatever they had up their sleeves. And the reason was that song. Because that song just  _had_  to be sung to an audience. On a stage. Where people could hear it. And Kiddo was right, I was kinda excited about performing again.

"I'm not trying to dazzle you," he mumbled into the hollow between my neck and shoulder.

His hands wandered down and to the front of my thighs, caressing a particularly sensitive spot he'd discovered just lately. I let my head fall back onto his shoulder and sighed.

"Yes, you are."

I gasped when he slid two fingers between my legs. He grazed them along my entrance, collecting some of the wetness that was already building, and started slow circles around my clit. I bravely bit back a moan.

"Is it working then?" he asked, and licked a wet path towards my shoulder where he stopped, his lips firmly placed on my skin.

His eyes searched for mine in the mirror, but they still had that unfocused look. I could tell he was still seeing  _things_ , reading me in his own special way. It didn't make me uncomfortable any more. Quite the contrary – I could use his unique gift to my advantage, couldn't I?

 _Make love to me_ , I thought with vigor, putting my theory to a test.  _Make love to me. Make love to me._

His lips curled into a lazy smile, leaving only his teeth attached to my skin.

_Make love to me!_

"Fuck yeah," he breathed. Then he bit down.

x-x-x-x-x

THE BLUE BANANA

A few minutes after Alice had disappeared, the curtain parted again, and in came the… that guy with the faux mohawk I'd seen with her earlier.

"You the birthday gal who's gotta sing tonight?" he asked with a grin.

I realized he was one of the musicians. And that grin of his was cute. What was it about guys and those lop-sided grins? Did they do that on purpose?

"Yeah, that would be me," I said, blushing.

"Alice sent me. I'm Jason, but my friends call me Jazz."

I took his extended hand. "Annie."

He produced a pack of Marlboros from the breast pocket of his – practically unbuttoned – shirt, and held it out to me. With an expert flip of his wrist, he made two cigarettes pop out, and I reached for one with relief. The other one ended up between Jazz's own lips.

"Nervous, huh?" he offered as he held out the lighter for me.

I could only nod my head yes for an answer; the first drag of the cigarette burned my lungs and I had to fight the urge to cough. I tried hard to not give myself away in front of who was apparently one of the cool kids around here, but to no avail. When I exhaled the smoke, my eyes started to water and a single, barking cough escaped me.

"Easy there…" Jazz patted my back. "I see it's been a while," he snickered. "You sure it's a good idea, messin' with your voice like that right before a gig? I heard  _that's_  been a while, too."

_Why yes, I'm old and out of the loop, thanks for the reminder!_

"I've had worse. Plus, I've always been more of a smoky jazz alto, so…" I shrugged. The nicotine was buzzing my brain quite nicely. "Thanks for the cigarette; it really helps."

His grin grew even wider. "It's cool. You'll be doin' great. Alice said you're really good. Can't wait to hear you perform."

"I'll do my best," I said and smiled wrylyat him.

The stage fright was still there, but it had been pushed back into a foggy distance. It felt like someone else's nervousness that wasn't any of my business anymore. Whether it was due to the unaccustomed effect of the smoke, or Jazz's professional musician's calming presence, I couldn't tell. But I started looking forward to step on the stage.

"Your boyfriend's got some crazy talent, you know," Jason mumbled past the cigarette that was still placed between his lips, albeit unlit. "We had a great time practicing your song."

_Practicing my song? I was going to sing with the band?_

He widened the gap in the curtain with two fingers and tilted his head to take a look. With a nod of his chin toward the crowd, he added, "Not so sure about your friend on the bass though. That is some crazy old chick, man."

_My friend on the bass?!_

I craned my neck to see who Jazz was talking about, and I almost suffered another coughing fit. There, leaning casually on one elbow on her fucking walking aid, cocktail in the same hand and twirling a little paper umbrella in the other, was lunatic Lucy, a.k.a. The Dragon of Park Road Village!

"No way…" I breathed.

Jazz chuckled quietly. "She's quite the rock star, your friend, isn't she?"

"She's not my friend," I objected weakly, unable to avert my eyes.

Lucy was surrounded by young men in tight shirts and even tighter pants; one of them didn't even wear a shirt at all. They were laughing and flirting back and forth, with Lucy being the center of their attention, occasionally poking the bare-chested one's pecs with the tip of that little umbrella.

I wanted to walk over there and tell her sorry to rain on her parade but those guys were as gay as… as… Liberace, for lack of any other gay celebrity of her era I could think of! But she probably knew that and just didn't give a fuck. She came to the party with her walking aid, for crying out loud.

Admittedly, the woman looked stunning, in her own way. No straw hat or braids tonight. Instead, her white hair was in a tight bun high on the back of her head. A big red flower adorned one side of it, which might have been silly on anyone else, but on her it simply looked classy. She wore black pants, a simple black tunic and Egypt-ish silver jewelry in sizes and amounts only she could pull of. I caught myself thinking I'd like to look that good whenever I'm her age.

However, it didn't mean I embraced the news she was here tonight.

"No way!" I repeated, considerably louder this time. I took one last drag of my cigarette that had lost its comforting quality, then I looked around, quite agitated. "There's no ashtray in here."

Jason let the curtain fall close and stepped towards me. "That's because smoking is not allowed in here," he informed me, deadpan. "Just take the big one."

"The big one?"

Jazz simply gestured to the wooden floor boards around me. They were scattered with tiny, black burn marks. When he took the stub from my fingers, Alice returned to the backstage room, Kiddo in tow. They both watched Jazz as he dropped the end of my cigarette to the floor to grind it under the heel of his cowboy boot. Alice beamed at him as if she was witnessing the most amazing thing ever, while Edward's expression was that of someone who'd just stumbled upon a crime scene.

"What the… are you smoking?"

"Don't 'what-the' me! Why is Lucy here?"

x-x-x-x-x

THREE DAYS EARLIER

"…and of course, I thought I had to call you first, just to make sure and…well, you know me, to grill you about him and everything. I just didn't know what to make of him at that time because he has this strange mix of bad boy and gentleman going on, which is crazy hot but also a little unsettling at first, and…"

I tuned into the constant babble of Beatrice, after I'd absently let my thoughts run a million miles into a complete different direction. I instantly felt bad about not giving her my full attention, but not for too long. As it was, my boss was crushing too damn hard on Kiddo's handsome uncle to even notice me mentally straying off. Her happiness and eagerness to share was just adorable.

She'd been gushing about Law for minutes, all the while frantically stirring her café latte as if she were trying to drill a hole through the bottom of the mug.

I smiled at her. "I think your beverage is ready to drink now, more or less."

She stopped mid-stir and averted her eyes from her mug to look at me for the first time since she'd started taking. She grinned at me sheepishly for a moment, then she dropped the spoon and hid her face behind her hands.

"Oh my God," she squealed, making a few heads turn in the moderately frequented coffee shop where we'd met up. "I'm worse than a hormonal teenager, am I not?"

I leaned over to rub her upper arm. "Nah, it's not that bad. Except maybe for the hormonal thing…"

Beatrice dropped her hands to glare at me, revealing a nicely flushed face.

"…which I totally understand," I continued matter-of-factly. "Nothing can make a girl's world rattle in its axis like a kiss on the hand, especially when there's…"

She swatted at me, but I was quick to withdraw my hand, and she missed.

"… a nice three days worth of stubble involved. It's just… ouch!"

This time she'd hit me at the shoulder.

"…natural!" I finished, laughing and squirming in my seat to avoid her mock-outraged attacks. We definitely had everyone's attention now.

"We're both acting silly now," I said, still giggling. "Calm down and tell me about your date already."

She put her hand on mine on the table. "Jeez, Annie, I still feel bad about spoiling your birthday surprise, especially since Law didn't even like the idea."

"Nevermind." I waved her off. "So your date… he called, you missed it, and then he texted you?"

"No, no, he left a voice message, bluntly asking me out. Oh my, his voice…" Beatrice closed her eyes and smiled.

"And you called him back."

"Yes, I did. After I had so thoughtlessly asked you about your party." She threw me another embarrassed grin. "But he wasn't too fond about our first date happening in such a crowded place, so he told me about that little Italian restaurant he'd found. He said that he wanted this to be just him and me, so we could get to know each other and such. He said it in  _that_  voice, and I swear, I really felt like a hormonal teen in that moment."

I shook my head. "Who are you, and what have you done to my chief editor?"

"I know, right? Then he told me, rather bossily, to dress nicely. For some reason I almost swooned from his tone. He said that he'd pick me up at eight. Which he did, as you already know. And Annie, he wore a suit!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

It was hard to imagine Law in anything else but his jeans and worn leather jacket, but I started to feel for Beatrice.

"That's outright mean!"

"No kidding," she agreed. "An impeccably tailored suit is for women what lingerie is for men, right?"

I nodded solemnly. "That man meant business." Translation: He wanted to get laid. But I kept this conclusion to myself.

"Kiss on the hand?"

"Kiss on the hand!" Beatrice confirmed, beaming.

_Jesus Christ…_

"He picked me up with that old, rusty truck. The cutest thing ever! He'd put blankets on the passenger seat for me and helped me climb in."

_The truck is cute? Yeah, she's got it bad._

"So we drove to that Italian place. It looked kind of shabby on the outside, but it was wonderful inside…"

My thoughts started wandering off again, as Beatrice kept gushing about her romantic date. I was happy for her; I really was. I was happy for Law, too. He was an awesome guy, and my boss already seemed head over heels for him.

However, I couldn't help but think about Kiddo and me. I realized we never dated. Instead I had foolishly assaulted him on some dark corner of a park at night, basically acting on a whim. And on a bit too much of red wine. And after that, we just…  _happened_.

There hadn't been candle-light dinners in discreet, little restaurants. No shy and awkward first touches across the table, no whispered talks about favorite movies and music, eager to get to know and impress each other. No first kiss at the front door.

I felt guilty about having taken away such a joyful and important rite as dating from my awfully young boyfriend. As far as I knew, he'd never even dated a girl before we met. This couldn't be good, could it? I wondered if there was a way for me to rectify this. Holding onto the mature part in our relationship, I could ask him on a belated date someday, make it a romantic night out. I could still kiss him at the front door and ask him if he'd like to…

"…come inside for a drink, and guess what!"

I shook my head briefly to get back to reality. "What?"

"He declined!" Beatrice said triumphantly.

"What went wrong?"

She leaned towards me over the table and kind of stage-whispered, "He is a gentleman."

"Nothing happened?" I asked incredulously. The man had worn a fucking suit…

"Nope. He saw me home, said good bye and that he was looking forward to accompany me to your party, and then he drove away. In his cute truck."

"Kiss on the hand?"

"Kiss on the hand."

_Wow!_

"Maybe he was… I don't know… shy about, you know, his leg?"

She leaned back in her seat, looking at me thoughtfully.

"That's a possibility there. I haven't even thought about his missing leg once. You wouldn't notice anything, the way he moves. He even mentioned he was looking forward to dance with me…"

"It was just a thought," I said, regretting my comment. "And anyway, not taking advantage of you on the first date  _is_  gentlemanly."

"It is." Beatrice smiled a little wistfully, and her eyes lost focus, as if gazing into the distance.

x-x-x-x-x

THE BLUE BANANA

"She's got stage fright really bad, and she was too chicken-shit for a joint, so it was either a smoke or quick sex in the broom closet," Alice rattled down happily, answering in my place.

Kiddo cocked an eyebrow at me. "Quick sex helps with stage fright?"

Alice shrugged, suddenly very interested in the condition of her fake fingernails. "It did back then, apparently, when Annie was a teeny bopper."

"And you chose the smoke?" Kiddo asked incredulously.

I rolled my eyes.  _Seriously, now?_

"I can't believe you invited Lucy," I said, steering the conversation to the more important issue. "We only met once, and she didn't exactly like me."

"She does now."

"Oh, really? How come?"

"Because she likes me happy, and you make me happy, so…" Kiddo kneeled down in front of my chair and put his hands on my knees. It seemed to be the craze of the day, kneeling before anxious Portman and rubbing her legs.

"She offered to play the bass," Edward said, smiling innocently. "As a peace offering of sorts. And she promised to behave."

Yeah, the stage curtain was still opened wide enough for me to see the way Lucy kept that promise. Her own personal Gay Squad of Hotness kept buying her drinks, and her cheeks were quite flushed by now. Maybe if I was lucky, she wouldn't be able to even make it over to the stage in a little while, not to mention mastering an instrument.

"Well, that's the other thing. Why is there a bass? And a band? I thought it would be just you and me, like we'd practiced at home?"

"It was meant to be a surprise," Kiddo admitted with a sheepish grin. "It's so much cooler with a band, and we didn't change much, I promise. Just Lucy on the bass, and a little solo guitar by Jason. You will hardly know the difference when you sing."

I looked up at Alice and Jazz who'd been following our exchange like spectators at a tennis match. They both held up their hands in a defensive "I-have-no-part-in-this" gesture.

"You are totally nuts," I accused, shaking my head. "All of you."

"This bulletin's brought to you by Obvious F.M.," Alice muttered, grinning.

Kiddo, sensing my impending defeat before I could myself, smiled widely at me and pulled my head down for a kiss.

"Okay," I said as soon as I had control over my lips again, "let's get the show on the road, before I change my mind."

"Yay!" Alice jumped and fist pumped the air. "Jazz, darling, kiss me before you claim the stage!"

_Jazz darling what?_

I turned my head just in time to see Jason pull back and wipe at his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Eric, knock it off! I told you I'm not kissing that shit you slather on your mouth when you're in drag! Now move your ass outside and make the announcement."

Wow, did the guy really just call Alice by her baptismal name without getting nut punched? Remarkable! And he and Alice were together? Like, together-together?

Noticing my confusion, Jazz winked at me and said, "I don't normally do queens, but Eric is hot as fuck when he's not wearing a wig. Oh, and… happy birthday."

Then he followed Alice through the curtain to get ready for the gig.  _My_  gig. And it was time!

_Holy shit…!_

"You ready?" Kiddo whispered and took both of my hands.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I said and let him pull me to my feet.

 


End file.
